My dad is causing us so much stress and anxiety - it’s driving me insane.

[Silverumbrella]

I’m sorry, this is so so long but my sister and I are both so very stressed, so anxious all the time and the main instigator to all of this is my dad. I hate to say this because we love him but he is also a miserable old man who is happy to bring everyone else down with him and really doesn’t give a shit about us.

He is under a lot of stress and my truly heart goes out to him which is why we do so much to help but he appears to not appreciate any of it and put spanners in the works at every angle.

Dad is 82 and in good health. Mum (81) sadly isn’t. She has a pacemaker due to heart issues, she is bent over and in pain from osteoporosis. She is pre-diabetic. 6 years ago she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and as with the nature of this horribly cruel disease, she gets worse month by month. Although mum recognises us all still she is quite confused at times. She can not do most things for herself.
For example, she couldn’t make herself a drink or a meal. If left to her own devises she would live off anything she could just get hold off ie biscuits etc. She can shower herself with prompting and assistance from the carer who comes in for an hour each morning (Mon-Sat). She goes to a day centre one afternoon per week which really helps her. But dad, my sister and I basically care for her in all other aspects.

It’s all very stressful seeing my parents in this situation but my dad makes everything so much worse. He is a complete awkward pain in the arse. This isn’t a new situation, he has always been quite selfish and self-centred.

He constantly moans about mum and her behaviour. Constantly saying ‘she has no idea what she is doing to me, how much stress she is putting me under’ or ‘I may as well have dementia myself because my life is over, I can’t go anywhere’ etc. But he is his own worst enemy, he won’t take onboard any suggestions from anyone. My parents are very comfortable financially, not only is their house worth quite a bit but due to mum’s father leaving her a lot of money in his will (we are taking hundreds of thousands of pounds), dad will not spend a penny on anything to help. He believes everything is a rip-off and everyone is out to take his money. He is always asking me to find out if he is entitled to a free this or free that. I have never asked for a penny off them but he constantly tells me that he doesn’t believe in leaving inheritance to family and is always quoting from tv shows he’s watched where someone says they don’t agree in passing on inheritance etc. Yet ironically he has been living a bloody lovely life these past 20+ years because my lovely generous grandad left all his money to my mum, NOT my dad but his daughter and my dad took it upon himself to class that money as his as well. Now my mum has all these health issues he will hardly spend a penny to make her life more comfortable. He sees the day centre as extortion (its £45 for 3 hours), he refuses for mum to go there another day even though he constantly moans that’s he is trapped with her at home. It took me 3 years of trying to get a carer in the mornings to help mum get showered. The lovely carer is willing to offer more help such as offering a sit in service but dad won’t spend the money, he’d rather I do it for nothing. Mum could really do with an adjustable bed but he says no and that I’m interfering, yet he treated himself to a new mattress last year! I’m trying to get him to buy mum an adjustable armchair as she is always in pain but he’s faffing about looking at loads and saying they are all a ‘rip off’. I have POA and I know legally I can override his decision but that is so much easier said than done. It would cause untold stress.

I go in 5 days a week to help where I can. I take mum to the day centre (and make her a packed lunch), take her to all her hospital appointments, I organise everything which is available to them (they wouldn’t have the council tax discount or attendance allowance if it wasn’t for me), I do all of mum’s admin, keep all her hospital letters etc, make all her appointments etc. Between my sister and I we wash their clothes and do their cleaning etc. Yet dad constantly moans that everything is down to him. Whenever we have had social services or organisations in to see what they can help with he will tell them he is mum’s carer and everything is down to him to deal with. He really has no idea how fortunate he is to not only have one daughter live round the corner but both of his children and that we pop in and see them all the time. My parents very rarely have a day when they are on their own.

My sister and I have our own families and our health issues but my dad couldn’t really give a toss about that. We are both in pain from endometriosis and I have constant gut issues. My sister had a parathyroid tumour removed last Monday and was cleaning their house the day before. I was so pissed off my dad was happy having her clean their home when she should have been at home and taking it easy (she was really stressed about the op).

And on top of all this shit, mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last week. I took her to the appointment and watched my poor mum being scanned, having a mammogram and then a painful biopsy performed and looking so confused by it all only to be told it’s more than likely bc. FFS!

I love my parents and feel so bad for them but my dad is putting so much stress onto us and he doesn’t see it. I’ve tried telling him but he changes the subject. He won’t put mum into care as he doesn’t want to spent the money yet at the same time he says he’s got to keep all the money incase she goes in a home but he really is using this as an excuse as he has always been tight-fisted. He has enough money and space to have a live in career but says he doesn’t want anyone living in his house.

I don’t know what I’ve achieved by writing such a long and (probably boring) thread but I am so bloody miserable and am getting to the point I dread going to my parents to see them.

I am about to take mum to the day centre then going to the bank with dad as he’s swooped over banks and wants me to help him make as much money as he can and I’ll just have to sit there with a fake smile on my face.

Never thought my life would have be o e so bloody miserable in middle age and it all being down to my parents!

Where is your Mum's money ? if she allowed it to be in a joint account I suspect she is now only entitled to 50% of it.
How much of it has already been spent !

time for you to harden your heart and use the POA that you have.

Even as a marital asset, half that money is your mum's and he cannot stop her from using it to pay for care. All care costs are assessed on that basis.

don't be miserable, GET ANGRY !!!

your poor mother is the one suffering in all this !

I'm sorry you are going through this, these were the things that greatly helped my mum when she was living with severe oestoporosis and some of the items were delivered and installed free of charge by the McMillan services, however my dad was all set to pay for them. Hospital adjustable bed delivered and installed and removed when no longer required. Electric chair lift - again delivered and installed and removed when no longer required. They also bought a leather padded electric recliner chair which was deeper and more padded than the ones they had, it was pricey i'm not going to lie but my mum spent quite a bit of time in it sitting, and it was sleeping as it reclined fully like a bed. I was trying to source a padded long cushion type thing that she could use in the bath, but they ended up getting a wet room installed instead to make it easier.

You really need to force the issue with your dad and go over his head, so what if he silent for a few days, unless he has osteoporosis he will not understand the pain you mum will be in 24/7 anything you can do to ease her pain she will be so grateful for.

I am really sorry to say this, but if it turns out that you mum does have a cancer diagnosis, she and you will get a lot more support and help. It is just the way the system is.

Hi OP. I hear your stress and frustration - its awful As you have POA - financial and/or health and welfare - its time to use it. As a guardian under the scheme, you really have an obligation to put the person, your DM's interests first. That means doing what you need to do, say extra carer, the day centre visits etc. even though your F will cause even more stress. If confronted with a fait accompli he will get used to it. You cannot stand by and see her money effectively withheld from her when she is in need of it. Separating your DM's own money is vital for this. You can then go ahead and make the changes, buy the bed and armchair your DM needs, etc. It sounds as though your F has acted like the mighty paterfamilias in your family and you and your DS have got used to deferring to him. But not now - your DM needs you to act as responsible POA, using her money to benefit her and meet her needs.

Have you got medical POA too? There might be some decisions to be made regarding treating or not treating the BC

It’s so hard when anything you do impacts your mum.
Just to add a couple of things:

• You are entitled to a carer’s assessment from SS as well, which may be another angle to get some support (even if only to reassure yourself you are not unreasonable)
• If your mum would be confused by a care home now, it will only get harder as her Alzheimer’s progresses 😢. Choosing the right time is so incredibly hard. It might be a good investment, if you can, to start looking at options for homes so you have a plan if/when it becomes urgent.

We have had a SS assessment but due to them have so much of their own money they can’t get any help. They should be able to get help, just that they'll have to pay. Dad's carers were supplied by Social Services, even though he's a self funder. We paid the Council monthly for them. And any physical aids are not means tested, zimmer frames, perching stools, grab rails etc.

But even if they won't help (and being entitled to help and getting it may not be the same thing) the safeguarding issue is something they should be concerned about.

He should be concerned that she will be in a care home sooner if he doesn't release money for her care at home.

and he responded by not speaking to me the whole afternoon. That sounds like a win

If you're not already, keep a diary, which all incidents dated. Somehow, if you can attach a date to something, it becomes "evidence" which all of a sudden is taken seriously. You can say "on such and such a date, I visited at 3.15 pm, and Mum wa still in her pyjamas and had not been washed. The same happened on these dates. On this data I spoke to my father about getting a carer to help get mum up and washed, and his response was ..."

I agree with this. When an occupational therapist gave advice on what was best for my mum we all took it on board.

It’s just disgusting that he won’t use your mum’s money to help her. Could you see a solicitor on the quiet to get some advice?

MIL has severe osteoporosis and FIL stage 4 cancer and a colostomy and they are reduced at the end of their lives to perching on a stool and having a strip wash with a flannel as FIL won't spend the money for carers and would never contemplate a walk in shower.
FIL says he has more money coming in now than when he was working. MIL gets full AA but it just piles up in the bank.
Does he really think DH and SIL won't just spend that money on holidays and eating out if and when they get it. They will.
Where is the dignity and the pride?
I will never understand.

OP I agree this is absolutely disgusting behaviour on your dad's part. your mum's money should be spent on making her comfortable and spoiling her as much as possible. I know she can't remember much, but sue should be able to enjoy the remainder of her life as much as possible.

I can see why you find it so upsetting. your mum can't speak up for her self anymore. so that falls to you now

my grandma passed away (similar age to your mum) two years ago. she also had dementia towards the end. every moment with her suddenly became so precious. I understand why you don't want to step away, nor should you have to. ♡

Thanks all. I’ll make a note of everything suggested.

I will contact SS again and see if I can have a meeting with them away from mum and dad so I can fully explain their current situation and circumstances.

I’ve spent the afternoon at the bank with my dad discussing all of his accounts etc as he wants to invest as much as he can in certain accounts. It made my blood boil to see how much they have just languishing in their current account whilst mum could really do with a new bed, clothes, a comfortable armchair etc.

I then went to collect mum from the day centre whilst dad whizzed off to go make a new purchase…….a new lawn mower ffs!

Sunnnybunny72 I really don’t understand some people, why on earth would you struggle so much when they’re is money in the bank to have comfort in your last few years on earth? Dh uncle passed away last year, he lived like a pauper and went without so much. We honestly thought he was on the poverty line. He died with £400k in the bank. Dh’s cousin is having a fab time driving about in his new Mercedes.

Sorry, but I think your dad is financially and coercive controlling your very vulnerable mum :(

No advice, just here to say that sucks and you have every right to resent your selfish miserly dad.

If you have POA, I think you have a moral obligation to start spending your mother's money to benefit her.

It does sound like financial abuse.

I have POA and I know legally I can override his decision but that is so much easier said than done. It would cause untold stress.

Actually, you taking charge is absolutely what you need to do to remedy this situation.

Your father is being abusive, and you and your sister are allowing it. Take control, do whatever your mother needs, arrange whatever care is necessary, and report your father to SS if you need to. I would tell him you will be doing what's best for your mother, and you will no longer hear a single word about it. End of discussion. It's time to be really, really tough with your father. He is causing your poor mum to suffer.

Agree with what others have said re finances.

Another thing - your parents can have a council tax reduction due to your mum's dementia.

@Silverumbrella OP after your update its very clear this is financial abuse. your mum is a vulnerable adult. he is using HER money to buy stuff he wants while her basic needs are not met.

absolutely disgusting

There will need to be a discussion regarding your poor mums bc.
Treatment options etc.
As a pp said, there will definitely be ongoing care considerations.
He cannot under any circumstances deny her this. It will be taken out of his hands.

It’s coming up to crunch time beyond any other discussions. Time to face the reality of the near future.

I wish you so much luck. Don’t forget, we will always be here if you need to rant or for support xx

Did your dad move his investment money into accounts solely in his name? From accounts that were joint with your mum?

OP I am really sorry for your very difficult situation. But I think it needs emphasising that what your dad is doing re money is actually illegal as well as cruel and neglectful - financial abuse which amounts to coercive behaviour is a criminal offence. Has the POA you hold for your mum been enacted, and are you joint with sister or joint and several. If the latter you can act independently and you must.

Absolutely this. And this is what you need to speak to SS about. It’s a massive safeguarding issue.

OP, I'm afraid you're in a sticky situation here. You have power of attorney and you are legally bound to make decisions in your mother's best interest. It's not just your father who is vulnerable to a safeguarding allegation here.

If your mother has a care need, and you know about but don't act... You can be investigated by the Office of the Public Guardian.

Social Services like to throw their hands up and refuse to get involved when a vulnerable person is a self funded. But your mum is entitled to a care needs assessment under the care act. And an assessment by an occupational therapist is advisable to ensure her bed, chair and the rest of her home are adjusted to her needs.

If your dad wants to complain, fine. Tell him you don't plan on being investigated because he's tight.