Please advise! Parents are falling apart and I don't know how to help

[OnePearlGuide]

Seeking the wisdom of the Mumsnet community.

I live in New Zealand with partner and young children, 5 and 2. I emigrated many years ago and I have no intention of returning - in part because my husband is the main earner and his job is here.

My parents back in the UK are struggling. My dad (66) seems to have some cognitive decline. He has almost no short term memory, and keeps getting lost and confused. He's even been picked up by the police who have taken him to hospital. Mum (70) is still working as she has little pension savings. She's understandably finding his behaviour very difficult and is devastated by the situation.

I'm at a total loss for what to do next and how to help from a distance. No siblings so it's just me. No family nearby. They live in a rural community which is pretty friendly but they do have to drive everywhere.

I don't know if there's any money to pay for care. My dad gets a reasonable pension and he's never seems to spend much money. Mum seems to pay for everything from her small wage. Mum and Dad have never had joint finances so nobody knows how much money he has or where it might be.

I have so many questions and I'm doing so much handwringing. But I guess I need to start with questions if you're with me this far?! How do you get a diagnosis for this type of stuff and how long does it take? And how can you get a unwilling/incapable parent to divulge their finances, so you can help them out (or more importantly, help out the other parent)?

[Autumn1990]

You could ring age uk for advice. Ideally they need to speak to their gp. I don’t think any diagnosis would be quick atm. Social services might need to be involved as well, the police may have already made a referral to SS.

[FusionChefGeoff]

Longer term can you afford to come back for a few weeks so that you can discuss and put stuff in place face to face?

It sounds like you need to sort power of attorney for your Dad asap - would he respond to you "having a quiet word that you're worried mum is getting very unsettled about the future so to help her we need to put certain things in place" - so he would feel like the one in charge??

[FiveShelties]

I so feel for you OP, I am also in NZ and my parents were in the UK. I would contact Age UK for some guidance, but your parents have to want help otherwise you will just go round in circles.

Do you think your Dad needs care, if so do you think your Mum would/could do that?

I know this may not be possible but could you to visit them and just get a feeling for how bad things are? Sometimes it just make things easier if you know what is happening even if just for a short visit. I can see with young children that is going to be very difficult though.

Don't forget to take care of yourself - it is easy to get overwhelmed with everything.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

He won’t need to pay for care if he has no money. Someone needs to contact social services for an assessment. They’ll work out what he needs, then they’ll do a financial assessment to see if he has to contribute. But he will have to divulge his finances to get his care paid for - having to pay himself might be the stimulus he needs.

First step might be a letter to his GP. GP won’t be able to discuss with you but he will read the letter.