Ocd and anxiety in DM

[boopapoo]

DM is 70, lives 20 mins away, ok health and plenty of friends, step dad died 18 months ago.
I have preschooler and she's keen to see a lot of her..but she can be very controlling and has very bad OCD and anxiety about housework. My DS sees very little of her due to this but I was seeing her on both my days off with DD and often at weekends too. However I was finding I spend the days before she comes over cleaning our house, the days she's here worrying about it so pretty much 6 days a week. I don't see anyone or have anyone over and spend a lot of the time rigorously making our house immaculate. DH recognized this, spoke to my dad who said DGM (deceased) was the same and it seems to be spreading down the family line. Was also causing arguments with DH as I'd be expecting lots of housework to be done all the time. Like DM was when I was a child (did not spend time with us at all to spring clean house every weekend).
So last week I told DM I'd spend time with her at her house or out, but not to come to our house at all for next few weeks as I'm becoming obsessive and miserable in my own home. Seemed to understand but no willingness to do anything about it. I feel relieved she won't be coming for a while and feel awful about it tho, how to handle this going forward? She will never change will she?

Just to add I'm not like this when I don't see her and spent lots of time with my DD doing things!

You are allowed boundaries.

Read up on fear, obligation & guilt.

She might not change but that's her issue. You & DH can't live like this, so going to hers or out seems a fair compromise.

@Coldupnorth7
Any links or recommendations for reading please?
No we def can't carry on, but I do feel guilt and don't want to weaken this boundary I've put in place

I’m sorry OP, I’m not understanding. Are you concerned that you are developing the same behavioural patterns as your mum? Or that you are tired of trying to make things ‘perfect’ so that she will relax and enjoy visiting you?

If it’s the latter then I can reassure you that nothing you do will achieve this. Yes, spending time in a messy place might make her more stressed but the people I know with OCD and anxiety will never sit back and say ‘it’s lovely here, now I can rely’. Rather, they hover nervously, waiting to pounce on the empty coffee cups for washing, the cushions that need straightened, the books or toys that need tidied away. she won’t change, no.

so instead you will go to her house? Does she have a problem with that? Or do you want to see less of her and you feel guilty about that ?

@rickyrickygrimes
A bit of both really.
Constantly readying the house for her makes me super aware of it and means I'm constantly doing it and get burnt out.
And also you are right it will never be enough, it can be perfect and she sees a speck on the floor and that starts a conversation about how she should Hoover/clean the floor. And it's relentless, she will just ask and ask until I repent and let her do it.
I feel guilt that I don't want her in my home but also resentful that she doesn't acknowledge how she affects other people and has made my days off with DD miserable at times. I don't want to drop my boundary going forward.

@rickyrickygrimes
And the constant pouncing yes..I caught her tidying DD toys while she was playing with them and I just snapped in my head at that point and thought fucks sake, this will starts affecting DD and so the cycle continues

Use what's useful...

FOG

Check yourself for cPTSD too.

Have a look at the Crappy Childhood Fairy on Youtube

And definitely have a look at "Therapy in a Nutshell". She's really good at helping to understand the physical effects of stress from trauma. I was really struggling then it finally occurred to me that I was getting dumped on by others with their issues, not even my own.

@Coldupnorth7
Thanks so much, I will have a good read of this

One of my best friends mums has suffered very bad depression all her life. When my friend had her daughter, she tried very hard to foster a good relationship between her mum and her daughter. But when she saw her own daughter starting to walk on eggshells because granny’s feeling ‘poorly’, running in circles trying to cheer granny up, and blaming herself because granny is so sad, she had to take a big step back to protect her daughter. My friend has had a lifetime of alternating between trying to help her mum get better and being the bad guy because she tries to set boundaries. In the end, for her own mental health, she’s had to reduce contact a lot.

one big step for her was realising that she’s not responsible for her mums happiness or her mental well being. It’s not her job to make it better, or to offer her dd as a sacrifice on the altar of her mums mental issues. She can’t control it. Her mum is not going to change, and I don’t imagine yours will either OP. You, and she, can only control how you respond to it.