I'm being overly paranoid, aren't I?

[Fantapops]

I'm staying with my grandfather, he's 78. I live hundreds of miles away from him and am a midwifery student so visit every few months and usually stay with my grandmother and visit him during the day, but I'm staying for a few nights this time.

He's in remission from cancer and has a bunch of other diagnoses stemming from it. All popped up during the pandemic. Prior to the pandemic & my studies I'd stay with him more as I was more able to visit properly.

I kind of think I'm in shock. He's so frail. I mean obviously, but in 2019 he was skiing every year in Finland. In less than five years he's someone I don't recognise. He's so unwell - we visited a local village today and a five minute walk from the car park had him feeling incredibly unwell to the point where his partner had to bring the car round straight to the door of the cafe and when we got home he slept for five hours. It doesn't help that he's living in totally unsuitable accommodation (moving soon to a more suitable home, thankfully).

I find myself up googling 'what to do if you find someone dead at home' and 'how to do CPR' (reader, I know exactly how to do CPR, I've had yearly training for the last two years and handle emergency situations on placement calmly).

Is this kind of rapid downhill normal? I just feel so shaken up. He can barely hold his head up and he can't play guitar anymore which sounds small, but I rarely saw him without a guitar in his lap.

I am so sorry. It is such a shock when you see a loved one declining and especially when they can no longer do the things they loved and which you normally saw them doing. Has he been seen by his GP/Consultant recently or could you arrange an appointment so that you can explain how concerned you are. Could he be hiding a new diagnosis from you perhaps? Is he eating properly? Is his current home warm enough? Is he taking his medication? Perhaps things will improve once he has moved to more suitable housing, or sadly perhaps not. I suspect that given the information which you have shared that perhaps his health is worse than you relised and I dont think that you are being paranoid but perhaps realistic. I hope that things improve for your Grandad, you sound like a lovely, caring Grandaughter.

He sees consultants and GPs constantly (he's actually an appointment tomorrow). He tells everyone in the family different things and he's always had forms for lying / exaggerating / understating so no one really knows the truth.

He's eating well, and the house is as warm as labour suite lol. He's taking his pills. I just think maybe this is the natural order of things. It's hard to see though, it really is. The last time I stayed overnight for a few nights in a row was last April, he drove 50 miles to chase a heritage lead I found on ancestry (he's keen on genealogy and I do the digital bits). Now he can't even drive.

Is this kind of rapid downhill normal? Not normal but not unusual I would have said. It doesn’t mean necessarily that he’s end-of-life. My father on the Thursday took himself off on the bus to an appointment, and on his way home did a supermarket shop and visited his bank. On the Monday he could no longer stand, and complained a coach had dropped a male voice choir in his residential cul-de-sac at 2am and their singing kept him awake. He did get better from that. That was when he was 96; he’s now 101.

My DH is a bit older than your grandfather. Two years ago he was fit, hill walking, doing very physical conservation work, seemingly immortal. Now he is noticeably more frail, uses a walking stick for balance. Aged about 5 years. But I’m confident he’ll still be here next year, and not much different from how he is today.

So periods of going rapidly downhill aren’t uncommon. But don’t assume the decline will continue at this rate, he’s just as likely to plateau or even improve a little.

Enjoy your time with him. You can still have a lovely time with him, even if it’s a different lovely time from that which you were expecting. Take the future as it comes. Do not spoil today by worrying about what’s in the future.

Just found out from his partner that he's been lying to us and his cancer is not in remission, in fact it has spread. To his bones.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Well that clears it up then.

@Fantapops Sorry that you’ve had that news. What I said above really applies now. Don’t spoil your time with him now by thinking about the future. Concentrate on having a good time with him, for his sake, and also so you can look back on this period as a happy time.

I’m trying to practice what I preach. DH has prostate cancer that has spread to his bones.