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Elderly parents

Finding mum very wearing

32 replies

Tiredandannoyed2023 · 06/03/2024 17:02

My mum is widowed and lives fairly locally. She is still active and able to live independently, with a reasonably good social life. I’m increasingly finding her company very wearing. She is almost always negative and I have noticed a pattern where her extreme low moods coincide with the odd days where dh and I are off together, so I usually end up feeling guilty. We try to include her in things but she quite often refuses to join us. On the occasions when she does join us conversation is difficult with lots of yes and no answers to questions. She is quite judgemental and disapproving at times too.

This is a pointless post really as I know she won’t change. I know I’m not responsible for her happiness but it’s hard when she only really has me as family support.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 13/03/2024 10:49

I haven’t agreed to go and see her. I really don’t feel I have the time or the energy to go there. I’m not feeling 100% so that is a good reason not to go. It shouldn’t feel like this. Is she expecting you-to take her, or is it something inside you saying you should take her? Even if it’s the former, treat it as if it’s the latter. And it would be pretty rotten for her if she could never confide her feelings of fed-up-ness to you for fear that you’d be feeling it was your fault.

pikkumyy77 · 13/03/2024 10:56

Tiredandannoyed2023 · 12/03/2024 20:28

I’m off tomorrow and after speaking to her earlier noted that she sounded miserable. I made the mistake of asking what was wrong and she said she felt “fed up” as she hadn’t been out for a few days. I have loads to do tomorrow so I really need a day at home to take control of my house and the mountains of ironing etc. but I feel guilty. It’s so tough!!!

Learn to say “that sounds hard” and just leave it at that. Be “warm but closed.”

Tiredandannoyed2023 · 13/03/2024 11:36

pikkumyy77 · 13/03/2024 10:56

Learn to say “that sounds hard” and just leave it at that. Be “warm but closed.”

That's more or less the approach I used. I didn’t really engage about her feeling fed up. I’m busily doing the stuff I need to do at home!!

OP posts:
SKG231 · 13/03/2024 11:51

Set boundaries. You do not have to be everything all the time to her.

its ok to say sorry mum I’m busy today I will pop around tomorrow/this evening and we can catch up then.

TorroFerney · 13/03/2024 13:45

Tiredandannoyed2023 · 12/03/2024 20:28

I’m off tomorrow and after speaking to her earlier noted that she sounded miserable. I made the mistake of asking what was wrong and she said she felt “fed up” as she hadn’t been out for a few days. I have loads to do tomorrow so I really need a day at home to take control of my house and the mountains of ironing etc. but I feel guilty. It’s so tough!!!

therapist speak but "sit with the guilt" rather than acting on it it will get less horrible each time you do it. Offering her a solution ie your time gets rid of the immediate guilt feeling and you feel less unsettled but it comes back in annoyance/resentment. And agree with others, don't be so free with information.

TorroFerney · 13/03/2024 13:46

pikkumyy77 · 13/03/2024 10:56

Learn to say “that sounds hard” and just leave it at that. Be “warm but closed.”

Warm but closed, that is a great phrase.

CadyEastman · 13/03/2024 16:12

I'm loving the warm but closed phrase too.

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