Advice for how to respond to memory loss in parent

[MsDemeanors]

My mother has memory issues, possibly/probably made worse over time by a history of alcoholism (she most recently stopped drinking in late August 2023 but has been on again/off again for decades). She is also on a variety of medications (for heart issues and diabetes as well as general pain relief) which obviously won't help matters. And she's 81 so memory issues are to be expected anyway!

I think she may have a personality disorder -- or be borderline. She certainly has always displayed many traits of covert narcissism. Which brings me to my problem.

When she forgets things (often events and conversations of only a few days/week before) it understandably makes her anxious. But if she says she didn't know about something (as an example, something to do with one of my kids) and I say (gently/without judgement) "oh I did mention that when xxx" she will get agitated and often respond "I would have remembered that". She often follows this up with criticism that I am making her worry about her memory when she is already concerned about it. This makes it hard for me to know how to respond when I am conscious that I HAVE told her something (I can sometimes show her texts which give evidence of this but this is ignored/not liked any better). At other times she tells me that I need to tell her when her memory is an issue because it's something she needs to track... so there is no winning on this.

She is aware she has a problem and I understand and can empathise with how terrifying this must be for her, but unfortunately it often makes her tendency to be critical and moody / vitriolic worse.

There are a lot of things with the relationship which are extremely challenging her behaviours have left her increasingly isolated and damaged her relationship with my husband and her grandchild (they are polite and as friendly as they can be but do limit contact to protect themselves understandable and justifiable given the history). Obviously there is no answer on all this, but what I can do is try and find ways of responding to her that don't make things worse. I'm fairly confident on grey-rocking techniques in general but I genuinely have no idea how to handle the many instances where her poor memory is in play.

If you've got this far, I would welcome any advice!

Also, just a general comment to say that this topic has been a life saver for me. It is so helpful to know that I am not alone in being in the sandwich generation and the juggle of an elderly unwell parent, teens and full-time work. I'm so sorry that so many people are experiencing similar situations but grateful to all those who take the time to post and advise. There are so many wonderful (and incredibly strong) women on this forum!

PS I don't know why the crossed out text appeared. Apologies!

Hi, firstly memory issues are not an inevitable or expected result of getting older. With her history of alcohol consumption there is a greater risk of dementia. It sounds like she has some insight into increased difficulty, which as you say can be scarry for some one. Try and see if she can get GP to refer her for a memory assessment. Then you will have an independent 'out sider' perspective. If they diagnose an issue or even mild cognitive impairment it might help her come to terms with things a bit more and she would then have a good medical excuse for when she forgets something and hopeful you won't have to challenge her so much? If they say all is well, well she is reassured but at least you know the system and memory clinics are often linked to other metal health services.

You sound very empathic into how she is feeling and it does make sense that maybe when she is more reflective she knows she needs help but in the moment its understandable that she might defensive when you try and help. Strategies like putting things on her calendar, memo notes in the house ect might work but that does mean you are taking on more responsibility. For me it would be important to know how 'bad' her memory issues are and if they might get worse and then you can maybe both talk about what would help right now and in the future?

Don’t contradict her. As you’ve found out, she won’t believe you and it just leads to friction. Just pretend everything she tells you is true and respond accordingly. “Did nobody tell you, oh dear, we must make sure you’re told next time”. A lot harder to do than say.especially when you’re being asked what you think of how Clement Attlee is running the country or whether you’ve spoken to their aunt this week.

You can never win with a narcissist. I have an ageing narcissist parent who sometimes forgets things and gets angry. In her case though it’s more that she usually thinks she is right.

Why put up with hostility if you don’t want to?

If she forgets something … well that’s a shame but so what unless it’s of vital importance?

Try to avoid being blamed by her (not easy I know) by limiting contact and commitments generally. Best not to be dragged in.

Here are some possible responses :

”there must be some mix up”, then change the subject?

A quick faux sympathetic “oh dear”, then being breezy and then moving to change the subject.

Limiting contact and keeping distance is best if you can do that. I used to argue with mine but now she is in her mid 80s it doesn’t seem worth it. I just distance myself. A “who is right” debate with such a parent is a waste of energy imo.

I'm here to sympathise. When my Mum forgets things, she blames me "you didn't tell me...", "you must have moved/borrowed/taken it...".

It's very hard being constantly blamed for everything when you know you have told them things and haven't hidden everything from them.

My Mum knows she has memory problems too. But I think the blame thing is a defence mechanism to protect herself. Or maybe I'm being nice as my Mum has never liked me much.

Anyway, it's pointless arguing or trying to prove your point. If she admits to struggling with her memory, suggest the GP to they can test her and get her medication.

It's very hard to not argue, but I am trying to do it in my head now. It helps my Mum now has a diagnosis of Alzheimer's so I can blame it on that.

Thanks so much all -- really appreciate the replies and the advice. As you know, trying to support an ageing person can be tough for the supporter as well as the supportee!

My mother did have a memory check not too long ago (ironically I can't remember exactly when!) and it wasn't flagged as being significant. It might be cognitive decline rather than dementia though thank you, @Sailawaygirl, for saying that memory issues are not an inevitable part of ageing. You're completely right of course and I think my mother's history of extreme alcohol consumption, her general lack of movement and fairly poor health plus lots of meds is probably more to blame. And even when she was in a more robust mental state, she was always prone to revising the past anyway -- one of the many reasons I think she may (almost definitely does!) have a personality disorder.

@WhiteLemon I could REALLY relate with your post! Thank you so much for writing yes, I can recognise that it's often more about "she thinks she is right"! My mother is never wrong and will create incredibly complex narratives about other people to justify her negative conclusions about them. That's more easily dealt with as I can respond with a neutral uh huh / hmm rather than words. I no longer try to argue on questions of right or wrong (or just say lightly "we'll have to agree to disagree") but I have been more unsure of how to deal with the instances where she is basically stating I haven't said something / something hasn't happened that I have / did happen. Thanks so much for the ”there must be some mix up” phrase that's INCREDIBLY useful. I am trying to set boundaries around contact (she would have me with her at all times if it were possible) but it's hard as I am all she has. Her few remaining friends are in another area and all her family are abroad. And despite the history of my childhood (dysfunctional/borderline abusive etc.) I do remain empathetic to the deep unhappiness that drives all her vitriolic behaviour (though I'm a lot less empathetic when she's in the height of being nasty!) She's like a child in arrested development. There is no real answer but I have promised myself that I can walk away from conversations when she starts targeting me with the poison. It's completely cyclical -- she has a run of being nice and then has to get it out.

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you so much -- yes, I try not to contradict her but it's been hard when I don't know what to say in its place though @WhiteLemon has given me a really useful phrase to try now!

@FiveFoxes thank you so much for your sympathy. I return it with an extra helping! It's so hard isn't it. I do find this board so helpful and have felt a little less alone since finding it.

Thank you all again for the support and advice. I think I'll suggest that she has another memory test when she is next in her cyclical phase of being open to exploring it.

PS Again, I'm not sure how I keep creating these sentences in strike through. Unintentional!

I agree with the comments that it’s easier (if frustrating) not to contradict her.

Another technique is to remind her of things as part of the conversation, if that makes sense? For example, if I was speaking to DH’s aunt when she was in the early stages of dementia, I would try to add reminders, so when I told her that DD was in a dance show, I’d start off by saying ‘You know that DD has been been doing dance classes for a year now, and she’s taking part in their next show’, that kind of thing.

OP - strike through is when you put two sashes next to each other round a word or phrase like this but without spaces like this

@Pocketfullofdogtreats Thanks so much. I thought that was how they are created but don't think I used dashes in some of the sections where the strike through has appeared (but maybe I'm wrong!)

@EllieQ Yes, that's a great technique, thank you! I have used it before but think I need to use it more to pre-empt the issue. Maybe if I put in those conversational reminders the issue won't come up so much. Great advice, thanks!

Do you know if they checked her B12? Alcoholism causes significant deficiencies and this can cause memory issues