How do I help Mum without offending her?

[missb10]

Since my Dad passed away in 2020 (from Covid), I have come to realise that everything my Mum did was for my Dad. Even when he was living in a care home, she worked in the house and the garden that he loved so much, but since then she has done less and less around the house and garden. She is 86 now and has some mobility problems, so she can't do as much as she used to; however I think that a lot of it because she no longer has the motivation. I hate to see her untidy house because she doesn't throw anything away and the untidy garden because she can't do it herself and the gardener rarely comes round. I could help her, but I don't want to offend her. How should I approach this?

Spend time with her. listen to her. Ask her what she wants.

I don’t think it’s motivation, I think it’s physical inability. Get the gardener to come round more regularly, or just accept the garden won’t be like it was before. Same with inside: do it yourself, employ a cleaner or accept it.

She is 86 for heaven’s sake!

it comes as a shock when our parents become less able and less motivated. You see the family home and garden start to look neglected and scruffy compared with before, and it can be quite upsetting. That is the nature of old age … into the eighties and nineties people’s world starts to shrink (not everyone but most …) and it gets to be enough in a day for them to get themselves washed, dressed, find their glasses, hearing aids, take any pills, potter about, attempt the crossword, maybe have forty winks. Things change.
i think the clue is where you said “I hate to see … “ this is understandably about your feelings, which are important too but it’s her home and her life. If you ask her directly whether she’d like a bit more help and she says no, you need to accept it for now.
You can discreetly check for trip hazards, curly rugs etc and try to make her life easier with any adaptations that she might accept, but if she’s anything like my own mum who equally devoted her life to my dad and is a very proud woman still at 93, you’ll need to wait until the things break down a bit more if they do.
You can then look forward to about sixty trips to the tip, as my brother and I did when mum eventually agreed to downsize.
It’s hard - try to take care of yourself too as your relationship with your mum changes.

Yes, it’s age and lessening of physical ability and stamina, but as OP says, motivation is important too. What’s the point of an immaculate home and garden if no-one ever sees it? If she’s 86, her upbringing is likely to have had more emphasis on doing nice things for others. Things have changed a lot over the last three quarters of a century.

I know a woman who was persuaded in her 80s to downsize from a 3 storey Victorian pile to a modern 3bed. She was still washing her bed linen by hand in the sink, because she preferred not to use a machine. So it’s not necessarily just age

See if she is eligible for attendance allowance- at 86 she probably will be- the threshold is quite low for basic
Then say that you have x amount each week to spend on help- that is a way in.