Doing everything for EP

[MixedCouple]

I do absolutely everything for them. As the youngest of 4. I get called upon to do everything. Simply put the other 3 are useless I mean useless. When my parentsnts have asked them for help they do an awful job and make a mess which I then have to undo. Or twke so long it never gets done.
They always say they are grateful and I don't mind helping.

But.... This is controversial. When I helped them with their will. I did eveything again. They asked me to put inheritance as equally split. I was silently shocked given my 3 siblings just use my parents for eveything even financially.

I have bought up previously the borrowed money that they gave to siblings. I.e 10k to cover 1 siblings wedding as they were broke. 3k for a car for the other sibling. £6k to cover university fees etc. And when that money will be returned and they shy away from that conversation. And I try to encourage them to bring this up as it was a loan and they were told it was a loan. And to me logically the loaned money should be deducted from the inhertiance. That makes sense to me.

While I have never taken a penny from them since I was legally allowed to work. Just my ethics. I paid for all electronics, personal devices, university, bills, driving leasons, car, my wedding, travel for guests and accomodation for said wedding. Etc etc etc.
Don't think I am loaded. I just worked hard and saved. I worked since 16 saved every penny and spent very wisely. In fact I earn less then all 3 siblings. I was a radiographer max earnings 28k whereas they were earning much much more even as much as 15k probably more now.

Every now and then I feel I want to say something. Especially when they ask me for things when I am in the midst of pregnancy and a sick toddler and it has to be done now. P.s they have never helped with said Grandchildren and I feel bad to ask them for help. I did think they would offer given all I do. But they happily spend weeks looking after siblings kids. I see them struggle as they have gotten older ao don't want to burden them. But at the same time I feel I am struggling and they can see that.

I keep on thinking I should say something. But knowing them they will most likely respond negatively. Seen it happened with other things before.
My friends tell me to start saying No and stop being available for them. I.e I call to check on them every 1-2 days. My siblings call maybe once a week - once a month. Usually when they need something.
But it isn't in my nature to do that out of spite. I dont want to be like my siblings. But not sure what to do / say.

I honestly thought after everything I would be "favoured" with the inheritance. Or shown gratitude in another way. Not just with them saying Thank you for your help.

Should I just forget it and accept I am "that child" and take the high ground.

Put simply - it's their money and their choice and they may do as they wish with their money.

It sounds more like you need to work on your boundaries than it being their issue.

I have tried that in the past. Distancing and not contacting as often. Then DM sends messages that she is worried as they are used to me contacting often and when I do call a bit later they are off with me. Then I go back to the frequent contact.

Just this weekend I was super busy very sick toddler and pregnancy related issues and wasn't in the mood for socializing. And this evening I get a text from DM saying she is worried and to call as they need help with x,y and z.

How do I respond?

Text back and say you and toddler are unwell and they will have to get your siblings to do x,y & z. And you will be in contact when well enough.......then rest! If they are capable of texting they are capable of doing x,y,z or getting someone else to do it for them.1

It’s because you are the ‘competent’ and ‘sensible’ one that they call on you. Rather than consider whether you might be feeling overburdened, they’ve assigned your behaviour to a personality trait, inherent within you. It means that if they sometimes wonder if they’re asking too much, they can simply say to themselves ‘oh she’s so lucky to be so sensible’.

What you need to do is say to them ‘you know I’m finding this all a bit much’

The inheritance thing, that’s just parents being ‘fair’.

I view inheritance as being family money to be shared equally, not as payment for services rendered.

That said, I try to keep lifetime payments roughly equal.

I wonder whether they’re viewing these gifts as loans and assuming they’ll be repaid by the time they die. In which case you could suggest that they convert to gifts for IHT purposes (if they live for 7 years after making the gift, it won’t be regarded as part of their estate), and adjust the split accordingly.

You could ask them for a “loan” - eg to pay for childcare.

I suspect they don’t in fact realise you’re struggling.

How do I respond? “I’m sorry, it’s nothing to worry about, but I’m not well, and I can’t come over. You’ll need to get one of the others to help this time”.

You are playing the martyr. Martyrs are tiresome. Either help them or don’t help them, it’s completely up to you. Just as your siblings helping or not helping them is completely up to your siblings.

And is it fair to say your help is in any case conditional? You think you should receive compensation for it via a bigger slice of the inheritance pie?

A

They don’t always call the OP, every two days it’s her calling them. The parents have every reason to believe she is willing to do things for them. The other three siblings have successfully communicated their unwillingness.