Wrong to be firm about this with DM?

[Gloobyfree]

Left abusive ex and moved in temporarily with my parents seven years ago. Was on the verge of moving with my 2 DC when my dad died suddenly aged 72.

DM has some health and mobility issues and felt unable to cope on her own.

Went back to drawing board with house search and eventually found somewhere with potential for ground floor space for DM.

Came to moving in day and DM turned on the waterworks saying that she didn’t want to be away from everyone by being in the downstairs room - decided that the main bedroom ‘would suit her fine’

Stupidly went along with things and took the downstairs space myself - not ideal, but just sort of got on with things.

In the meantime, DM has become less steady on her feet and has recently had a few falls coming up and down the stairs.

I feel the time has come to be firmer with her about taking the downstairs room - but I know she will resist.

How firm should I be?

Basement or care home. Her choice.

Very firm. Downstairs is more practical and safe with her needs. Plus who paid for this house?

Very firm

She's at risk of a fall which could render her disabled or dead

Who actually owns the house? And if the downstairs room wasn’t ideal for you when you moved in, why was it ideal for her?
Also, look at having a stair lift fitted. It enabled my grandma to stay in her home independently for 10 more years.

Very firm. Be very blunt about what could happen if she fell and you were out for the day. Say you are not prepared to take the risk any more and you will be swapping rooms .

Who owns the property?
Does she use a walking aid?
Is a stair lift feasible?
Does she have any contraindications if she was to use a stair lift?
"Downstairs, is it all level?
Consider isolation
No one can force her in to a "care home" as another FM, suggested
Consider, intercome link with mum and alarm pendant.

No one wants to be isolated - why di you not buy a bugalow, howerver, stairs often addressed via stair lift

we had this with my mother in law. Tell her it’s a safety issue with the stairs so she has to go down. Suggest it as a trial. My mil was really worried about being away from everyone incase she fell etc. My husband slept on the sofa so he was nearby to get her used to it. Also got a baby monitor thing so we could hear her if she needed anything. That worked for a while until her mobility got really bad, she’s now in a care home. With my own parents when stairs became a safety issue I told them they’d either have to get a stair lift or move to a bungalow. They got a stairlift fitted within 2 weeks. I know it’s hard but sometimes you have to just tell them it’s not safe and work out an alternative 💐

Maybe the poster funded the house and didn’t want a bungalow. Lots of people like me aren’t a fan of them

Unless the rest of you spend all your time upstairs, I'm not sure I understand her objection. Is she worried about not getting help in the night? Is there anything you can put in place to mitigate that, or whatever else it is that's worrying her?

With sincere respect, I'll let the poster answer

A lot of people don't like bungalows I agree, but so many have been extended and often have a loft room as well, therefore bungalows are not what they were 30 years ago.

Thank you

To be fair to the poster bungalows are in high demand in some areas and highly priced - IL’s been after one for a few years now and struggling.

How can you be "fair" when you have no idea whatsoever where the poster lives?
OP never stated they looked for a bungalow and trust me, if needs are great, many properties around that have ground floor roms where one is used as a bedroom and often have a toilet at least and often in recent years some have converted the integral garage to a bedit.

Lets not second guess and the OP answer the question.

Is she worried about not being able to attract your attention at night if she needs help? If so, can you get some sort of communication system so she can call you if needed? My MIL and FIL had walkie talkies, but I'm sure Alexa would also fulfil the role.

Why would being downstairs render her isolated? Doesn’t the rest of the family spend most of their waking time downstairs anyway?

would she have access to a bathroom downstairs? If not, then she’ll still need to get upstairs

Surely most of the family spend their waking hours downstairs where the kitchen and living space are, rather than in their bedrooms?!

If she's worried about falling in the night and not being heard then there are alarms and alert buttons that can be used.

This is assuming there's a bathroom downstairs though!