🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Not wanting to sound unsympathetic above, but ultimately if they can't get there then they can't get there.

I've had to say no to a lengthy round trip for an appointment for mine. I can't do it, partly work commitments, partly clash with something for my child.

It's yet another thing for the mental load but worth writing to your MP (once you've got one next week!) to point out the insanity of providing a service in town B that can't be accessed from their constituency in town A.

They drove mum to the dentist in the next town then told her they wouldn't be able to bring her back. No bus service.
Mum's MP is Stephen Barclay who's response to a complaint that the GP was refusing face to face appointments, despite 2 hospital consultants writing to say phone consultations weren't appropriate, for my then 94yo dad, partially sighted and very deaf with a list of co morbidities dad that resulted in a misdiagnosis that nearly killed him was "they are following covid guidelines" so I don't think I'll waste my time contacting him.
So frustrating that something that will save NHS issues down the line looks like it just won't happen. Because it's inevitable that eventually the falls will need an ambulance/hospital admission.

@countrygirl99 you’re right that it is frustrating the health services which could extend quality of life are harder to access than sick services 😔

Also, Patient Transport was breathtakingly and appallingly difficult to access. There was obviously a flow chart and I kept answering the questions in the wrong way.

By the end It seemed that basically you only qualify if you’re in a wheelchair and will be ready and waiting for someone to collect you and wheel you in and out. So no help at all with an incontinent and barely mobile person at high risk of falls but can manage a step if there is a grab rail and could walk 50 metres into a clinic with a rollator if there was a chair at the other end. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the number of people who seemed employed simply to block people accessing the service.

Oh it is all a 'mare.
Not an elderly parent but might as well be, there is someone I know who is now a blind wheelchair user with severe fatigue and intermittent cognitive problems...

Patient Transport Schmansport!

One time patient transport hadn't been told she was in a wheelchair so they'd sent someone not equipped or, crucially, insured, to deal with that.

You have to book it days and days in advance so if it's an emergency appt you're screwed. Yay.

Mostly they do turn up... but the timings are so awful - early morning to very late afternoon - that someone already very frail, who needs taking to the loo and feeding, is left sitting around hospital for so long they can barely do anything for days after.

And sometimes, PT don't turn up - we have had calls from the worried carer, both "the appointment is in an hour and they haven't turned up" and "it's 5:30pm and she's not home yet, can you find out where she is and go fetch her please".

Anyone wittering about the "economically inactive" gets a hard stare from me.
Who do they think is carting the elderly and vulnerable about to the appointments with dentists, opticians, and the remains of the NHS? Apart from those with full time jobs, family responsibilities, and full blown nervous breakdowns, that is.

It's terrible they'd take her to the dentist and then say they couldn't bring her back!

Hopefully you'll get a better MP next week!

I do think this is going to be an increasing problem for more and more people as hospitals centralise services into specialist centres that are further away from a lot of their patients.

And I see this happen again and again - I manage a large team of people and the number being run ragged by caring responsibilities... I try to offer as much flexibility as possible but ultimately do need the job done.

There's an expectation by a lot of services that there's an army of people to help with this stuff. A conversation with one team member last week about childcare and attending school events. There's an expectation of four fully functioning but not working grandparents to fill in the gaps. With elderly parents there's an expectation of multiple mysterious people [women] who aren't working but are fit enough to do everything being available at all times.

I'm actually going through a redundancy process at the moment (voluntary, was due to retire in the spring so it's a golden ticket) but my notice period ends at Christmas, so things will be easier in future but not right now. I'll still live a good hour away though.

It is such a struggle isn't it.

I have to take my partially sighted Dad with COPD to all appointments via taxi, he can at least manage the walk from his door to the taxi, but needs a wheelchair from the taxi to get around the hospital as he get short of breath. I do this on my days off and often appointments are sent out that don't fit, so I have to chase around to get them rescheduled and can never get through on the phone.

Situation with my Aunt is worse, she has no kids. I am 200 miles away and don't drive so can't help. Social care are still saying she has capacity so can refuse help.

She had no food in the house and the only reason she does now is because I got a food delivery from a supermarket which social care put away for her when they visited this week. I am waiting on hearing whether memory clinic and adult mental health will do a home visit.

She clearly has dementia, no one can take her to appointments anymore as neighbours have had enough of their concerns being ignored so now they are not helping at all with anything which is their choice. They have done so much for her but she refuses to see that they can't carry on as she needs more help now.

Social care said get a personal assistant to do shopping, but all the companies need online payment, BACS or cheque none of which Aunt can do and as they state capacity POA can't be activated and I can't regularly manage this from hundreds of miles aware. Absolute nightmare.

@countrygirl99 I’d grasp redundancy with both hands if it was a possibility - congratulations for getting it at a time it could make a big difference for you (although sooner than Christmas would probably be a help).

@EmotionalBlackmail it must affect who employers want to take on too and how economically active we can actually be.

At least when I had my children I had (quite short as only able to take the paid time off) maternity leave and was able to return as 0.75 FTE which I’ve remained as even now children are in secondary school because of caring and the flexibility with DH commuting from 7 to 7. Very hard to justify part time in a new job and means I’ll be poorer in retirement. I bet my free bus pass and free prescriptions will go the same way as free TV licence.

But I’ve heard of some shocking demands for mothers returning to work now - and this is with women and mothers in the decision making management. None of this is sustainable for society, which definitely assumes there is an army of grandparents caring down and adult children caring up.

Well, unless they're going for discrimination on a big scale (ie not taking on any women of child-bearing age!) it would be difficult to intentionally not employ someone who is a carer. I'm doing a lot of recruitment at the moment, and it's done anonymously so we have no idea who the person is, age, male/female even until they turn up for interview. I have no idea if someone is a carer unless they choose to mention it.
The law changed in April so flexible working is now a day one employment right (used to be you had to work for 26 weeks before putting in a request) and offering flexibility is a way to get fantastic staff if you can support them to manage their caring commitments alongside work.

But it does have limits as I do still need the job done. I've had people drop to PT hours because of caring but still think they should be paid for FT(?!?!). Like many employers there's barely any slack in the workload so if someone is off it's hard to cover the work.

But it does have limits as I do still need the job done. I've had people drop to PT hours because of caring but still think they should be paid for FT(?!?!).

I wonder if you’re my boss? I recently floated the idea with her for dropping hours from FT and one of the things she immediately said was, did I realise I would be paid less. I was a bit flabbergasted as said yes, and I knew it would also impact annual leave, pension contributions, bonuses etc and she sounded relieved and said she’d previously had staff who wanted to work PT on FT salary!

I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one getting these requests!

See also the employee wanting to take sick leave because their child or relative is ill. Noooooo sick leave is for YOU!

EmotionalBlackmail · Today 19:44
I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one getting these requests!

See also the employee wanting to take sick leave because their child or relative is ill. Noooooo sick leave is for YOU!

is there an emergency leave clause for when child/ adult relative is ill? Certainly was when I worked in the nhs until 2013.

No, never had anything like that anywhere I've worked. There's unpaid leave to deal with an emergency such as a childminder being ill, schoolchild getting into a fight(!) or elderly parent admitted to hospital or you can take annual leave at short notice.

The unpaid leave is very much worded that it's to deal with the immediate situation and it isn't to be used to do the caring yourself!

Yes that’s my understanding of emergency unpaid leave too, to spend the time making new arrangements not to do the caring yourself. Eg your childminder broke her leg, you spend the day on the phone finding a new one. Never mind the reality of finding a new childminder on a days notice!

There’s also the bereavement leave of a week if I lose someone close to me, which is impossible, but I presume in that situation we’re expected to get a fit note and take sick leave if we need more time off work. I’m assuming sick leave comes out of a different budget/is accounted for in a different way to special leave such as bereavement.

Our compassionate leave is two days paid leave for a close relative (parent, sibling). You wouldn't get it for an aunt or uncle, unless they'd effectively brought you up or something similar! If longer is needed people usually get a FIT note from their GP. For getting houses cleared people usually use annual leave.

Budget-wise it'll vary between employers but statutory amounts (eg maternity or Shared Parental Leave) are reclaimed from the govt and the rest (if employer pays more than statutory) comes out of the existing departmental staffing budget. So I'd need to cover maternity leave or sick pay from existing staff costs, in practice that means not filling vacancies immediately so there's some money available. And keeping fingers crossed there aren't too many people on sick leave or maternity leave simultaneously!

We get 5 days for a spouse, parent or sibling when my dad died it was 2 days after my manager's mum died and there wre only 3 of us in the team. We wouldn't leave the most junior person on his own so we tag teamed and took the 5 days in 1s and 2s as we needed. BUT my manager was very flexible about taking the odd couple of hours as needed.

Covering sickness is a particular problem if it's more than a week or two as there's no 'extra' money to pay someone else to cover the work as we're still paying the person who is off sick.

Employers used to be able to reclaim the Statutory Sick Pay part from the govt which at least gave a buffer and could mean we could partially pay for cover for the job but now it's all on the employer to pay it.

Taking the bigger picture, i wish those in government realised this is why it is so difficult to be a carer and hold down a job, particularly full time and/or irregular hours. If you luck out with a flexible employer such as mine, great but I have the kind of WFH job that can be done anywhere anytime and my boss is chilled about “core hours” as long as I record billable time spent accurately. There’s not many jobs like mine. Employers have a right to expect reliable employees to be able to continue their business, and if there wasn’t a business there wouldn’t be a job there. But it’s very often not the carers fault that they can’t be reliable due to the relentless and random nature of the crises we face.

i wish there was some kind of job exchange where carers can advertise themselves for work on what they know they can do and employers willing to be flexible and needing for the right staff can take them up on it. I’ve been in the situation in the past where I’ve advertised for staff and had no suitable candidates at all. I’d have gladly taken someone able to commit to do a good job 2 days a week than have a full time vacancy empty for months. But HR, policies and procedures etc etc all conspire to make this difficult.

I always laugh when people (male,politicians) wonder why wome in their 50s and 60s aren’t working. My job is flexible but has tight deadlines and is unforgiving. You either do it well or you will be savaged.

On Friday afternoon I was dealing with my mother, two hours away, her sudden and uncontrollable diarrahea and clean-up, then an ambulance and a and e until midnight, when I left to get some sleep. I caught up on some work this weekend but my brain is shot, just fried. She is entering her final weeks and has had ten hospital admissions since December.

Which Employer would want me? I have to cancel things suddenly and have no way of telling how long I need away from my desk.

I’m self-employed with no sick pay or annual leave. I love my work and want to keep going, but there are so many crises.

It is unsustainable really at that level around work.

With my Dad it is ok at the moment, most of what he needs slots into my days off and my husband helps with the other days, but he is also a carer for my disabled child so if my Dad needs more he would need to accept outside help.

Can't provide help for my Aunt as she is hundreds of miles away. Not even going to try as I have a disability, so does DH, two disabled children, but one higher needs. Social care keep trying to get me to do things, for my Aunt, but I have told them categorically I cannot. If I step in even a tiny bit they will continue to do nothing which I can't facilitate long term.

I get 3 days carers leave and then discretionary unpaid special leave, but we rely on my income, so can't afford to lose my job.

The government have no idea and the whole PIP, DWP situation is going to make things massively worse for disabled people and carers.

They need to pay carers more to take the burden off the state, this generation have to work and cannot juggle kids, work and elderly care on a pittance.

It’s situations like this - common, widespread ones where people are doing their best - that make me wonder about Universal Basic Income. It doesn’t solve the problems of the workplace and I recognise most of the examples here want to work, but it would take away the worry of precarity, and free people up to be more flexible to be able to care, or be self employed, or take on part time work, or a combination.
Sigh. When I rule the world…

I remember a couple of months ago I got a phone call mid morning from the carer doing the daily welfare check (fortunately mum's forgotten she pays for as she doesn't think she needs any help). She asked if I could "pop round" as mum was very down. Not only do I live an hour away but I was at a work meeting an hour in the opposite direction with a contractor. On top of that in the previous 10 days I had taken an emergency afternoon off when mum had a fall and an emergency day when DH was taken to hospital with a suspected stroke. I'm sure the carer thinks I'm a heartless cow for saying no, I can't.

Nan is in hospital. She went in this morning with severe back pain. They've x-rayed her pelvis and back and she has historical fractures to the spine and a serious liver problem. I don't know what will happen next but for now she is in the best place.

Just posting to mark my spot. My parents are elderly and both failing in different ways. I'm an only child so it falls to me. They live in a pretty isolated rural location which will be unsuitable at some point soon, but their housing situation is pretty complex legally. Anyway I think this thread will be a good place for me.