Carers assessment

[Chrisaldridge]

my ‘journey’ in to caring began 12 years ago but really ramped up when one parent died then covid kicked in. I tried to get some help in the second lockdown and spoke to someone (social services?? An occupational therapist?) who organised for some aids and minor household adjustments over the phone. Lock down and the year after was confusing as nothing was normal so I’m not sure what I should have done/asked for. I’m now into my fourth year of working full time/parenting a primary aged child/caring for my remaining parent who lives alone in their own home, a 40 minute drive away. Like many they refuse to move and, being of sound mind, I can’t make them. I have two days off a week and spend one of them with that parent and most other days I’m doing something on their behalf be it shopping, admin, finances, sourcing entertainment, checking they are up and well.

Some days I’m ok and other days I feel so down and trapped. I never have time to myself. My one week family holiday leaves me racked with guilt in case something happens and I also have to listen to the ‘you know I won’t see anyone for X days…’ though I’ve been de-sensitised to some of that especially as I’ve been through several rounds of trying to get them to access services available like social groups. I worry constantly about the house repairs needed at the parents home, there’s one particular issue that is an time bomb waiting to go off and I don’t know how I will cope when it does and my own home is a dump that hasn’t been decorated or had anything done in years. My remaining parent can’t use any sort of digital device so I get to do everything - I’ve even found myself locked out of my own GP services as their triage needs a unique mail address and mine was already in use for my parent.

anyhow, pity party over - I’ve heard that I can get my own assessment, a carers assessment without my parent being involved. Has anyone done this and was it worthwhile? I’m not sure what I want to achieve - more help, less
anxiety? Probably an answer to the doomsday question of what happens if/when the home issue becomes an emergency. If anyone could share how/if it helped them and the person they care for, I’d be interested to know.

rewrite should be re-wire! Though I could do with a rewrite as well.

When we were getting our house re-roofed some months before we moved in, we paid our surveyor to supervise. He did a very good job, climbing up ladders to inspect at close quarters.

My cousin cares for his non-ambulant, non-verbal son. He gets a number of respite weeks a year, and a number of hours each week of a sitting service.

So yes, it does look like it’s dependent on area

Huge sympathy OP. I have been where you are and it is exhausting, isn't it.

First, if you can, get power of attorney sorted. You need to persuade your parent that it doesn't mean you are taking over. It just means that you have their permission to talk to their bank or doctor to help them if the need it. Do not pay any more than 2 x £82 for them. There are websites out there offering the forms at a huge fee. Just print one off from gov.uk for you to fill in and your parent to sign.

Second, have you referred your parent to adult social services for a needs assessment? If not, do so, but try to be there for the assessment and be prepared to step in when your mum says 'Yes, I'm fine. I can put my shopping away' or 'No, it's ok. Dd does all that for me ' Be prepared to be firm. 'No Mum, you would like me to do that for you, but I can't. I have to be at work/with my children/on holiday/whatever.'

Finally, if your mum ever has to go into hospital for a stay, then push every button you can whilst in there to get her assessed and extra help. Hospitals can fast track you to assessments and equipment and care packages. Again, be proactive in talking to the OTs on the ward about the help she needs, and don't offer to prop her up. Be honest about your needs too and don't be talked into offering more than you can. They have to be sure she's safe to come home with what's on offer. (You will,vof course, still be involved and visit, but get all the help they can offer if she's in.)

HTH

The best way I can describe caring for a parent is it's like watching a car crash in slow motion. You know exactly what is going to happen and have a pretty good idea of what to do to prevent it, but you are not in control of the car and person who is, can't control the car. Carers find themselves in the car - and you need to get out so you can survive.

You will not be able to control and do everything to ensure your DM has a more comfortable life - for whatever reason she will not agree to taking up the help she has been offered. I'm not going to sugar coat it - it can mean they end up living in a total mess.

One set of parents totally refused any help at all and ended up a few years down the line living in absolute squalor. We tried everything but they wouldn't budge. There was money there which meant they could have been comfortable safe and cared for, but they chose not to take that route. As was so easy to predict shit hit fan at high speed so in the end they had no choices at all and had to go into a care home.

Second set of parents were slow to realise what was happening and therefore reluctant to accept help and in a strange way the Lockdowns ended up forced issues: carers were going in, they went to local groups for company & respite. Shit still hit the fan when one, the one who did the caring, needed hospital admission. But we'd talked about it before hand and had a vague plan so we had some choice.

What I'm trying to say, and going a very long way around to say it, is you need to step back for your own sanity and health and to keep your other relationships and responsibilities going. Try and get things in place - more carer time, cleaning hours, offers of groups out of the home, with transportation arranged. And be clear to your DM - I can't continue to do this level and increasing level of support. I can put X,Y Z in place to help us both. You don't have to accept it but I strongly urge you too as I can't continue to pick up the pieces. Yes, there will be a increase of feeling guilty on your part, but you will also know you've done your best, given options and your DM will have chosen her path.

One practical suggestion - could you get a cleaner to be there and time supermarket delivery around when they will be there so they can put away the delivery.

Still go for the carer's assessment - and take every little bit of practical help offered, however minor (but maybe not the massage!)

A carer's assessment is an assessment for you, as the carer. I don't really understand why £200 for a massage is being dismissed. Lots of carers would love this.

If you want practical support for the cared for person then they need an assessment in their own right.

Please don't slag off social workers and the like for doing their jobs with the resources available to them.

@Notquitegrownup2 POA is in place but not activated. I have no justification to activate it. My parent is of sound mind. Not making decisions I think are good is not an adequate reason. The mobility issues that create problems with accessing the bank etc are also not an adequate reason. This is what I mean re: responsibility without authority.

they have refused all offers re: groups including one that offered transport door to door. I got that offer after I went through the GP well-being contact who then found the group and spoke to my parent who then refused to go. Basically, they don’t leave the house. I get every excuse under the sun. I then get the pitiful comments like, when will I see you again (I’m there one full day every week minimum and speak every day) I don’t see a human for days etc etc. My head knows I shouldn’t be manipulated given the above but occasionally the blow hits home and I just feel so depressed.

@DPotter the car analogy is exactly it!

@Oldermum84 i don’t think anyone has slagged off social services. It’s more that the system isn’t well understood
and varies per area so expectations aren’t managed. That’s why I’m garnering opinions and experiences here so I don’t waste SS time or my time on something that doesn’t benefit me.

POA is in place but not activated. I have no justification to activate it. My parent is of sound mind. Not making decisions I think are good is not an adequate reason. The mobility issues that create problems with accessing the bank etc are also not an adequate reason.

There are 2 types of PoA, with different rules.

The health and welfare one can be activated only when the person loses capacity, and when this happens the attorney takes over decisions (although ultimate responsibility for medical treatment is with the doctors).

The finance one can be activated at any point and does not remove the person's right or ability to make their own decisions and manage their own affairs. The attorney can act with rather than instead of them. I have one for my mum which has been activated - she's fully capable and I have no involvement in her finances at the moment, but it is ready to go if needed. I also had one for my dad when he was capable of making decisions and understanding his affairs, but lacked the physical ability to carry them all out. So he did some things and I took on others as needed - things like going to the bank branch when he couldn't.

So the finance one could be activated now if it would make your life easier. It wouldn't give you the power to overrule her bad decisions, but would enable you to do things like banking on her behalf if you want. If this would increase the demands on you, you might prefer to leave it inactivated.

@NoBinturongsHereMate off to check the document now! Thank you :-)

I don't think anyone is slagging off SS @Oldermum84 it's more that they are giving some honest feedback about their experience with them.

I work for Age UK and I'm often on these boards I find it interesting to read the feedback about Age UK and I also take it on board.

@NoBinturongsHereMate I have checked the finance document and there is NO restriction on it so yes, it could be activated. It’s good to know it is an option so thanks for that.

Please don't slag off social workers and the like for doing their jobs with the resources available to them

I don't think anyone has! The truth is though that there is very little support for unpaid carers. We are pretty much left to get on with it. That is a failure at a national level and not the fault of cash strapped councils or the staff.

I carry out carers assessments , and yes, it does vary from local authority and will also depend to an extent on the worker you get. The Care Act states la have to offer support to carers but each local authority will provide this in a different way, some give a set amount of money. Each carer is in a different situation, some have been very thankful with the advice I've given, some have probably thought 'well, that was a waste of time'. I can make enquires on their behalf, put in touch with other organizations, help them think about future plans. I've given money for many different things:- driving lessons, holidays, white goods, gardening, sitters and yes, massages.

NecklessMumster please don't think I am critical of what you do. Our local council have been brilliant in helping with a stairlift and other things and I am so grateful. I know you all work really hard.

Thank you, I know it can be very hit and miss, and definitely getting harder