Mum becoming increasingly difficult/demanding

[RoséProsecco]

My mum is 81 & widowed. We lost dad 3 years ago from dementia & she cared for him almost till the very end. It must have been incredibly hard (during covid).

I'm wondering if she now has depression or if there's something else going on.

She seems to have great difficulty retaining information, particularly around plans/arrangements. Cannot get anywhere on time. Wax in ears but won't book a hearing test or pay to get them cleaned. Lots of point-scoring comments, not being able to follow conversations.

And is having increasing difficulty doing the most basic of things eg bank transfers, phoning the bloke to clean the gutters.

She almost seems a little irrational in hee thought processes - just not logical at all.

Her driving has deteriorated & she recently had an accident, writing the car off. We helped her buy a new one, which she's struggling to consistently drive it (same model but newer) & is taking it to the garage tomorrow as she thinks the car is at fault - when it's clearly her.

She prepares a list of jobs for my younger sister who lives nearby & visits weekly - but is becoming increasingly overwhelmed with the amount mum is asking of her. She has expectations that daughters help mothers, and is very reluctant to try & do things for herself.

I'm not sure if she's just declining cognitively, or depressed or if this is just normal ageing?

Any words of wisdom appreciated- thanks

How would you feel if you choose not to stop your Mum from driving due to upsetting her independance and she kills someone?

A car is quite literally a lethal weapon and those who do not have the capacity to be in control should not be driving one.

How would you feel if YOUR child was killed by someone elses elderly parent, because their child didnt want to have the confrontation and converstaion about reducing their independance?

But it's not the kids job to do this. Its the elderly person themselves who should be aware of this, looking for signs, and taking responsibility. I agree though, that it's often left for the kids to do something because the elderly person won't.

Sorry but i disagree

While it maybe the 81 year olds ultimate decision we all have a duty to safe guard anyone who does not have the capacity to safeguard themselves.... (the person most likely to be killed is themself)

and when it comes to a real risk of killing / injuring people we have a moral duty to step up, even if conversations are difficult........

Or alternatively you might be happy to live with yourself is someone was killed because it was an awkward conversation to have, that wasnt "technically your responsibilty" ?

I guess most people wouldnt be quite so happy it was their own loved one who was killed, or had life changing injuries, or even just any injuries at all, as the result of being hit by someone, whose other close relations had already realised should no longer be driving.... but they chose to ignore as the conversation would be difficult..... and its not technically their responsibilty anyway....

I wouldn't underestimate the effect that failing hearing can have. It can be extremely isolating and make you feel confused.

I phoned the hearing clinic yesterday, as mum had said her hearing was "borderline" and was under the impression it was her choice if she wanted hearing aids but didn't qualify for them under the NHS. She seemed a bit unsure about what had happened.

The audiologist explained she had moderate hearing loss (particularly for voices) & would qualify for NHS hearing aids albeit with a referral to audiology & long wait (18-24m) but can afford it).

So she's not understood & got the wrong end of the stick.

No, we don't disagree, we agree. If the elderly person continues to drive with deteriorated skills, absolutely, those around them should loudly speak up. The elderly person doesn't have a get out of jail free card on this though. First and foremost they should take responsibility themselves and they shouldn't just be let off the hook.

Trouble is, with driving as with other things, that it's a gradual deterioration and the older person often doesn't realise how bad it's got because it's been gradual or may now lack the awareness to realise it's down to their skill and ability decreasing rather than something else like roads being busier, something being wrong with the car or poor road lighting.

So that means someone else has to intervene for something to happen about it!

I don't remember Attendance Allowance being mentioned. The CAB helped me to fill in the form and Age UK can also help. If you haven't got it and manage to get it, you could put it to your mum in such a way that it is to pay for something that would help her (and you).

Can you think of a way/lie to get her the message they think she needs hearing aids... Did the hearing clinic have a private option? If she can afford it as thats a long time to wait

My sister is going over today & going to ask mum to drive so she can observe (we usually drive mum)

And she'll bring up the hearing results.

I'll go through during the week and follow on from there.

I saw a lovely modern flat on Righmtove with patio garden nearer the town centre & across the road from the shops so I'll show her it (but I don't think she can cope with the upheaval of moving after living in the family home for over 50 years).

She doesn't seem to be up for helping herself at the moment. Some PP's have suggested she's in deep denial & I think that's absolutely correct.

Well done on moving forward with the hearing OP and sorry you are having such a hard time on this thread.

For anyone who hasn’t been in this position it can be really difficult to persuade someone they are no longer fit to drive (we had this with my FIL, fortunately my dad realised himself that he wasn’t safe to drive anymore) and OP isn’t yet sure this is the case yet but her and her sister are checking this out this week.

You can report your mum to the DVLA. I did this for my 85 yr old dad. You fill the form in online and leave your details, however your details aren't passed onto the person you are reporting.

My dad has a Parkinsonian shuffle, gout so no feeling in one foot, end stage heart failure.He had the assessment at the GP last week and dad said it went wonderfully. I suspect the DVLA will allow him to keep driving.

My husband is an older adult cpn and the system is wrong. The onus is on the person with dementia to self report to the GP which of course they don't want to do.

Sorry self report their diagnosis to the DVLA not gp

@RoséProsecco

I 🤔 don't think it's a case of its that or this,

It's realistic a combo of factors the loneliness of losing her husband your father so becoming increasingly neediness expecting requiring overwhelming demands on home front nature,
awareness of own mortality cause of losing your father only a few years ago,

and natural Ageing process with forgetfulness ect
Dementia

I firmly believe that over 75s should have a driving assessment every year and that the result of failing that or refusing to take it is that they cannot get insured and are banned. It would work that the baseline is that you would pass unless the tester felt you were beginning to pose a risk to other road users.

no people wouldn't like it, yes they may lose their independence but when your risky driving puts people's lives at risk I don't think that should be a consideration. I also think DVLA should deal far more quickly and positively when family members report concerns abd that GPs should also be more aware of the risks. Many are very reluctant to support withdrawal of licenses but are essentially allowing dangerous drivers to remain on the road.

many elderlies are on vast cocktails of drugs, I wonder if the effects on driving have been investigated of these combinations. While a particular medication may be ok in isolation maybe combined with another they may not ? Is this something prescribers would take into consideration ?

Also a statutory test would take the onus off families and would mean that children didn't have to play the role of the bad person taking something away from their parent which obviously makes things so difficult.

At the moment there are 1.6million driving tests each year.
There are perhaps 8million over 75s, of whom 60% have driving licences. So we are going to add another 4.8million tests a year to a system which is currently struggling to cope with 1.6 million?

The driving thing has been a bone of contention for fil. He has been having memory troubles for a while highlighted by mil. Got worse and cries for help from her. After about 2 years since going to the doctors finally got a diagnosis of mixed dementia. Doctor told him to stop driving until he could be assessed. Despite numerous maps and explaining where the assessment centre was he continued to get lost trying to find it before we took the car from him. He would not accept that he had to stop driving so we as a family took the decision to say that until he passed the assessment he was not to drive. We were also told that because of his diagnosis until he was deemed fit his insurance was invalid. The police couldn't care less until he had an accident. We have since moved them both into assisted living and this has highlighted they were not copying at all and have greater needs than we thought. He would not find his way back home if out driving now and I'm convinced he would return to their old home if allowed to drive. We have moved them to a place that has the hospital on one side of the road, doctors and pharmacy on the other, church just across the road. Also a bus stop right outside and got them bus passes. They get their food and prescriptions delivered.

We were worried about their safety and that of others. I still remember that awful case of the elderly man and his wife going the wrong way on the motorway and killing themselves and some other poor soul in the process.