Never enough

[catbasketsmelly]

My DF partner passed away recently. In is in his eighties and not coping mentally. I am an only child so the majority of things fall on me and my DH. my children help but they have their own lives. He expects me to visit every day. I suffer with my mental health and this puts a lot of stress on me. He has never passes his driving test his partner did all the driving he has no friends and refuses to go out unless I take him. Where he lives is fairly isolated and he refuses to consider moving.
I love him very much but feel if fe is taking over my life. I feel guilty if I don't ask him to join us when we go somewhere. I don't know what to do.

This is very tough as he knows he can use guilt to control you, so he will.
Can you start to put some boundaries in place?
I know it's hard when you feel wracked with guilt & your parent knows exactly which buttons to press, but you have to put your own wellbeing first

When your DF's parents were elderly, do you remember him visiting them every day? Your grandparents going on every single outing you went on as a child?

Of course this didn't happen. Your DF is expecting something from you that he would never have dreamed of doing himself.

You have rightly worked out that whatever you do, he will insist it is not enough. This is not remotely reasonable.

Work out what you think is reasonable, do that and stick to it and no more.

Finally has he always been like this or do you think this could be dementia revealing itself now his partner isn't there to rely on?

Visiting every day is not reasonable. If he insists on staying somewhere isolating and won't drive then he will have to get taxis or be lonely.

You need to protect yourself and your family - you can't put out his fire by setting yourself alight (as a wise Mumsnetter once said).

I think this may be dementia we are waiting to see the memory clinic. He always has been controlling this was noticed by his lovely partner before she passed

Can he afford a carer or can he be assessed to get any care hours?
If he had someone coming in each day then you wouldn't be so burdened.
Can he use Zoom on a tablet?
Are there services for elderly people around there? Like a day care centre?

The more you keep turning up, the less hell do himself.
Boundaries as others have said.
Your own family must come first. You have to stay well for them.

He can expect all he likes, his wants do not trump yours or your family's needs.
You are no longer a child to be ordered about, you are an adult, wife and mother.
My mum died 3 months ago and my dad who is 92 is happy with a weekly phone call and 10 min visit from sibling, my husband pops in after work twice a month. We do his shopping online and anything else he needs. He is happy watching TV, reading and has friends. He has a cleaner and gardener. My parents were married 68 years, of course it was a shock for dad but there is no way any of my family would be doing daily visits!
Your dad is only in his 80's sorry if it sounds harsh but if he can't cope then he needs to be looking at old folks home or assisted living accommodation.