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Elderly parents

To ask for suggestions or if I'm being mean

18 replies

Fedupofcommodes · 03/02/2024 20:20

My mother in law came to stay with us about three months ago after several falls in her own home, she was 20 miles away so not just round the corner. We thought she was at end of life as she kept blacking out, needing hospital admission and just generally struggling on her own so we moved her into our house for what we thought would be a few weeks. Since then she is doing great and can walk with her frame but needs food making for her, washing doing and canbgenbe veyvrude. She wouldn't survive at home on her own or in her own accommodation but is not care home material yet either. She is not very sociable and would get really depressed and tearful. Part of me thinks awful thoughts that the only way out of this is when she dies. She complains with about the food we make her, even though its the same microwave meals she had at home. She doesn like our food andnill be damned if we are cooking separate meals. We re totally fed up of the responsibility, having to plan what we do around her, our son is struggling to accept she is here and quite frankly I just wish she would go somewhere else. There is nobody else to help, we have carers but when she says she is being a burden I'd love to be honest and say yes you are. I feel horrible but I am also thoroughly miserable.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 03/02/2024 20:25

Sounds like ideal care home material
Go visit a few

Hatty65 · 03/02/2024 20:31

I think you need to sit down with DH and MIL and say honestly, 'We need to have a conversation about what happens going forward. This situation isn't sustainable for the long term, so we need to discuss whether you will be able to go back home, perhaps with carers coming in, or whether we need to look at residential care. Either way, permanently remaining with us isn't an option, I'm afraid.'

Octavia64 · 03/02/2024 20:35

Time for a tough conversation.

If you are feeling nice you could start it by saying that she doesn't seem to like living with you.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 03/02/2024 20:40

What has happened to her own house?

would she manage with carers visiting, meals delivered & adaptations to her house?

Fedupofcommodes · 03/02/2024 21:08

@Theeyeballsinthesky is as adapted as it can be, she has it up for sale as she had so many falls she can't go back. The respondents to her pendant alarm said they couldn't do it anymore and we were back and forth several times per week. I iwe about 20 hours at work now. She had carers in three times a day before but the trouble was that she always fell in between visits. She has not fallen since being here but I think it's because she is taking her medication and eating properly which the carers couldn't hang around to check she did. I think she feels happy and safe. I just want my life back where I'm having some time with my husband and son without having to work our diaries to make sure that someone is going to be home. We get time out but individually and not together. We get 42 respite nights per year, she hasn't been yet but I'm worried to death she will refuse last minute or go once and refuse to go back. I'm bored of listening to lists of ailments, doling out tablets, clearing shitty commodes and having to be available.

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 03/02/2024 21:14

She is a care home candidate. I don't know why you think she isn't?

She only isn't in a care home right now because you are looking after her but this is an arrangement you don't wish to continue.

Octavia64 · 03/02/2024 21:15

Yep, she's care home material.

At the point she can't stay in her own home because she isn't safe with carers coming in 3 times a day that is care home levels.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 03/02/2024 21:24

Yes agree with others that she hits care home criteria.

im sorry OP, it’s really hard. How is your DH at talking with her?

cestlavielife · 03/02/2024 22:11

Can she self fund?
It s live in care 24 7 which is what you are doing
Or a care home

NewYear24 · 03/02/2024 22:15

She is so care home material, she can’t look after herself.

FannyFifer · 03/02/2024 22:23

If she's mobilising why are you cleaning shitty commodes, can she not go to the toilet?
It's def time to think about nursing or residential care.

TraitorsGate · 03/02/2024 22:45

You are the carehome now, your husband needs to talk to her and say this isn't best for all involved and you will help her look at residential homes.

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/02/2024 10:09

She doesn’t have to be social in a care home. My father stayed in his room and only ventured out to the lounges when everyone else was having meals or going to bed. No falls once he was in the home - as you say, regular meals and medication.

She may prefer to be with you, but there are your needs to think of too. You can’t be expected to lose your mental health and your marriage

MumHereAgain2023 · 04/02/2024 10:12

Oh god how awful, definitely start the care home process.

bfsham · 04/02/2024 12:24

How old is your son OP?

bfsham · 04/02/2024 12:26

I think you may have slept walked into this current situation OP. I hope your husband has your back and doesn't expect you to be the default carer.

SeriouslyAgain · 04/02/2024 15:15

You're not being mean at all. It is absolutely a situation where a care home (or live-in care at home) is warranted.
And it's not only about her and her wishes; it's also about you and your family's needs and wishes.
Being a carer is a grind and it becomes very easy in the exhaustion to lose the actual relationship with the person you're caring for. That's also not great for anyone.
Definitely start a conversation about how this is not sustainable, and start looking into care options.

Mitherations · 04/02/2024 15:22

If she can not live independently then she needs to be cared for, and that's either by you if that's what you want, or in a care home if it's not.

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