I’m a liability and a burden ….

[MereDintofPandiculation]

… so has said my Dad a couple of times recently. I told him he was my dad and my children’s grandfather, and that seemed to satisfy him. But is there more to it? Is he seeking permission to go?

For background, he is bedridden, but says “I’m well fed, I’m warm, I’m comfortable - i’m happy”. He’s just had his 101th birthday. He’s very deaf, so communication is almost impossible - I can’t, for example, subtly probe what he means.

I understand that this is upsetting to you. I've worked with elderly people for 20+ years.
It could be a manner of reasons, but I think he's just saying how he feels. He feels like a burden. Just reassure him he isn't.
It's hard for you, buyt also hard for him.
Just talk to him, about anything and everything.
Sending lots of love and a massive handhold
Xx

I'm sure he just means this is how he feels... all you can do is reassure him with your words and actions.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm sorry, I'd be upset too. Perhaps he is just thinking out loud? My mum says things like this sometimes and I always just tell her I love her. I'm sure when you are very old, you think differently about things - 101 is such a long life. And I'm sure he didn't intend for you to be upset.

He may be trying to kindly tell you he is ready.

Even as a very loved parent and grandparent, at 101 and bed bound, he more than likely does feel ready.

I would just reassure him that he isn't a burden or a liability, that he is loved and cherished. Give him and hug and don't worry about probing for his meaning.

Oh @MereDintofPandiculation that must be hard to hear. All you can do is try and reassure him, and squeeze his hand.
Thinking of you

Wish I could just talk to him! Sentences have to be short and simple, and even then it may take half a dozen goes. Not sure squeezing his hand works either - gave him my hand the other day, he grabbed hold of it, then said "take it away, whatever it is, I don't want it".

OK, consensus is I'm overthinking this.

Don't worry, it's not upsetting me (other than the obvious worry of doing right by him - I keep reading of people needing "permission" to slip away). I've been grieving the father I knew for several years already. I would so much like to have a conversation with him, ask him questions, even if he is living in 1968.

Ah, I feel for you OP. For what it's worth I reassured my DF when he said similar and when he got weaker I just told him he didn't have anything to worry about now, that we would look after everything and he could rest now.. I hope I got it right... 💐

I lost my DF recently and he said similar things after being ill for about 6 years, the last 3 were awful. We just reassured him that we loved him, and that we would always care for him. When an odd tear used to roll down his face (he never cried as an adult), it was heartbreaking - he asked us to help him die, we just had to say "it's not your time yet". He too had a long and happy life. I know he knew that when he died, and the end was pain free and peaceful. Sending you strength. X

I was over with my 93 year old Gran and she came out with that sentence, that she didn’t want to be a burden to my Mum who was going over 5 days a week to help her (and had done so for about 10 yrs).
Gran was living independently with no obvious health issues and it was so out of character for her to say it. I turned away as I filled up straight away, it really upset me.
She did indeed slip into unconsciousness that weekend and passed away the following week at home with Mum by her side.
Almost 30 yrs later, I’m still convinced that she willed it upon herself.
Sorry @MereDintofPandiculation, it must be so upsetting and worrying for you. Based on my experience I would be wondering whether he’s telling you that he’s ready.

Thanks everyone.

It may be that he’s ready. He’s had a lifetime of helping people, and it distresses him enormously that he can’t do that any more

@MereDintofPandiculation , it's been such a long journey for you both, you and your father. And you have been alongside him for all of it.
Maybe you are already doing all that he needs you to do. You are letting him speak, without judgement. You are his safe space.

Thank you @popularinthe80s (You make me sound as if I am doing a better job than I am)

I will bet, @MereDintofPandiculation , that you are doing an excellent job. You're human. Only the supernatural do things perfectly
(Atheist, by the way)

Thanks @popularinthe80s By the way, I also used the "thanks" button at the bottom of the post - does it show up as anything your end?

@CatsMother66 , I knew of a similar thing, the widowed 2nd husband of a GM. He’d always been a very jolly old chap, but the last time my Dm saw him (he was over 90) he told her, ‘I’m tired,’ in a ‘tired’ voice, meaning that he’d just had enough now.

He died not long afterwards, not of anything particular. As far as we could tell, he’d felt more than ready to go.

I doubt he expects or wants anything from you, and am quite sure you are doing all you can to remind him he has contributed massively over his lifetime and that he is loved.

I would guess it’s no more than a statement of fact from a previously healthy, active and high-contributing member of society. His body doesn’t do what he wants it to any more, he is completely dependent, he has little dignity left, he probably knows he’s expensive, his hearing makes him isolated and makes it hard for him to engage with the world. That all must be very hard to bear for someone with full cognitive function. Personally I’m dreading it and hope to go out with a bang in my late 80s.

I’m not convinced about the ‘permission to go’ thing personally - I see far more people with what looks like no quality of life at all clinging on when it seems impossible for them to still be drawing breath.

That all must be very hard to bear for someone with full cognitive function He doesn’t have full cognitive function, far from it, a fact he is completely unaware of.