Mum's health

[mumstuff1984]

Hello. I've been a little worried about my mum (Early 70s) for a while now, and wanted advice.

She has some common health problems (thyroid, arthritis), but has just been diagnosed with something a bit rarer. I don't want to say what it is as I've been told it's rare and I'm worried it's outing. It's not life-threatening but it's uncomfortable and requires lifestyle change to manage. She's been through a few tests related to this issue, some of which have been frightening for her (the actual test - not the fact that she was being tested, as she wanted to find out what it was).

I phoned her the other day to chat about another test that they're doing for her next month to rule out any further complications, and she said something that worried me more than anything else that's she's said: she said, she thought the drs were running tests on her to "be horrible." She implied they were doing it on purpose to torture her (she did not use the word torture, but the meaning was clear). She said she's applying coping mechanisms by telling herself they're doing it to help her, but it's clearly not a "natural" way for her to think? I hope this makes sense.

I don't know if I should do anything or suggest anything. She is 100% resistant to therapy and I've tried to encourage her to go for years. She went two/three times about 20 years ago (for an issue unrelated to this) on the NHS but she quit as she said it was no good.

For the last few months she has been behaving a little oddly, for instance, she phoned me to tell me it was the anniversary of an incident that happened when she was 9 - an accident, that can happen to anyone, and I didn't really understand the significance. She's had rage and crying fits over things in her house that got broken (appliances). She was looking through a photo album with me and asked "who that boy was" - it was a picture of me, when I was about four. (I'm a woman!)

Her mum, my gran, and her aunt, my great-aunt, had sgnificant mental decline towards the end of their lives, accusing other people of harming them. It's for this reason I am worried and don't know what to do.

For further context, I've got a diagnosis of autism, and I am prone to join dots where there are none, and worry excessively. Am I doing that here?

This sounds like it could be a dementia related thing. We are going through similar with my mum at the moment. How is her memory?

Hi, thank you for your reply. I was worried about this. I was under the impression that dementia started with memory loss, of which I don't think she has any - the photo incident aside, which was just..... odd. She recognised me in all other pictures apart from that one. (But she's seen it before lots of times!)

I don't think it's something I can really bring up with her easily - she seems completely traumatised by [recent] tests, and I think this would scare the willies out of her.... 🙁

I'm a similar age and have had some truly awful tests recently. One involved making me feel like I was about to die and lasted several minutes. It was super scary.

These haven't impacted my mental health or capacity in the slightest.

I'd say that dementia is a good call.

@Wetweatherandmud that sounds awful, I'm sorry and I hope you don't have to go through that again.

Thank you. I will bear this in mind and ask my brother. He is slightly estranged from her but closer than our other brother. He's seeing her shortly and I might ask him what he thinks of all this. (I see her the most).

I'm sorry you're going through this. It does sound like dementia. It often doesn't start with memory loss as such, depending on the type, and paranoia can be part of it.

@SeriouslyAgain thank you. That is I think the type of information I was after. I'm afraid I had a rather stereotyped view of dementia, I think. I will have a chat with my brother.

I think this is probably a huge fear for my mum, and I'd feel awful bringing it up with her. She made me POA a few years ago and I'm worried she's going to think I'm saying it on purpose for POA reasons. If I do suggest anything I think I have to tread very carefully - perhaps if my brother could suggest it, rather than it coming from me. If needs be.

It certainly sounds as if there are cognitive changes, which need checking out to determine the cause.

Dementia is actually several different diseases, and the symptoms can be very variable depending on type and which specific parts of the brain are affected. Memory loss is a very common symptom, but often not one of the first ones. For my stepdad it began with a loss of sense of direction, impatience, and reduced ability to multitask. Mood changes and anxiety are very common early symptoms.

If you think she'd be resistant to a direct approach, you could talk to her GP yourself. Patient confidentiality rules mean they won't be able to tell you anything without her permission - but don't prevent them listening to information from you. They can make a note to do mental state and memory checks on her next visit, or call her in for a 'general checkup' as a pretext.

@NoBinturongsHereMate thank you so much. I had no idea. I must look into it more.

That's a good idea about her GP. I will look into doing this - though she says she can't get GP appointments for love nor money at the moment, but at least it could be something that is flagged up.

My partner just thinks she is tired and anxious from not sleeping or eating, which it could be just this. Or it could be it's this "as well." She's always been quite odd (e.g. often starts dancing or singing mid-conversation, like she's bored of talking??) and it's hard to separate it all out.

There's also a possibility - if she has multiple health problems already - that it could be side effects from one of the meds she's on, or a clash of meds.

@NoBinturongsHereMate ah interesting thought. Yes possibly. She's on a few things, but I'm not sure of all the names of them... it's thyroid meds, recently added blood pressure meds (last four weeks or so), and I think she might be on something for osteoporosis, but that may have just been a course(?) I've got no real way to check the specific names of the meds without going to her house and raiding her cupboards, which I cannot really do.....

Hmm. Not particularly likely with those I think. It tends to be more common with drugs for things like depression or Parkinsons. But again, 'meds review' is a good pretext.

@NoBinturongsHereMate Ah, I see. No, she's not on anything like that. Yes, good thought! I'll see if I can ask my dad who her GP is... (if he knows!)

Is she actually taking her meds? A quick snoop might be in order!

I agree with mentioning your concern to her GP. What you're describing does sound like the beginnings of dementia, but there are loads of other possible causes. In older women especially, UTIs can cause 'dementia' - and vaginal atrophy can cause continuous low-grade UTIs. I've just self-prescribed some Ovestin cream for this and associated continence issues.

It's also possible that something like Sertraline could help her; of course that would depend on the other issues and her doctor's input.

@2024GarlicCloves Yes, she definitely is, she talks about her meds routines constantly. She does not cope with life at all and never has, it would have been great to have had her invested in her psychological health, but she refuses (she isn't a believer in being able to change things, if that makes sense, she just believes in a sort of intrinsical "nature" of a person, that shouldn't be meddled with). She's fine taking her "physical" medication, but I cannot imagine she'd ever go for psych meds, though I feel they'd have benefitted her to try at many many stages - I can't even get her to agree to any therapy (see above posts), I imagine if any GP has suggested psych meds she will have refused. She talks about nothing but how awful everything is and how terrible she feels and has done since I was a child, but will never agree to help for it.

I spoke with my brother, he hasn't noticed anything unusual. I wonder if it's just stress and I am overthinking things. I think she treats me very differently to my brothers, that I have observed. I don't think she speaks to them in anywhere near the same way. (They are both considerably older than I am). I will also say she's always been quite odd, bordering on magical thinking a few times over my lifetime that I've remembered - perhaps now she's older she can't/doesn't want to hold it in as much. Her anxiety has always been off the scale, shaking and crying and avoiding anything and everything, having extreme reactions to things like medical stuff and more mundane things like the weather. Thing is I grew up with her like that, so if there's been any "serious"(?) change it's been extremely slow. I will continue to monitor the situation. 😣

I will continue to monitor the situation It is possible for things to be viewed differently in an older person - see the jokes about how, when you pass 60, you no longer fall over, you “have a fall”. And any slight forgetfulness or unusual behaviour in an older person is greeted with “could this be the start of dementia? (See AIBU ) So monitor, document, and think back to whether she showed this behaviour as a younger person.

OP, it does sound as though it might be dementia. There are about 200 different types! Dementia is an umbrella term for a range of illnesses, the most well-known is Alzheimer's (it doesn't sound as if your mum has got that), but your mum's behaviour is odd and needs investigating. It might be that the problem she's had diagnosed recently is related to it.

@MereDintofPandiculation this is a very reasonable way to frame things and I will bear it in mind. Honestly I don't think anything was completely out of bounds for her until the comment that she thought the medical examinations were being done just to be horrible to her [on purpose]. It reminded me of the constant comments about harm that my gran and great-aunt made in the last few years of their life and it struck me. It could certainly be co-incidence, and it could certainly be "leaking" behaviour that has always been there but she has never started to express it outwardly until now. She absolutely has a feeling of being persecuted and that everyone is against her, and that is nothing new.

@HowDoTheyGetThroughLife thank you. I had no idea it presented in so many ways, and will look into it and educate myself as much as I can.

What on earth was this test?! 😱

@penjil My heart had to be put under strain with an infusion and radio active injection. I had the consultant and a nurse holding my hands. It felt like I was dying a horrible death. 😂

Oh jeez.

I would've needed general anaesthetic.

Sound like it should be standard for that procedure!