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Elderly parents

Worried about mum

7 replies

GN637 · 30/01/2024 11:54

Does this sound like dementia or something else? I'm her carer and every couple of months things become difficult and I struggle to cope.

She's often quite mopey and always tired. She says she's not depressed but is on medication for depression.

She's very pessimistic at times and catastrophises. She has IBS and has had investigations to rule out anything else but after an episode of diarrhoea or more abdominal pain she will worry she's got cancer.

She wakes up in cold sweats every now and again and feels sick and unwell even without the cold sweats. It appears to be anxiety more than anything as only first thing in the morning.

Any suggestion of seeing the GP is met with reluctance and she puts it off for weeks saying well what will they do?

She's often cancelling friends and activities due to these episodes of being unwell. What benefits her is getting out and about more and seeing people otherwise she's in on her own and mopes.

Any suggestion of more social things as suggested by the well being people is met with not wanting to do too much. She has two things she does each week but often misses one.

Doing some quick adding up of shopping she couldn't do a simple sum of 16+8 and blurted out 12. Said no that's not right not again blurted out 12. It was like some process had been bypassed in her brain.

Episodes of sitting with her head in her hands acting oddly. I can't describe it other than odd. A bit irritable but nothing I can put my finger on and it quickly passes.

Not able to filter out tasks and gets overwhelmed. Can't prioritise sometimes. Other times is fine and can arrange transport and appointments. Gets flustered.

Difficulty learning new things. Gets annoyed and defensive over things.

Reluctant to help self and résistent to any changes in routine.

Doesn't want to do anything before around 11am because it takes so long to get going although if needs be she can be up and out.

Sleeps fine. Eats fine but too much ultra processed food due to physical disability. Cooks no problems within limitations.

Doesn't seem to dress as nicely. Often odd combinations or wears things that are dirty. If I point it out she hasn't seen the mark which might be explained by cataracts that she has.

Doesn't communicate clearly. Misses out all the pertinent words so I don't know what she's trying to say. Speech is clear but missing words. As though I've joined a conversation part way through and missed the important bits.

She doesn't read things properly. She'll only read part of it and get the wrong end of the stick and be anxious about it. When it's read properly there's nothing to be anxious about. Conversely she's had letters where she did need to do something but hasn't and hasn't told me so I've not done it either.

No safety concerns although she's lax with security at home.

I do most of her banking and shopping and admin. I have LPA for everything.

It's the odd moments and missing words that I'm most concerned about. She's 84 and lovely and it's making me very sad. She worries she's getting dementia so I think she's aware somethings not quite right. We are very close so I have spoken to her about this and suggested we go to the GP. She wasn't keen but will do.

It's really upsetting me seeing her get older and I've got no siblings or anyone to help.

OP posts:
SeriouslyAgain · 30/01/2024 16:25

I'm sorry you're going through this. It does sound like dementia to me. But I'm not a doctor, and just seeing the similarities between what you're saying and what I saw in my mum in the early stages.
Numbers were the first thing to go. Then mixing up words with similar meanings (paper for magazine, or cupboard for drawer). Inability to focus first on books but then on magazine articles, and finally even a letter. Throughout there was a refusal to engage with anyone medical. She also had cataracts and her clothes did start getting dirty.
These are all really common. I'm sorry if it is dementia but it does sound as if your mum is actually doing surprisingly well still getting out and about and seeing people. Try to encourage her to continue that as it is well known to be really good for slowing decline.
What I did eventually was not really give mum the option to say 'no', because that was her default answer to any suggestion I made to try to help her live her best life. So I would just tell her something was happening and take her to whatever it was. Sometimes it worked, sometimes she would still refuse but still...
Best wishes to you. It's really hard and it sounds like you're doing an amazing job as a carer.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 30/01/2024 16:50

I'm sorry you are facing this. Sadly it sounds very similar to my mum - even down to sitting with her head in her hands. Mum lived with me in the granny annex so I was with her all day every day. Mum was (is) physically disabled and had carers twice a day to get her up and put her to bed and I did all her meals so there was no worry about what she ate but so much sounds the same. Especially the stomach trouble.

When mum was stressed her body's standard response was to be sick. And once she was sick she was convinced she was dying. She was in constant pain with arthritis but rarely let it stop her but one episode of sickness and she would cry and wonder if she would ever recover.

Like you I am an only child and was very close to both my parents. I became mum's carer when dad died although for years before that she wouldn't leave the house without me anyway. Mum is now in a care home after a spell in hospital and rehab after a possible stroke and I miss her so much.

Shortly before the fall/stroke/crisis a friend of mine said to me that I needed to get more help because that day, as mum was then, was the best she was going to be and would only be getting worse. Because I saw her all day every day I didn't realise how much she had deteriorated. Once she went into hospital it was clear that she had dementia - she had been like a swan, swimming calmly on the surface while I was the feet paddling like crazy underneath.

GN637 · 30/01/2024 18:42

Thank you both for your replies. I'm sorry you both have experience of similar. Today she has been ok after her being ill this morning and she says it's anxiety which it definitely is even if there's some cognitive decline too. She has said she will see a therapist about the anxiety so that's good but last time she just told them she was ok so it didn't help! We are seeing the GP tomorrow. She needs blood doing as I'm querying her thyroid being out of whack due to other symptoms. She's had IBS for about 25 years so the issues there aren't new but she catastrophises over stuff. Today she noticed bruises and said oh no have I got blood cancer now? She's totally with it 99% of the time so I keep wondering if I'm imagining it but I'm not. Her personal care and hygiene is fine. She showers and does laundry and dresses appropriately. It's just those odd things. Literally.

OP posts:
tobyj · 30/01/2024 22:18

Hi OP, lots of similarities to my mum, except DM is only 77. Some of the physical things are strikingly familiar - bad arthritis and regular bouts of sickness (no history of IBS, and the many tests have revealed nothing). Other things are an exaggeration of traits she already had - catastrophising, anxiety, social withdrawal, a tendency to repeat stories. She has very bad insomnia, which I think is both caused by and causes the anxiety. Confusion over odd things (the other day she totally forgot what a perfectly commonplace object was - it was like she'd forgotten that that thing ever existed). A loss of mental arithmetic ability. Loss of perspective. Irritability. But also memory loss - often loses words mid sentence, can't remember names,, strangely patchy memory of events. Also loss of complex skills (struggles with board games, can't do the crossword, gets very flustered by cooking).

Looking back, I think it's been happening over a few years, so it's hard to notice what's been lost. It's very sad, and although she's still quite capable of living a fairly normal life, I don't think she gets much pleasure out of anything (doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything, just sits at home and frets). She's been diagnosed with mild cognitive decline, but that was that - a diagnosis six months ago and no contact from the doctor since.

GN637 · 31/01/2024 13:41

We are seeing the GP today. I've written it all down and dropped it off this morning for the dr to read beforehand so I don't forget anything😁 I'll feel much happier knowing that the GP is aware. Our surgery is really good so I'm confident they will be helpful.

After a wobbly start to the morning she's been fine and no concerns but then there's times when her behaviour worries me a lot.

Aging is rubbish.

OP posts:
GN637 · 31/01/2024 20:04

The GP was excellent and has done a load of bloods to test B12, thyroid, folate, ferritin, kidney function, liver function, full blood count, inflammatory markers, glucose. Possibly more but I remember those off the top of my head. Review in 2 weeks with the blood results although they will be available by Friday. Back to counselling for the anxiety and something to settle her stomach with the nausea. The GP really listened to all our concerns and said bloods first as it may be something easily fixed. Then consider referral to memory clinic.
I feel much better now about things and feel less alone after posting on this thread x

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 01/02/2024 18:20

So good when you feel listened to by the GP. I hope it is something easily fixed and she starts getting better.

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