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Elderly parents

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Original poster

What to do ? I can't deal with her

22 replies

ceecee32 · 29/01/2024 20:11

Feel awfully guilty but struggling with my 92yo mum.
4 years ago I had blood cancer and a stem cell transplant, its taken me this long to just about start feeling well again but last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer and that I had a tumour on liver. I'm just about processing it.
My mum has poor health but is very mentally aware, was widowed 2 years ago after being married to my stepdad for 40 years.

I have only been going to see her once a week but she had been ringing me up crying for a few weeks saying that she had had enough. She was taken into hospital on Friday and has flu. The hospital have told me not to visit as I am immune suppressed and can't risk catching flu.

I phone her at least 3 times a day, had a perfectly reasonable conversation with her yesterday morning but in the afternoon, nightime and again this morning she is crying again and just keeps saying she is sorry. She said yesterday that her time had come. I just can't face ringing her again today, I feel as if it's too much for my brain to cope with along with everything else.
But I feel.so bloody guilty....

I know there's nothing anyone can do bit just needed to offload.

OP posts:

Snowdropsarecoming · 29/01/2024 20:14

At 92 she maybe ready go although her body may not. Flu is awful, she may feel like she is dying even if she’s not. Have you been able to speak to her nurse to share your concerns?

olderbutwiser · 29/01/2024 20:22

I’m so sorry, what a shit package for you.

Does the hospital have a chaplain or visiting service who can take some of the load?

Original poster

ceecee32 · 29/01/2024 20:30

I've spoken to the nurse but hadn't thought of the chaplain. I'll look into it. Thanks for the suggestion.

OP posts:

gotohellforheavenssake · 29/01/2024 20:35

Don't feel guilty, you have an awful lot on your plate and need to prioritise yourself It's awful dealing with all of a parents emotional outpourings and needs when you are so ill yourself, and it's an unreasonable expectation of you. If she is mentally well then hopefully she can understand that. I'm in a similar position juggling my health, full time stressful work, young child and parents needs, I'm close to burn out and having to just limit my response to negative text messages and conversations. Try to change the topic if the conversation is going downward. Is there anyone else she can speak to? Are there any charities or volunteers who can listen?

Original poster

ceecee32 · 02/02/2024 12:08

They have stopped my mums treatment and she is on palliative care.
I still haven't been to see her as I would really struggle to get there and I really can't risk catching an infection.
I've told her that I love her, that I know that she is tired and that she needs to go to be with my late strpdad.
I hope she doesn't linger long and goes peacefully.
Am I an awful person to not go and sit with her- I don't think I can do it and I would rather remember as she was when she was happy when my stepdad was alive.

OP posts:

TraitorsGate · 02/02/2024 12:14

Sorry to hear about mum and also yourself, you've had a lot going on. Of course you're not an awful person to be with her, she knows you love her, I didn't sit with my mum, she didn't want me to see her at the end, other family went but I would have been on my own. There's no right or wrong in these situations, you will have some wonderful memories of her being happy and you have to be kind to yourself too. Please don't feel guilty, I am sure she wouldn't want that.

RandomMess · 02/02/2024 12:16

You can't go that isn't your fault.

backagainwithcoffee · 02/02/2024 12:35

It's not unreasonable at all. You have to protect your own health. Are there other family members who can be with her?

cheezncrackers · 02/02/2024 12:36

No, you're not an awful person @ceecee32 and I'm so sorry about your diagnosis - even on its own that's a lot to process without your DM dumping her emotional load on you.

You can't go and see her - even if you want to. The risk to you is too great if your DM has flu. Don't feel guilty. It is what it is. But also, we all have only so much emotional bandwidth and it sounds like yours is all full up. And that's okay

Original poster

ceecee32 · 02/02/2024 13:16

My emotional bandwidth is definitely full, and there is no other family.
I know she hasn't gone yet but part of me feels as if I will be releived that I won't have to worry about her.

I know I will be upset but I also know its for the best, she wouldn't have settled in a care home it was her biggest nightmare
Thank you for the support

OP posts:

shellyleppard · 02/02/2024 13:20

Op you arw not a horrible person. You have enough on with your own ill health......you can't be doing everything.. has your mum got a care package in place??? Sending you the biggest virtual hug x

crochetandshit · 02/02/2024 13:28

Oh love! Do you have any RL support?

Lollypop701 · 02/02/2024 13:35

you are a lovely person in an extremely shit situation. You can’t go, your mum could still be here next week, and you know you can’t afford to catch flu. The chaplain can help and you can hopefully relax a little. I hope you have some support around you op, snd wish you well

EmmaGrundyForPM · 02/02/2024 13:39

You are in a dreadful situation and need to prioritise your health.

Does your mum know about your recent diagnosis? If so, then she will understand why you're not visiting.

Please don't feel guilty.

108Anj · 02/02/2024 13:53

You are doing your best, OP. Please don't punish yourself with guilt feelings. Give permission to yourself to look after your own health. Time to surrender the situation to God or the universe or whatever you believe in. I believe that events are already written...the script of life is already written, and we all play our parts. In the face of the enormity of death, all we can do is surrender. Sending you hugs x

thesandwich · 02/02/2024 16:25

Another sending support. You must look after your health. The hospital will understand. Please seek support- Macmillan etc might be helpful.
Thinking of you. 🌺

SageMist · 02/02/2024 16:51

Sometimes death is a relief for all concerned. When my dad died, my mum and I were both relieved. Dad had been ill for a long time and his quality of life was pretty bad, he wanted to go. Mum was his primary carer and exhausted, I couldn't help, because of lock downs and that was difficult it it's own way. When he died we could look back on the good things in his life and appreciate that he was no longer in a bad place.

Crazycrazylady · 02/02/2024 17:22

Sorry this is an awful situation however if she is actively dying I don't think I could let her die alone regardless of my own circumstances .I'm really sorry for you all.

PermanentTemporary · 04/02/2024 21:37

She won't be alone. And she is quite likely to be sedated soon.
I'd just think about all the good memories you can gather. Connect with her in your mind. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. 💐

BenjaminBunnyRabbit · 05/02/2024 20:58

Sorry to hear you are struggling. That's an awful lot to deal with.

Age UK might be able to help with a volunteer popping in to see your Mum. It might help you to know there is someone specifically going in to see her.

BenjaminBunnyRabbit · 05/02/2024 20:59

They might be able to help with a facetime call so you can have a face to face chat with your Mum rather than a telephone call.

WearyElf · 05/02/2024 22:34

Well done for still functioning with all this on your plate. As parents and daughters, why do we feel so much guilt? No helpful advice but have everything crossed that your situation improves 💐.

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