Care home sent her back

[WickerShit]

Mum (78) has Alzheimer's, diagnosed 2018, being cared for at home by my 85 year old step-father. Things have been really awful for a long time.

She is very very bad now crying and distressed a lot of the time, hallucinating, not washing or changing her clothes.

We have been pushing and pushing for them to get help (carers etc) and SF wouldn't have it said Mum would not accept any help from anyone but family. There's a lot more to the history of the last few years as you can imagine.

This month things came to a head with paramedics being called/hospital visits finally people seemed to start to sit up and listen and after a very bumpy ride very emotional and stressful she was found a place in a home which we moved her into. She went in Thurs lunchtime. By 7 pm they had called us and said they couldn't cope and we'd have to take her home. She was verbally and physically aggressive and throwing drinks / food at the walls.

Back home she is now calmer than that but back to crying and moaning and wandering round unable to settle. And still in the same clothes, hadn't washed for weeks,

When they called SF yesterday afternoon and asked how things are he said 'fine' . Someone called us yesterday and said if he continues to say 'fine' the authorities will move on and no more help will be offered.

Me and my step-sister have PoA. Just wondering what the next step is. So sad as I really thought on Thursday we'd finally moved on to the next albeit upsetting phase but no back to the nightmare again.

Hoping you're okay @WickerShit ?

Thank you.

It's been a long few days with a lot of phone calls / meetings ... at the moment it looks like she's going to be sectioned tomorrow and admitted into a secure elderly mental health unit at a local hospital. I'm not sure SD really understands he's still talking about parking and gardens.

Maybe eventually.

Not sure we'll even be able to visit in the short term until she's (hopefully) more stable.

Hopefully she will get the help she needs and feels more settled, she will be safe.

When MIL was admitted to a similar unit, we were advised to leave it a week or two before visiting, which we felt bad about, partly because it was such a relief to know there'd be a break from the non-stop crises that go with having a seriously disturbed dementia patient in the family.
I hope tomorrow goes well for you all. Just hold on to the fact that this is the best way of getting her the long term care she needs,

I'm awake at 4.30 in the morning. I can't believe what's about to happen. Obviously over the last 6 years since her diagnosis I knew that she'd almost certainly end up in care. But this isn't how I visualised it.

The Admiral Nurse I spoke to today is lovely but when I queried the technicalities of the section order she said ‘Your Mum will be banging on the doors desperate to get out’ which was more visualisation than I needed if I’m honest.

SD FaceTimed me but we have no idea how to talk to each other there’s too much pain - neither of us can help the other one. One minute he’s talking brightly about hoping they can get her in somewhere nearby so he can visit (I don’t know if he has any awareness that he may not be able to visit her in the unit at all or certainly for a while, I’m too scared to mention that). Next minute he’s randomly telling me he had to wash her bedding because it was soiled. ‘There was water on it as well, I think she tried to clean it up. She does try to do stuff sometimes, in her own way’ then broke down and ended the call.

I was an only child. My biological father was an alcoholic who wasn’t around much, and when he was home he was arguing and fighting with Mum. We left when I was 5 and for a bit it was just us two until she met and married SD. In my head it was always still just us two though. SD called us ‘two peas in a pod’. I loved her so much and then one day she started to disappear and I was horrified. I’ve been grieving ever since but can’t say goodbye properly because from the outside she’s still here.

She was beautiful and clever and funny and opinionated and passionate about fairness and justice. She referred to herself as ‘Hannah with her Banner’ and got into trouble at work for wearing a red rose Labour badge on her lapel.

She had issues in her own childhood and before she met SD she was treated badly by the men in her life. Things weren’t great when I was very young but she loved me and protected me - she said ‘I love you’ constantly and she was so affectionate my overriding memory is being cuddled and held.

And now I can do nothing to reach her or help her and she’s in a living hell and that’s that.

@DiamondGazette I have never seen anything except from positive outcomes from the use of a low dose of PRN diazepam/lorazepam given at the right time. Obviously when given when agitation peaks is not going to work, but when administered at the appropriate time I have seen it to be very effective. Obviously it would not be given it any increased risk of falls etc

You poor thing. You're doing everything in your power to help her by getting her the right care. Shes so lucky to have you! Your SD seems in denial a bit but it must be hard for him to see his soul mate like this.

@WickerShit your mum sounds like my kind of woman, Hannah with the banner ❤️ Keep advocating for her. She needs to be safe and cared for, and you are doing the best you can for her. Sending you strength.

It’s so hard and you paint such a lovely positive picture of “Hannah with her banner” I do hope she finds peace and acceptance. My mother improved considerably when the right balance of medication was reached.

Obviously I don't know what the secure unit near you is like and my dad wasn't admitted in the end but when this was a possibility I looked into it. Our one is set round an inner courtyard so residents could go out into a garden area. There was a lovely bright glass corridor round this so residents could pace to their hearts content without any risk of them leaving the building. Visits were certainly possible and encouraged after the first couple of weeks. It was just more secure to get in and out. It really isn't that different to a standard care home but had more and higher level medical staff so Dr's were on site and could monitor medication and effect more closely.

Thank you this is reassuring to read.

Hope things work out well, op 💐

She needs an EMI bed

From what I understand this is what we will be looking for and she will be moved from the secure unit once she is more settled.

Sorry I've only read first page.

My mum attacked a nurse in her 'dementia specialist' home. As a result the nursing home gave notice (but didn't put her out on the street!) She was assessed by the Older Adults Mental Health Team, started medication and a social worker identified a place for her in a really specialist unit. Because they understand whats going on with her and have more staff, she has never been aggressive again in the same way, although they have had to work very carefully with her at times.

Start screaming for help. GP, duty social worker. Oh and a big complaint to the CQC about that shitty home. All this stuff gets things moving.

Argh I'm so sorry to posy without reading. I really hope the outcome is as helpful as it has been for my mum. 🌹

It’s awful I know but forget happy and think safe and secure and clean.

OP@WickerShit so eloquently written....could i suggest you write a potted history of your mum ( including her personality, beliefs and any of those difficult events she went through?) is it great for staff to be aware of the 3D person she has been throughout her life ,particularly as in older people (with and without dementia) those difficult life events can come back and might be causing distress. Particularly if those distressing events involved men as she may have male care staff. Sending big hugs, my mum was in a psychiatric hospital for a while and i "lost" her too.

p.s. staff can also use positive life events/ likes/hobbies as a way in to engage with someone. She sounds like she was a very strong, loving woman.

Read the update

Ah ok. There aren't that many EMI beds so can be a wait :)

@WickerShit this isn't a terrible thing that has happened, I promise.
When someone is in an elderly locked ward the staffing ratios are generally very good. The medics will try her on meds under close supervision, and will review every few days. It is in the interest of the ward to get her discharged as there are another 20 people needing her bed. So she will be optimised for discharge, and a suitable placement found. She will no doubt be discharged as FNC, so there'll be less fees to pay, and there'll be a specialist discharge nurse to manage the process.
Being sectioned and admitted averted a crisis, is isn't a crisis.
Honestly I know.you can't see the wood for the trees right now, but this is probably the best outcome xx

Thank you this is very encouraging to read.

And thanks for all your wishes and advice .

Still waiting for it all to start. Been phoning and making myself a nuisance though.

I haven't RTFT but my mum was sectioned due to hitting the Dementia nurse who visited her at home. We were all terrified, imagining her being in some sort of Victorian asylum building and we couldn't have been further from the truth.
The HCA and nurses were so lovely, they took real pride in the care they gave and the centre was relatively modern and had a beautiful secure garden, lots of windows where she could sit and see outside etc.

it was the best thing for her (and my dad) at that point

When we were looking for DF we could choose any that accepted the local authority daily rate payment. That cut out the posh hotel type ones but still left a good amount of choice locally.