How to care for FIL

[EttaTheHun]

FIL is 70, of sound mind but physically disabled by an age related condition. He is living in his own home which has been adapted, and has a zimmer on wheels thing. A wheelchair won't fit in the house. He has falls all the time and keeps hurting himself.

He would be happy to move to a care home but the nearest one which is likely to have space in around four months is 120 miles away, so obviously that would mean we don't see him much. He could live a long time as his disability is not life limiting, so it would be devastating for him to be so far away.

The other option is care at home, but the council can't provide it in this area (overwhelmed by lots of elderly people moving to the area and a lack of housing for workers). So they fund private carers on your behalf, but unfortunately there aren't any with availability.

We can't do it ourselves I don't think. My husband works more than full time, and can be unpredictable hours. I am at home with a toddler and a newborn. FIL needs people to go in maybe four times a day for meals and getting in/out of bed. I can't put toddler and newborn in the car four times a day and drive them over, then leave toddler in the car for twenty minutes while I sort FIL (his house is not safe for toddler). I could manage something short term but this is a long term issue.
My husband has only one sibling, who lives in Australia. There is other family nearby but they all have their own caring issues. FIL can't come to live with us as our house is tiny.

At the moment a few kind friends/neighbours are doing most of the visits and my husband is doing what he can when he's not working. But it isn't possible to rely on neighbours for a longer period of time.

The social worker doesn't have anything else to suggest. She just keeps saying the only option is to find private carers locally, but there are none with availability so we can't.

I just wondered if there's something obvious we're missing?

Has Social Services done a needs assessment and provided him with a care plan or has this discussion come from informal contact? If they haven't done a needs assessment then he needs to request one. If they assess him as needing home carers then it's their responsiblity to provide them. How much he contributes is not relevant.

Age Concern have a lot of factsheets that you might want to read, maybe start with factsheet 41 (how to get care or support)

this 👆🏻

if social services have assessed him as needing care they can’t just say “oooh it’s too hard” and dump it on you.

Well they have. They acknowledge they have to provide care at home (yes, assessment is complete) but apologise because they are physically unable to. They haven't enough workers to cover the local need, and can't recruit new ones because you can't rent housing here so workers can't move to the area. I understand their problem - how can they do it if there are no people? But understanding it does not help our situation.

i do sympathise with local authorities social services depts, I know it sucks for them but it doesn’t mean they can push it on to you

I’d contact age uk or citizens advice and get them to draft something pointing out that they’re not fulfilling their statutory duty. Go to the team manager, director of social care, councillor responsible for adult social care. I used to be an advice worker & had to do this a lot. SW would say tk me that they would push back to family when we they could because they had so many cases to deal with. They knew they were in the wrong but worked on the basis most people wouldn’t complain.

Would you be able to say which local authority he’s in? Some musnetters might have ideas/contacts in the local area

We're in Highland Council area.
Thank you for trying to help!

I wish I had some more concrete practical suggestions but it’s not an area I know

I found this on the highland council website

https://www.highland.gov.uk/info/677/council_and_government_grants/343/supporting_the_voluntary_sector/6

which are links to council for voluntary services in different parts of the highlands. There might be a local charity that could help with some visiting

also try age uk scotland to see if they have any suggestions https://www.ageuk.org.uk/scotland/what-we-do/tackling-loneliness/age-scotland-helpline/

That is a good idea! Why didn't I think of Crossroads?! I knew it was worth asking on here 😊

I really hope you can find some help for your FIL 😊

World he have room for a live in carer? Solves the housing issue? They could have time off as possibly he doesn't need full time care?

There are private care companies who will take him on, there are several in your area, obviously this will cost your fil, also is he getting attendance allowance he will be entitled to the full rate. Connecting carers in your area are very helpful. Unfortunately the carers are not getting paid enough so leaving for more pay. Every area is short of carers. He is entitled to half an hour free care a day I believe. Also you can advertise locally for an independent carer, connecting carers can help you to employ someone.

There is few live in care companies who will live in, unfortunately you will be looking at a £1,000 invoice per week for that.

@Mosaic123 this is also a really good idea 🤔 We might be able to find a lodger with some kind of reduced rent (or reduced pay, however it works out) based on cooking and laundry etc. It's always easy to fill lodger vacancies here because of the housing issue. I guess it's just a case of finding the right person, who has a job which more or less fits in with care.

@Nex thanks, will look into this too.
FIL definitely won't have to pay anything, however much care he gets. It's free for everyone now.

There is a limit. We have to top up our parents care. As we have had to increase care each time they have deteriorated. Live in care may be your best option if you are very rural. There is a local page in highlands for independent carers on fb.

@Nex really? This is totally news to me, and not what social services said at all. I thought Scotgov introduced free home care a few years ago? Is it one of these policies which sounds good but is actually sneaky and doesn't work in practice?

Hi @EttaTheHun also Highland Council and starting to look for care but finding it hard due to the lack of people. We are just starting with 20 min visits per day for meals but parent has early dementia so not really enough as needs supervision, no idea how to manage laundry, housework, washing, food orders etc as I'm in England. No neighbours who can help. More than happy to swap ideas if you want to PM me.

I joined a fb page for private live in/out care jobs Uk but that is an eye opener as to the costs and the admin with employing someone as a carer!

Hi @notmorerain24 sorry you're in this boat too. At least you have got some visits - is that council home care people or have you found your own private carers and the council are reimbursing you? Sounds tricky with dementia. Is a care home an option? If you are near Inverness it's not too bad, but most other places it is just so far to go to get to a home now that residents hardly get any visitors which must be so awful.

It is all free in Scotland regardless of his care needs. I know in Highland there is a shortage of residential and nursing home beds so if he is interested it might be worth getting him on a waiting list. I volunteer in a crossroads shop and crossroads provide an excellent service where I live. Real shortage of carers even if you are awarded sds and employ them yourself, hard to recruit when the waitresses are paid higher and no housing.

@EttaTheHun I don't think parent is quite ready for a care home as they think they manage at home. It's council carers. They are south of Inverness so a bit easier on the care front although still very pushed it seems. I guess you are more rural. Is there any supported housing or anything near you?

Also have you had a look on the Age Scotland website? Their helpline is really good as well and they were really good at trying to explain funding and pointing me in the direction of other resources. TBH I find all that kind of thing really confusing though and I don't think I understand it.

He is on a waiting list for all appropriate homes, but it is likely to be months. I know he'll end up in a care home eventually, but I'm just really sad about that as he'll likely spend ten years there all on his own. With a 240 mile round trip and a young family, it's likely my husband will visit every other weekend or something but he'll hardly ever see his grandkids as both of them get really car sick 😔

Unfortunately there's no supported housing near us either. We will contact crossroads this week and see whether they can help.

@notmorerain24 you are lucky to get council carers! Yes sounds like we are much more rural than you. It's such a shame it's a geographically pretty place as I think we'd have far less social problems if it wasn't!