Moving abroad after Alzheimer's diagnosis

[Stumblingsideways]

Has anyone has any experience of moving abroad after their elderly relative received a dementia diagnosis or had similar care needs?

My work have suggested a relocation opportunity to the States. My DF is 81 and has early stage Alzheimer's, he still lives at home independently. My DSis and BIL live close to him and help him with physical practical things, this isn't currently too taxing. I don't live as close but do all the admin however, deal with his Drs, utilities, insurance and banking. So a currently a good split in responsibilities.

We both have POAs, however my sis hasn't registered her poa with any companies. She is fazed by admin, money management and decisions.

I have always worked in London, have got relatively senior at work but my career would benefit from a move. I don't want to hold back my career when DF could truck on for decade or so.
Has anyone done this?

Sounds like most of what you're doing you will be able to do from US too? Will you have plenty of opportunity/cash to come home often?

I’m sorry about your dad. I haven’t done what you’re suggesting, in fact I did the opposite, but I wasn’t happy about it and it was very hard.
Dementia is awful and unpredictable. Your DF is also quite old anyway, and could have other health problems.
It isn’t your responsibility to care for your dad, but if you leave then your brother will bear the brunt. The worst bit is the middle years when everything starts to unravel - whilst they’re still at home but becoming increasingly confused and less competent. But who knows? You can’t predict the future or put your life on hold.
I would probably go to America - you don’t mention if it’s for a fixed term - but be aware your family may not be happy about it (people have all sorts of expectations of others, even if they’re unreasonable)

How often do you currently see him?

As dementia will only get worse you will miss the best part of your DF now he has been diagnosed, how will you feel if when you come back he has deteriorated

What would your dad tell you to do, pre dementia?
Of course go.
You can't sacrifice opportunities in the prime of your life for someone nearing the end of theirs. There's very little help that can't be bought.
Your DB could move too. Step back a little. If he chooses not to then that's on him.
What were your father's plans for coping as he aged/at diagnosis?

Thanks, no doubt it will be hard to see him less, although I current see him only once a month. He stays with us for a weekend a month. I can't imagine I'll be able to get back more than 2-3 times a year unless it's an emergency.
My sister won't be delighted I know, but I don't doubt she would be sorely tempted to go in the same situation.
6-7 years ago I had the same dilemma as was offered role in Asia but Mum was had Parkinson's and generally not in a good way, so I dismissed the idea, however she died in 2021.

It's so hard to know how the dementia will develop, he's been 2 years diagnosed but very slow decline, he's still independent, no carers, can walk to the shops happily etc. If I went for 2-3 years, it might be he doesn't have much decline then it wouldn't really make so much of a deal I suppose.
Thanks so much for your thoughts above.

Difficult.

i worked abroad earlier in my career and i grabbed the opportunity with both hands. Mum and dad were retired but in good health. Mum hated me being abroad and cried any time anyone asked her how I was getting on. Dad was quietly proud and told me to go and live my life. I had a great time came back to the U.K. with a promotion after the fixed term was up. All good. Their health only declined after I returned.

roll forward, I am now the exhausted daughter trying to manage my mums care at home from a distance of 100 miles, and my brother has taken up work opportunities abroad. I cannot deny that I am resentful of my brother even as we get on ok. His decision to go was not made with any reference to mum or discussion with me, it was presented as a fait accompli. I give up half my weekend to travel to mums and am deep in the weeds of the details of her life and he visits for a couple of days every three months and fixes a leaky tap.

so I can see both sides! I think even the resentful side of me would to go as it is your life to lead, but to discuss with your sister on how you will continue to support her and your dad. And negotiate with your employer on your relocation package for return home flights and leave for family emergencies. I had an extra weeks paid leave and one flight per year for “keep in touch” purposes, as it was classed as a temporary move not permanent.

I Live in NZ and my parents were in UK. My Dad had dementia and went down hill pretty quickly. We moved back to the UK in 2014 and my Dad died in 2016. We then returned to NZ in 2017.

I returned three times a year and usually spent around 5 to 6 weeks each time and it was tough. I did all their admin from here with no issues. I have had POA for years. My Mum died in May last year and the house sale completed in October. My Mum was one week short of 93 when she died and had been in her own home until she fell around 8 weeks before she died.

It was really difficult being so far away, but I have no regrets. I am an only child so it will be easier if you know your sister is on hand to deal with any emergencies which may occur.

You just have to do what is best for you. Flights from US to UK are plentiful and you would always be able to get home pretty quickly if needed.

It's a toss up between guilt and regret. You've given up the opportunity once for your mum, would you pass it up again for possibly the next twenty years? If this is a career move then that's game over isn't it?

I'd be accepting it as a necessity, then telling the family you are going and discussing with your sister what changes might be needed going forward. (Maybe respite care once a month to replace your weekend) Your sister's choices are her own - she could register that PoA if she wanted. Your choices are yours to make. She's probably not going to like it but it's not your job to make her happy.

I'd go.

Have a chat with your sister about what support you are able to offer from a distance. As a pp suggested, planning respite care in lieu of weekends with you is also an option.

My DF first showed signs of dementia when he turned 80. 10 years later, he's been in a nursing home for a year, having spent most of the previous year in hospital while my DM honed her already excellent denial skills. Who knows how much longer this will go on for. Could be another 10 years!

Just go. Live your life.

How is he with technology? My DF was all over technology until dementia started to kick in and he then got so confused and didn't even know how to switch the computer on, whereas previously had spent many hours a day on it. So would you be able to communicate through FaceTime etc?

Honestly, just go. (Well I would anyway). It sounds like a wonderful offer.

I wouldn’t want my adult child to give up such opportunities to sit around and make Dr’s appointments for me and “sort my finances”.

But I would talk to your sister about your decision and dilemma and what help you can offer from afar. This could be ££, eg to pay for a cleaner or other carer. You can also keep up some of your current role. She could post or email/scan letter annd issues to you. You may have to work with your sister more in tandem.

Personally I think if she is an understanding or nice person she will be glad for you. You could (say) come back for a week once every 6 months. It’s not much of a holiday exactly but you can probably sort out a surprising extra stuff then.

I am seeing things practically of course. Are you or were you close to your father? That wouldn’t influence my decision, but it might make it harder for you. I am not an expert on Alzheimer’s by any means but my understanding is that deterioration can be fast (2 years), or it can go on for a decade.

You reference going for 2 -3 years. Is it likely you will come back at the end of 3 years or would you stay?

I think I would say that it depends on how close you are to your father emotionally (from your perspective) and how you would feel about it either way so

• if you don't go, and you miss the opportunity, how big a deal is that to you personally and in terms of your career - will you feel short changed/hard done by for the rest of your life?

-on the other hand, if you do go - would you feel guilty about not seeing him as often. If he has a rapid decline and dies when you don't have an opportunity to get back in time, how would you feel about?

I think I would do a cost benefit analysis, literally sit down with a piece of paper and make a list of the positive and negatives of each choice and then reflect on it over several days.

My father has Alzheimers and the rate of decline depends on lots of things.
One of them is whether they are being treated with delaying drugs - these drugs dont work forever but can really help. Does your father have a geriatric psychiatrist? Is he receiveing medication?

I think if you father is still ok now then you may have another year or so before he will need people with him for caring support. But its hard to say because at that age anything can happen. Hospitalisation for anything (a fall or an infection) is a car crash for people with dementia and they can suddenly have a huge step down unexpectedly caused by being in hospital.

What's the minimum period you can go for to make it worth while for you and the company?