I wouldn’t have missed it for the world

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Lady on the experience of caring for her demented father.

I can only imagine that things are different when a) you are sharing the duties equally with two others b) you are relieved after 18months

I wouldn’t have missed it for the world

Absolutely, @MereDintofPandiculation
It's fascinating what experience does to you
A year ago, I would have read that article and simply thought 'What a kind daughter and what a difficult situation'
Now, I see the privilege.

I wish I could have missed it. I ended up having a breakdown and on antidepressants, sleeping tablets, and blood pressure medication.

We literally did miss most of the worse part of my mil's dementia. Due to covid she went to a home and although really in a bad mental state, when we saw her again after the lock down, she didn't know us at all.

I wish I could have missed the 15 years of my mums dementia. No funny stories there, no sharing special times, just watching her distress and mourning as she died bit by bit - and watching my dad kill himself trying to keep her at home (which he did, till he died) in spite of her challenging behaviour

I wish I could have missed it too. I was on my knees juggling caring for DM with dementia in her own home. f/t career, and family with a DH who works abroad. After 15 years I also was on antidepressants, sleeping tablets and suffered high blood pressure.

I can't even bear to read the article. I can feel my heart rate skyrocket just thinking about the privileged do-gooding tone. Just had to get that off my chest!
Not that I would ever comment in such a way to the actual person involved obviously, but at the moment I'm too tired, and actually too angry (at whom or what I'm not quite sure 😂) to be able to deal with the 'oh it's so wonderful' brigade. If they love it so much, they can step into my shoes for a few more months of joy (!)

OK, to be fair I was wrong: she's not actually that annoying 😂. BUT such a different experience from so many people. I note that she felt 'redeemed' by caring because she had never been one for responsibilities before. I've been 'the responsible one' all my bloody life, and frankly I'm sick of it. Also that this was over 10 years ago, and it only lasted 18 months. + how was she keeping the wolf from the door? No mention of work or being pulled in different directions by different responsibilities.
Anyway, must stop ranting.

@SeriouslyAgain I'm with you I can't even read it. I'm not sure my blood pressure could cope. And yes yes yes to always being the responsible one

Everyone has different experiences. I can't decry her for that. If she had some positive days, good for her.
I say all this through gritted teeth. What with Covid, lockdowns and a dramatic deterioration from a broadly manageable life, the caring journey for the family, FIL excepted, was less than two years. So nothing compared to some of you. But would we have missed it, given the chance? You bet your fucking life we would, and I begrudge every day MIL had to suffer.

If I had my time again, I would definitely have missed it. in fact I would emigrate to the furthest point on the plant disposing of anything that could be used to trace me. Two sets of parents to deal with. Dementia, Parkinson’s, heart and thyroid problems etc etc. Not a sibling to be seen until it came to the reading of the wills, other than to criticise every single thing I did - in person, in writing and in social media, and then to complain about everything my Dh and myself did as executors.

Three years in and still trying to out myself and Dh back together.

My MIL has just passed away with dementia. It lasted, with hindsight, around 20 years. I didn't know that was even possible. She spent the last ten years in a care home and was, frankly, overdue to enter when she did. Horrendous for all involved.

I can’t bring myself to read this article. My mother’s dementia was short-lived, (she died a year after her diagnosis ) it was a terribly painful year.

18 months? Pah.

Dementia has played a role in my life for nearly 10 years now (and mum is still ongoing).

Her experience is but a blink of any eye

Dementia has ground me down and left it's scars, yeah I'd trade given half a chance.

@Nitgel I'm sorry about that. On the one hand, Covid gave a relief, on the other hand, you missed the last half-way lucid moments.

I wonder how the writer's father viewed those 18 months? Would he, sitting on his fluffy white cloud, say "I wouldn't have missed it for the world"?

I’m not begrudging the writer her positive experiences. To be fair she may have underplayed the grimmer moments to which she does allude.
The difference between her experiences and some of ours - resources, family support - make all the difference. And supportive relationships within the family. For many of us caring for a parent is isolating, unremitting, exhausting. Still, it was good to read (just a personal view!) that for some it’s not always like that all of the time.

You're a nicer person than me @greenbeansnspinach

I hope I never do that to my children.

Ha ha you don’t know me 🤣

I do think the title of the piece is awful, and not that respectful towards those of us who are really struggling.

I won’t read it.
A lot of us, more than ever as more women are having children older, the ‘Sandwich Generation’ we have to fucking do a fucking lot so we don’t need to be made to feel shit about not ‘missing it for the world’

So many gaps in that article - who is providing the money to keep everything going? What sort of job enables you to skip off to Cornwall for 18 months? How old was the child and what happened about the disruption to their life/education?

Also, it's years ago when it was easier to find carers.

I'll get the rage if I read that.

She's also looking at it from a distance of at least 10 years if he developed dementia in 2011 and died after less than 3 years.

i know I view things from 11 years ago in a kind of rosy, hazy fog. I wonder what her article would have written in 2013 while in the thick of it.

I just burst into tears

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t want that to happen