Mum’s dementia and dad’s reluctance with so much.

[Picklemeyellow]

I am so frustrated and feel as though I am going round in circles these days.

My mum (80) has Alzheimer’s and lives with my dad (82). I go round to theirs at least 4-5 days a week.

I 100% appreciate what my dad has to go through as he is living with this 24/7 but he is becoming so cantankerous, digs his heels in with any suggests we make on how to help and simply resents spending any money to help my mum (even though they have lots of savings).

Mum gets AA and this covers her carer who comes in for an hour each morning to wash and dress mum (took a year to persuade dad to allow us to get a carer in) and the rest goes towards her weekly day centre trip. Anything else will require funding from her pension and savings.

It took several years to convince him to allow mum to go to a day centre, it’s £60 for 3 hours on a Wednesday afternoon with a hot cooked, two course lunch included. And although mum always moans when it’s time to go there (as she believes every week is the first time), when she gets there she loves it. I usually collect her and she is laughing and smiling when I go in and get her, all the staff are so kind and friendly, the other dementia suffers all have smiles on their faces too. There is always music playing and it has a really joyful atmosphere. Most people go there several times a week.

I would love for mum to go another afternoon, not only for her benefit but for dad’s too as he moans constantly that he has no time to himself but he just will not allow it. He doesn’t feel the place benefits her (I really really does benefit her) but the real truth is that he believes these places should be free as they are old age pensions (forgetting of course they have ££££££’s in the bank 🙄).

When at home, mum just sits on the sofa with a big box of chocolate biscuits and snoozes on/off all day. She ends up depressed and disoriented. She can not occupy herself these day and it’s easier for dad to let her sleep then he can get on with bits in the garden and shed. I just can not get through to him that this is so detrimental to her health (physically, emotionally and mentally).

I feel like banging my head against the wall. This is driving me insane and the most frustrating thing about it all is the fact that most of ’their’ invested money is actually my mum’s inheritance from her parents.

I truly hate to see my mum suffering with this god awful disease but it’s even worse seeing her wasting away on the sofa when there are places she can go which actively help her. I am seriously thinking of getting SS or an Admiral nurse in to try and educate him on the importance of mental stimulation for dementia suffers.

How do you get through to such a pig headed old man? And my dsis is no help, she has just warned me to no push dad as he’ll ‘get the jump’ ffs!

I have tried talking to mums GP about this is in the past but they are no help at all, they just hand over leaflets or websites for local organisations which I’ve already tried.

Dad will not take any advise from anyone male or female, he’s that stubborn.

As I’ve said, it’s literally like banging my head against a wall, it is just so draining.

We do have a 3 monthly catch up with the day centre support worker next week, I spoke to her yesterday and asked if she could try to encourage dad to agree to another day there so fingers crossed.

Sorry, but I also see your Dad's point of view with regard to the day centre. I think you can look at it from the position of them being 80 and having £1,000's in the bank but he might think that approx £380 a month for 2 afternoons out of the house is more than he wants to afford. I wouldn't force the issue - having watched both my parents struggle for different reasons in later life I think you need to keep an eye on them - generally at the moment are they safe day to day, remembering to shop (or getting food delivered), keeping the house clean, keeping themselves clean..all this deteriorated quite fast with my mum and dad. You need a plan for yourself to keep sane and keep yourself well.

PattiDuke I agree they are safe but I can only do as much as I can. I work and have my own family, I just can not spend more than the 4-5 days a week I already do looking out for them. The problem is when I (or my sister who works full time) are not there dad will let mum sleep on the sofa on/off all day or eat crap. Both of these activities are hugely detrimental to her health physical and mental health.

When I say my parents have £££’s I am talking £500K+ invested and that’s not including their house which is worth well over £600k. It would take years and years of mum going to the day centre twice a week to even make a small dent in the capital, they have enough from the investment of this money alone to live on and I believe it should now be used to help them both. Storing it away is helping no one.

And that’s the issue, the plan to keep me well and sane is knowledge that mum is being well cared for and her mind (regardless that’s it’s fading rapidly) is kept occupied. Without this in place then no, I’m far from sane right now lol!

OP I'm not saying it's not money well spent. I am saying that's how an 80 year might think. I would still let this go - its just another afternoon and who's to say that your mum can cope with more than what she is doing at the moment.

The problem is when I (or my sister who works full time) are not there dad will let mum sleep on the sofa on/off all day or eat crap. Both of these activities are hugely detrimental to her health physical and mental health.

OP, you need to drop the rope. These are your parents - not your children.

In all honesty, I have taken a long back seat to where I was 2 years ago but I personally can not just sit back and let my own mother deteriorate in front of my eyes knowing there are places she can go which will help her well-being. It just does not sit well with my conscience.

I will wait to hear back from SS and hope they can help persuade my dad to see sense. If not I will seriously need to look into overriding his decision using my POA, which I’d hoped wouldn’t reach that stage but if needs must!

Do you have a local Admiral nurse? It might be worth calling them to see if they have any advice or could put forward your suggestion of an extra session to your DF.could he/she "prescribe" an extra session for your DM?

Would thinking about losing money in inheritance tax when the time comes help motivate him to spend it now?

Thanks for that, I’ve just made an appointment with them in a couple of weeks.

Seeingadistance Sadly, not. He’s already said many times that he doesn’t give a toss what happens to their money once they’ve passed away. He’s not bothered if any is left or otherwise, he’s literally saving it all for care home fees.

I used the argument with my father that IHT effectively meant that he had a 40% discount. (ie if he decided not to pay £100 for something, the Chancellor would take £40 in IHT, so by spending the £100 it was only costing him £60. And, more persuasively,it was costing the Chancellor £40)

But my dad did care about his money - his main aim was to pass it on to children and grandchildren

MereDintofPandiculation My father has already told us that he does not care what happens to the money once he and my mum have passed. He’s not bothered if anything is left or not.

Yes, I realised, hence my edit. But other people are reading this thread, so I didn’t delete my comment in case it was useful to someone else.

I wasn’t getting at you, just explaining dad has already told us he’s not bothered about leaving any money, as in he’s already told us this during past conversations with us.