Spiralling into panic tonight

[JohnLapsleyParlabane]

I'm an only child, my widowed dad is in his mid-70s, with lots of health issues and suffers from chronic pain relating to an industrial injury 25 years ago. He's been on his own since mum died suddenly in 2022 and lives very rurally 600miles away from me on a Scottish island.

He pretty much lives in Facebook messenger, we're in contact at least 3x per day every day (medication reminders and general chat) he's very isolated in real life.

I haven't heard from him in over 24h. He's not read anything I've sent him today, not answering his landline or mobile (not that unusual). And he's an occasional binge drinker. He was with us until Wednesday so didn't drink at Hogmanay.

Probably he's just crawled inside a bottle, but I may have to ask the police or someone to go and check on him tomorrow.

If he's just drunk, asking the local cops to go over would result in a major argument. If he's ill or worse, asking a neighbour to go could be really upsetting for them.
I'm probably panicking unnecessarily. But I'm really struggling not to get in the car and start driving North.

I'm sorry OP, I hope you hear from him soon. Parents are such a worry at times, weird how things go full circle! No advice other than have someone check to put minds at ease, but thinking of you all the same 💖

If by tmro he doesn't reply then ask his neighbour to check on him. Hopefully he is ok 🙏

Am so sorry to read this.

Stranger observations : you are 600 miles away, the police are local. Use them please. It's what's they are for. And in a small community such as you describe this will not be unusual to them.
Please don't drive for (I'm guessing) 10 hours when someone local can help.

Bless you for caring.

Agree with @Lysianthus

Defo get the police to do a welfare check. If he has fallen he may need help but if you leave it til tomorrow it may be too late. Sorry to sound harsh but that's the reality x

Definitely welfare check - you must be panicking, especially at his age and in those circumstances. I'd ask a neighbour first - can they use a 'cup of sugar' excuse or similar, given they're so remote? Deliver a late New Year's gift? Please don't leave it any longer in case he has fallen. Hope he's ok.

Oh bless you folks for replying! I just thought if I wrote it out it would clear my head a bit.
This is going to sound awful, but if he has fallen/taken ill, he won't thank me for getting him help 'in time'. He lives his life for the moments when he forgets mum died and just thinks she's out at the shops. For all he loves me and DH and our children, he's very open that he's waiting to die and isn't interested in taking care of himself beyond the bare minimum.

DH did the maths on me driving up, I'd be quicker flying tomorrow than driving through the night because of the ferry times.
Best friend is going to send her son in law over in the morning to 'ask if the long grass wants cutting when the weather improves'.

Maybe knock on the door and ask if he's got a petrol can as they've run out, or seen a lost cat? I'm sure a neighbour could think up an excuse to knock on the door and ask for help at this hour. Otherwise, the police but maybe ask them just to check for post on the floor / milk delivery first, then proceed if they're worried?

Sounds like a good plan - is there anyone who could drive past and see whether lights are still on?

I've been thinking about lights etc but he lives down a gravel road in a tiny hamlet with even nearest neighbours a drive away (and they're all old too and a 2am phone call would be so unkind).

I have spoken to my Auntie who only lives 200 miles away from him and she agrees that he's probably on a bender.

Look, don't feel guilty, you can't do right for doing wrong here. I bet he'll reply to you tomorrow but if not then your friends son popping round to see if he wants the grass doing sounds like a good one x

He does have to take some responsibility for himself! I'd he can get booze he is not that un-able bodied!

It's a bender. Thanks for listening.
No doubt I'll be back on this board again when the next drama ensues.

I'm glad that's all it was, although I know that's bad enough.

When he's drinking, would he just be staying in his house on his own doing it?

Yes, the nearest pub is 12 miles away. When he drinks it's several bottles of spirits and minimal food in 24-48h. He tends to not take his meds which is probably sensible but then as he's sobering gets less sensible. For example double dosing. His ability to drive is then impaired by meds and hangover. As is his judgement. So then I have a couple of days freaking out that he'll have a crash and hurt someone else.

Sigh. Usually I can remind myself that I'm neither his mother nor his wife so I don't have to take on responsibility for his behaviour. But that's quite hard sometimes.

Can you install a camera in his living room that you can view so that you can see he is ok or would he object to this?

I would love to put something like that in his house. Even just an Alexa to take over the medication reminders. But he is an adult with capacity and I have had to accept his refusal. Mostly I have come to accept that. But every now and again we have a situation that throws me off balance.

This happened to us, except 200 miles away. I asked an old friend who lived about 20 miles away to drive over and check as they were much closer. Parent was absolutely furious I'd done this and 'put them out' but it was an opportunity to have a conversation about taking responsibility for themselves. They eventually moved into a city with friends nearby rather than being very rural.
I think it was actually a turning point in me standing up to her!