Mum refusing to do anything with sick dad

[Diorama1]

My dad is 76 and had cancer two years ago. Unfortunately it looks like his cancer is back (waiting on results of scans). My parents live together but my mum pretty much hates my dad. They didnt have the best marriage and she blames him for everything bad in her life. My mum is never happy, she is one of life's negative people, she cant be grateful for what she has, she always laments the life she thinks she should have.
Things have gotten way worse since dad got sick. She constantly says she doubts he even had cancer despite having surgery and 40 sessions of radiotherapy. She refused to bring him to any medical appointments and left it all up to myself and sis. She treats dad like dirt, she doesnt speak to him unless its to order him about or complain about him.
By way of example, he has COPD and very bad breathing and isnt supposed to exert himself. She ordered him to bring in logs from the shed, he did it but had to take it slowly, she rang him after a few mins complaining about how long he was taking.
Since we found out that the cancer is likely back, things have escalated again. She is jealous he is sick and getting attention from us, it drives her insane.
This morning he had a dr appt and she refused to bring him (he could drive but isnt great as speaking to the dr so needs someone with him).
I had to take 2 hours off work to bring him. I had to pay £20 for the appt (he has no money as she controls the finances) and £10 for medicine. The dr is 5 mins drive from their house but 20 from mine.
It turns out he has a chest infection and has a very blocked ear which is causing his dizziness. My sis told mam that he has an infection, she then claimed she has one too but she will soldier on and not make a fuss about it.
He needs to use ear drops 3 times a day, he cant manage himself and mum wont do it so sis has to drive over to them now 3 times a day for the next 5 days to do it.
I have had enough of her, WIBU to tell her she is being a heartless b*itch and I will never forgive her for what she is putting dad through?
I know dad isnt the best but she is dead set on making the last of his life unbearable. I have asked him to move in with me but he wont hear of it.
WTF is wrong with some people. Things are hard enough as it is without all this unnecessary stress. I feel completely worn out with it.
I know when he dies she will wail and say she was so wrong not to treat him better and that she realises now that she loved him.
Sorry total rant :(

Your dad deserves better. My parents have a love/hate relationship but if this was going on I'd either pack my dad's things and force him to move in with me or pack my mum's things and tell her to go. His time may well be limited, it would be awful to live like that in his final days. He probably doesn't want to be a burden which is why he said he wouldn't move in with you so I'd take the choice from him and just do it. What about staying with you at least part of the week? That would also give your mum space, she may be resentful of the amount of care he needs. A break might do her good and improve the whole mood.

She’s abusing a sick old man. I’d say that this was a safeguarding concern.

Tell his gp and the cancer nurse, refusing to help is unkind and abuse. I would get him to stay with you for z couple of days for a rest. Does anyone have poa for him, at his age he shouldn't have to pay for prescription

The medics will have heard similar before and may be able to arrange home care for him. We had not dissimilar problems with DF and DM.

Hang on she is controlling the finances, putting medically in danger etc this is a very abusive marriage and the GP, hospital and police all need to be aware. Exactly as you said on your post. He also needs to make a will - he could also start divorce proceedings if he wanted. Either way I would remove him to live with me. Or at least get SS involved to look at sheltered accommodation or whatever his needs are.

Make a report to Age Concern or social services or your dad’s GP, tell them you suspect elder abuse including financial abuse.

Does he not qualify for a medical card and €1 prescriptions due to his age? I'm assuming you're in Ireland and not the UK, as his prescriptions would be free here.

Which country are you in? I notice you said you had to pay for a GP appt. It’s relevant because it affects what help may be available.

Can you get your dad to stay with you for a few days (to help with administering ear drops) then just keep eking it out until he's staying there permanently. I'd report DM to police/social care.

are you in the UK? Thinking if you are paying for GP/meds then maybe not, and your processes might be different.

Why on earth are they still together?

The way you write it, it sounds awful op. And your dm sounds hideous.

Unless there is provable physical or psychological abuse though, I would urge staying out of your parents marriage.

I’ve known a situation in extended family where the wife was very bitter and resentful and everyone called her nasty … and her dh was “the saint” and then we found out what had really happened after her death. And your df has stayed all of this time.

Who knows what is the case in your situation but honestly op, telling your dm what for is unlikely to make a difference. I’m sorry for your situation though.

^This.

This is abuse and a safeguarding concern. Please don't just stand by and watch this happen.

Can you contact adult social services or his GP to inform them about new vulnerability.

It could be elder abuse or it could just look that way.
I control all finance or we would not have anything.
Dh would be fleeced by scammers in a day! I do not leave him with any cards or bank details!
She may resent the life she has against what she hoped their retirement would look like. How old is she?
Maybe she feels he would be 'better' if he actively did things around the house instead of sitting in a chair all day. Looking after a disabled, older person is soul destroying.

Or she could be a vindictive, nasty, woman. We on MN do not know.

I used to work in care, and sadly saw this a few times. We always contacted the local SS adult helpdesk and reported possible abuse.

Your Dad deserves better for the end of his life. I would get a social worker involved via your local helpdesk and they may be able to find him a place in a home where he's safe and has access to his money.

Thanks for the messages. We live in Ireland so he has to pay 1 euro on each item in prescription but his ear drops were not covered under the medical card so it was a total of 10 euros plus 20 euros for bloods.
My mam is very resentful and there is definitely a history in their marriage. Dad wasn't always the best (typical husband of times, left childcare and housework to her) and he is definitely to blame for some of the issues. Mam cant take any responsibility for their problems, she blames him entirely. I think she is getting a kick out of being able to abuse him now that he is more vulnerable.
Dad can be a pain, he has a tendency to exaggerate his illness and look for sympathy but he likely has little time left so I think allowances should be made for him. I just wish she would stop tormenting him and let him live his final time in peace.

I hate going to visit because the atmosphere is so bad, I always leave feeling sick and emotional. I cant imagine what it is like to live there.

What practically can ss do if I did report it, I mean he wont leave his home? I have offered him a room in my house and he wont leave. Divorce is out of the question, neither of them would do it, we discussed it in the past.
He doesnt have care needs that would warrant a carer, its just small stuff like putting in ear drops, cutting his hair. My sis is excellent, she manages all his medication and does a few chores for him and between us both we do all his appointments.

Remember he is living an active choice he has made for many years.

I had to remember that while I can’t stand her, DF had chosen to spend 55 years making DM happy and wasn’t going to like it if we upset her now!