Travelling long distance to 'sit' parent

[Copen]

I want to get opinions on this as I don't know if I'm being awful or not.

DPs live 7 hours from me. They are 80 and 87. They moved there to be close to a sibling and children.

DF is forgetful, and housebound. Housebound in that he moves around house OK but isn't confident outside (though won't use any mobility aid). Forgetful in leaving taps, cooker on occasionally.

DM is going on holiday for 10 days. She goes away fairly frequently so this is a recurring issue. My sibling lives 45 minute drive from them.

DPs have asked me to go down there and 'sit' DF for 4 of the days. My sibling would pop in now and again on other days and get shopping.

All in all, over the 10 days I would have to do 2 x 4 hours to help DM at airport (near me) and the 2 x 7 hour journey to DF. I'd have to take 2 days annual leave. They would pay travel costs. I'm fine with doing the airport helping.

I can work remotely, no children, but do have a needy pet I have to get a sitter for.

DF has a friend who could potentially stay over the bulk of the period (he wants to, don't know if he is free on those dates). My DF is digging his heels in though and saying he wants me to do it, he wants to see me, he gets lonely. I'm finding it infuriating - I expect to do this journey a lot in coming years when they inevitably get ill. This is not an emergency though, it is just a 'want'. When I do this journey I want to see both my parents, not just one.

Current situation is I have outlined on email the amount of time involved, and asked them to ask the friend. They haven't replied and I think are taking the route of 'well she will just have to do it'. I don't know whether to just say I'm not doing it and leave them to sort out an alternative - with sibling, the friend or a paid carer.

Surely this is what respite care is for?

Also, draw up some boundaries now, as if you start giving them the expectation you can do this, including working from there, you'll get roped in more and more.

Agree that you need some boundaries here. You have work and a pet that you can't just ditch. Either dm doesn't go or they make other arrangements - especially as they chose to move away from you.

As one off event, many people (not on this board) would say it would be a kind thing to do for your parents, and guilt you into it.

In terms of the bigger picture though, you are right to consider if this is setting a precedent and whether before you know it they’ll be expecting you to “pop” down every weekend. So you are not being awful saying no to this.

You don’t say what the dynamics are with your sibling. Eg whether they were happy for your parents to move closer to them, whether they anticipate doing more day to day support and are ok with that, what kind of support they expect you to do. If your parents were the ones that moved not you then it’s not reasonable to expect you to share all support 50:50. But it wouldn’t be fair for all support to fall to the closer sibling either. Longer term it sounds like you need to have a conversation with your sibling about expectations going forward, and start investigating paid carer options. Have your parents organised lasting power of attorney?

Thanks for the replies. I have PoA, I'm not close to my sibling. They were happy for my DPs to move down there but didn't mind either way, it was driven by my DPs .

My parents will need to (and are able to) pay for care as the years go on, though I'm being open minded as to whether I will move to their location in years to come. I can't now (and don't want to).

My DM rang me earlier about something else, and I said she hadn't replied to my email about how many hours I would be spending doing what they want. She said 'I've nothing to say about it' and eventually said they were no longer expecting me to go this time and would make other arrangements. Lack of communication has always been a big issue in our family!

So no long term resolution, but off the hook for this particular trip.

Glad you’re off the hook - ideally it could trigger a conversation with your parents about their long term plans. It seems though from reading here that it’s actually very rare and most elderly parents are determined to muddle through until they can’t, a crisis happens and family pick up the pieces. Hope you can buck the trend.

Moving 'close' to children and still being 45 mins away is recognisable...

I'm glad they're coming up with alternatives now. But I do wonder if they originally asked your sibling who said no. Which isn't unreasonable from either of you - a 10 day stay of effectively 24 hour care is a huge ask. I just hope the 'other arrangements' doesn't mean just cancelling the holiday, for your mum's sake.

Not great that you either do it the way they want, or they don't talk to you about it. Was there a reason yiu emailed them rather than talk on the phone?

DM won't cancel, at worst my sibling will call in every other day, they won't stay there.

I emailed rather than called so I could put the facts in one place that they would both read and think about, and I could make sure I'd made all the relevant points. Just speaking about things usually means it's just ignored or 'forgotten' about.

It would be a no from me. It’s a massive ask and not an emergency

I think it’s very helpful you are perceiving the difference between wants and needs. That will stand you in good stead