Clearing a parents house

[Ceebeegee]

Hello everyone, just looking for some advice because I'm struggling with the situation currently.
My elderly dad is now in a care home. He has a rental property that we have now have to give up and return. I haven't given notice yet (on my dads behalf as POA) and the rent is still being paid, so there is no sense of real urgency so I keep putting it off.
He has lived here 52 years so there is years and years of "stuff" to deal with.
Where do you start?
It was my childhood home and, due to emotional situation anyway, I am struggling to rationally do any clearing of the house because everything suddenly seems sentimental.
How do you break through the barrier of sentimentality? I dont have room to store a 3-bed house worth of stuff, but I feel like I am being horrible if I get rid of anything.

The remaining clothes, linens and bedsheets, I can easily donate to charity or a clothing bin., But I struggle when it comes to books / artwork / trinkets / CD's / hobby collections of my fathers. He had a few collectible hobbies, that he has aquired over his 82 years - I think a lot are worthless to anyone else but they were my dads quirky hobbies so it feels disrespectful taking them to the dump/recycling centre.
I dont know where to start. I keep walking into a room thinking I'll tackle this room first, but I dont make any progress because I cant bear to part with any of it. But my dad isn't coming home so it needs to go.
Where do I start and how to get over the sentimental block?

We went through every room of MIL's house methodically, identifying items that people wanted to keep and items that had useful life and could go to charity. We then paid a house clearance company £500 to clear everything else, including the garage and the shed.

I did pretty much the same with my DM's HA flat. Items to keep, items of use to the new tenant, who had nothing of his own, the rest was cleared.

It's hard, but it has to be done.

Try to start off with things that are not naturally sentimental - kitchen equipment, bath towels and bedsheets, appliances, etc.

When you find yourself drawn into keeping everything, a simple trick is to pick up an item and really look at it, hold it in your hands, ask yourself "why is this sentimental?" A book - is it simply that your dad held it in his hands? Did he enjoy reading it? Will you? A CD - will you enjoy listening to this? If it was lost for good how will you feel? Try to think about what is really sentimental to you versus trying to cling on to something simply because it is your dad's.

It's a really difficult task, clearing out a parent's home. It feels like you are throwing them away. But you're not, a lot of the items to sort through is just "stuff", it's not them the person, it's not their personality or their soul, it's just stuff.

The best thing my DM ever did was constantly declutter and throw stuff away. She was killed in a car accident at 69 and this made emptying her house so much easier. She'd practically done the job for us. We each kept any sentimental items, the rest went to family members or the charity shop and I sold a bit on eBay.
PIL house will take us forever when they've gone. I think it really will be down to a brave face and a big skip. Things they've hoarded that they assume we would want we don't.
I hope I can avoid this as much as possible for my DC and we regularly have clear outs already.
Be careful of putting things into storage. The longer you keep stuff the harder it is to throw away.

I think it's much harder while they are still around. I didn't have to sell my parent's place until after they had both died.
I hired a skip - some things obviously belong in there. I advertised a lot of stuff on free cycle & marketplace. There won't do many scammers around them but will still had to deal with a load of annoying people! Many didn't turn up etc. however, not a single bed or piece of furniture went in the skip.
I upcycled a few bits of furniture. Books - a few a got small amounts from We Buy
Books & most of the rest went to an Oxfam bookshop (my dad had a lot of books!).
Clothes - charity shops
I kept some bits & bobs (perhaps 4 big plastic tubs) & need to go through them again. It's easier as time passes.
Photos - I really didn't need photos of places they had been on holiday so I threw most of them out. I kept some photos of them from each part of their lives.
I will take photos of things that I get rid of.

Did this recently for my Mam, although she's no longer with us so may be under slightly different circumstances.

First thing I did was I had someone to help. It's difficult doing it on your own and I found my sister and partner to be less sentimental than me. Sometimes I'd put something to one side and they'd ask why I wanted to keep it and it was like a sense check.

Another thing I found was that I would pass through a room more than once. First time it would be obvious what would stay and go, anything staying would be sorted and bagged or boxed. I was finding stuff my Mam had kept for 30+ years and seeing it was a bit of a shock to the system. Some stuff, once I went back through again, I didn't feel so strongly about keeping. It would have been very difficult to do one room completely then move on.

My dining room was full of boxes and my spare room full of bags of clothing once we had given up her flat and I sorted through it all again. Once more, with more time and seeing things again I was able to part with more things.

Books, CDs etc I went through with my siblings and we kept what we wanted, the rest went to the charity shop. She was into jewellery making and amassed quite a large collection of beads and little charms that she hadn't really kept organised. A family member was happy to take that and put it to use.

I think it helps giving things up to good use if you can find a charity you want to help. We took some rugs and Christmas decorations to a women's refuge charity and I felt better that they were going to a use my Mam would approve of.

Personal items, by going through them again I whittled down to two storage boxes to keep. Over time I think I'd be able to reduce further, the world wouldn't be a different place without things in a box I never look at, but I'm not ready to part with it yet.

Good luck OP, it is wearing but just chip away at it.

I've had to do this for 3 different relatives. I'm sentimental and wanted to keep a lot - but have a small house. By the second house I just invited beneficiaries to come round and take home what they wanted then got a house clearance company in. I did find homes at the local bowls, fishing club and Guides for most of their hobby items (anyone want 90 knitting needles 🤣) so I know they were appreciated.

Clear the bathroom, kitchen and any other "less memories" spaces completely

Then do clothes and linens, books and electricals plus any big furniture - beds, sofas, dining suite etc

Clear any outdoor stuff - gardening equipment etc.

Then sit on it for a while. You'll have a sense of achievement and a sense of what's next

We hired a house clearance company. It was a few years ago now so I can’t remember the exact details or cost, but two men in a huge lorry came and literally removed the entire contents of the house, including the carpets. We kept very little.
I can’t even remember what they would have done with it, but it was generally in very poor condition.

It’s very hard, but strangely, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. It’s just something that needs to be done.

Ask a friend. I had to do similar for my mum a few months back. My brother helped a bit but mainly I just stayed down and blitzed it with friend over a few weeks. Friend made me be realistic about the sentimental stuff. More got dumped than would have liked because lots of places don’t want old crockery unless it’s compete sets for example. Few boxes of stuff stored in my brother’s garage. I’ve got a few bits to try and sell plus probably kept more stuff for me than I need.
The suggestion of finding someone who collects same as your dad is a good one. Keep a few bits that he or you can display and just donate the rest to a younger enthusiast.
It’s surprisingly hard work but great sense of relief when it’s done. Good luck

House clearance company. They will keep to one side anything you ask them to (eg paperwork and photographs), should have the knowledge to judge whether art etc is likely to be valuable and can sell it for you, will take anything saleable to charity shops and anything else to the tip. You can ask them to leave anything you'd like to sort yourself.

It's a massive job especially when you're emotionally involved, and takes a lot of time.

You usually pay them for this, but any profit from it comes to you, minus their costs.

I take the view that if the parent had wanted their stuff kept, looked after etc they should have decluttered and got on top of things years ago rather than expecting someone else to do it.

Unless you're extremely local to the house I'd be wary of the amount of effort involved in Freecycling or FB Matketplace stuff. Particularly bigger items. Loads of conversations that lead to stuff not going, people not turning up when they say they will, people turning up without the means to get larger item home etc.

Ring any charity shops in advance - ours close to donations frequently so you can just turn up with a car full and get turned away which isn't helpful if it's your only day available!

I had to do this for my widowed dad when he moved to a care home. I packed up the sentimental stuff, and stored it in my loft. That way, he saw me packing it all carefully to keep, and was happy it wasn't being dumped. After he died, I was able to move it on, because he wasn't here to be upset.

Get a friend to help... they'll be able to see things more clearly and objectively than you. Maybe allow yourself a certain number of items to keep then stick to it. Take photos of things you are getting rid of then that way you won't forget them but don't have to actually keep them...I do this with my DC's art work!

Myself and my brothers went room by room through Mums house, and packed up photos, the odd ornament, a bit of silver, a tea set, one or two prints.

TBH the rest was just stuff, so we got a clearance company in. I picked a good local one, they sorted what they want, what they can sell, and what they can give to charity. They were aligned with the local hospice. They recycle as much as possible. They were so honest, they even gave me some coins they found in a tin!

Made it so much easier. Good luck. It is very emotional.

P.s. They cleared the house for free!

This thread is so useful, I’m about to start this job as my mum has gone into a care home . We have an incredibly cluttered bungalow to clear and I live 70 miles away .

Keep what will be useful to you in the months after you take it home.

Keep what makes you smile

Get rid of the rest, especially anything that makes you sad, even for an instant as you look at it.

On the clearing side : triage

• utter junk
• maybe junk
• stuff

I had to empty what was my childhood home ( due to death of last parent )
Don't put anything in paid storage as you can't keep that going forever .
As much as it feels wrong ( about his hobbies ) remember they are his hobbies not yours and he's had his enjoyment from them and if he is now unable to carry that hobby on - you need to let those items go .
It's perfectly ok to save a few things that remind you of your parents home / your childhood but let that be it , just a few things .
Old LPs could be sold or given to charity . Furniture is mainly not worth selling even the old dark furniture ( unless heirlooms )
I emptied a 3 bed in about 3/4 weeks mostly by myself .
Tbh what I found the most sad was saying goodbye to the house and all the memories within but reality is you carry those memories in you.

The hardest thing for me when we cleared my Mums bungalow was watching her bedroom suite, a 'mans' wardrobe a 'ladies' wardrobe ( I kid you not, it was a thing back in the day) a huge dressing table complete with mirror, and a bedhead, being loaded into the back of a charity van.
My parents bought this when my Dad came home from fighting in WWII, it was my Mums pride and joy and survived at least 6 house moves. The wardrobes still had the original keys in the locks!

Yes, my parents had that too. The man’s wardrobe is a beautiful thing, with a sliding out hanging rack for trousers, lots of mahogany drawers for socks, pants, etc.

We cleared my DGMs house when she went into care and because we could only do one day a week it took us most of the year. It was a very big house full of stuff.

All the food was distributed amongst the family. Her cupboards full of laundry detergent, hand wash and body wash friends had, we had a skip for the sheds, my DS and his friends had the alcohol and we gave alot to charity. I kept some fabulous bed linen and Christmas ornaments and we dug up some bulbs. We also kept photographs. We had a house clearance firm to get rid of the big stuff.

I know you geek bad about getting rid of it but it's just stuff. I've already told my DS to keep the photographs and my decent jewellery the rest can go.

My Dad's place was rented.
I had to clear it FAST as the landlords wanted it back.

Thank you everyone , honestly the advice and tips here has been super helpful.

I've got a house clearance company booked for a quote later this week .

I've started the non emotional things like suggested, I've cleared the towels / bedding / curtains etc and taken them to either charity shop or a rag bin depending on quality. The kitchen has also been cleared , apart from the mugs and plates etc which I'll leave for house clearance.

I started in the garage today and felt like I made Good progress, filled up two bins with rubbish and the recycling bin.

The photo albums and hobby things were making it hard , so I've boxed them up for storage .

Still got a way to go , but I feel like I have a plan of action now.

I'm in the same situation OP and it's so hard. Dm is widowed and going into a care home. Have 2 weeks left before house is sold (our old family home), and still so much left to clear.

Wishing we'd used a house clearance company now - I was scared they'd just come and tip everything, but sounds like that's nit true. It's taken so long sorting everything, we still need storage as a large amount of my mum's stuff not ready to let go of yet. Charity shops are rightly quite picky, and even giving stuff away on fb is time consuming. I feel emotionally drained by the process - itd like throwing my parents lives away.

It's the flip side to having had lovely parents, a very happy childhood that I miss, and them having a large house with lots of lovely things in it. And I try to remember that and be grateful.

Reading some of these posts I was starting to think I must be really hard! I cleared out my late DM's flat when she moved into care - by myself, and with no car, it took me months. Also my late DF's studio apartment a year ago. However I am not really sentimental, which no doubt makes it easier. I just got stuck in and did it, and funnily enough I sort of missed going to Mum's flat every day after work and during the weekend - it gave me a sense of purpose. It also taught me not to hang onto things you no longer want/need, especially as I don't have family to clear out my place when I no longer live here.

And yes, I did get a skip - best idea ever!