Elderly Mum and Sister

[Flyhigher]

I have a very cantankerous/ difficult 81 year old Mum. I haven't seen her that much over the last three years as I haven't been mentally well and I live 200 miles away. I have seen her three times in 2023. And probably twice or three times in 2022.
She shouts and is getting a bit forgetful.
Sister very angry with me. Not suprisingly.
I do ring my Mum about every two weeks and spend hours sorting out admin for her. It's very stressful. Sister very angry and taking anger out on me. I think she hates me now. Help. Will she come round?

Why does your sister hate you?

Well hate maybe too strong. But very very angry.
Not seeing my mum enough. And also I have done some other things I'm not proud of. She knows about it and is angry.

Is your sister in the position as main carer for your mum and bearing he brunt of the day to day grind? Maybe she feels that you have left her with all of the work and day to day stress of caring. Whether you mean to or not the admin work that you take on is nothing compared to he ground hog repetitive nature of caring. Your mum has probably worn her out. It sounds like she feels that you've not supported her. I feel the same towards my husbands family, they have left us to look after his very elderly mother and when she dies we shan't be speaking to them again. Our lives are totally on hold till she dies. If you want to salvage a relationship please take some time off work, go and stay withh your mum for a few days to give your sister a break, paperwork and "admin" is he tip of he ice berg. Even if you don't like your mum please do t for your sister. You need to show her with actions and not words and simpering platitudes that you want to do better.

Absolutely agree with everything that @gratefulforcousins has said.
Caring for an elderly person can be very hard. Your sister sounds exhausted?
Time for you to step up and give your sister some support.

Neither daughters need to care for mum if it's exhausting, affects their mental health and there is a poor relationship. my sister did lots for mum as she lived nearby, often the "help" was not wanted but she was very bossy and let everyone know how much she did. Other siblings offered to help but it was never good enough and always over ridden by the boss. I rang mum daily, did online shopping, didn't visit as much as I could of due to covid and my own health. If mum is getting forgetful maybe suggest a gp visit and an assessment. What does your sister want you to do apart from visit, does sister do the caring, can you take on anything, facetime if you can't visit, does mum want you to do more. When you say you've done things you're not proud of, how does that affect your mum?

@gratefulforcousins it's not caring exactly. But she's very difficult.

Sister visits once a month now. Very anxious.
She has done the lion share definitely.
She wanted to sell her house and I said no. Let's rent it and build a new granny flat. I'm sorry we didn't sell.

Which my sister project managed.

I took a week off. And stayed there it was hell.

My mother shouts all day and is so bossy.

It's very difficult.

There's no caring yet.

So your sister visits once a month, what else has sh3 done or does nowmthat mum needs help with. Who wanted to sell a house? Did someone suggest building a granny flat in their own property for mum to live,in.

Sister wanted to sell. Now I wish we had. Although it's debatable too.
She has done a lot tbf.
But I have also done what I'm able to do.

Did mum want to sell, can she make her own decisions. Sometimes it can feel like a who does more competition

Sell now?

She can. But she she's very difficult. And now we have built a granny flat. She won't move.
But I think renting in a retirement complex would be better.

What have other people done with their elderlies? Retirement home or own house?

Where is this granny flat? Granny flat usually means it is attached to someone else's property- is this the case?

Why did you override your DMs choice to sell her house ?

Well ... I pushed going for a granny flat built in the grounds. With the main house being rented out to help fund the granny flat.

So she loves ina tiny bungalow on the garden of the house she used to live in,but has no access to because it's rented to ransoms. And now you want her to move she won't.

You can't DO anything with her. You say she has no care needs, no suggestion from you she's not mentally competent. She's not a bag of used clothes to push from place to place.

You said you did other stuff, not just see your mom much, and that sister knows. What's that other stuff?