Getting mum in law to have a wash.

[gratefulforcousins]

My mother I law is living at ours for the foreseeable future, she is unable to remain at home as her care package has failed and she can't function in between visits and is constantly falling. We have a downstairs toilet qnd sink but no shower. She is in desperate need of a wash after being sweaty while she had covid and in the nicest possible way she needs to clean her self everywhere in every crevice. We are waiting for social services assessment to assist but she I refusing saying that she had a wash once a week at home. I have tried being blunt and offered help but she goes into a vapour and gets upset. I will not accept the smell and she is staying here in lieu of a care home so she does have to stick by some level of hygiene so we can live together. We are moving house in the next few months so we can't make any adaptations she can't do the stairs. She needs to wash , how dod I get her to do it.

I used Nilaqua for my disabled late OH - https://nilaqua.co.uk/

You can get shampoo and body wash. Basically you bung it on then towel it off.

It was a godsend.

Book a hotel room with a nice bathroom and tell her you're there overnight especially so she can get very clean. She's paying for you both, so she might as well make a job of it. If she doesn't wash at yours, she can pay for a shower-stay once a fortnight.

They care about their money!

Hope I' don't sound too cruel. I'm desperately hiding the information from my 91 year old dad that elders sometimes refuse (so far, the 'hard word' has been enough - 'If you want me to come here and 'care', you have to co-operate'} to shower, or pretend they've done it!

Probably because he respects his Mother's dignity enough to not even suggest doing it himself ? Plus it sounds like she could do it herself with minimal assistance but would still be embarrassing if that help came from her son

I was a nightmare getting my DM with dementia to have a shower. She would invariably say she couldn’t be bothered and start crying if I tried to insist.

However a sister who lived much further away and so visited a lot less often was able to be much tougher - she’d say, ‘Come on, you need a shower - you smell!’ (She did).

There would be tears etc. but soon forgotten (one blessing of dementia) and I’m sure she must have felt better afterwards.

OP, I would suggest you get your dh to insist - nicely but very firmly.

When we had FiL living with us (also dementia) I had the same problem but couldn’t insist - he was apt to fly into truly terrifying rages. Only dh was able to coax him into a bath now and then - but dh was so often away for work. 😩

I’m sure she must have felt better afterwards. probably not. You tend to feel best with what you’re used to, be that the warm fug when you’ve not had a shower, or the fresh feeling of frequent showers

My mother aged 86 has only had strip
washes for several years. No baths or showers. She is v clean and doesn’t smell. Sounds like you have done good :-).

Well done op👏

I was a fairly frequent visitor to my Dm with Alzh, but trying to get her to have a shower was a nightmare - invariably she ‘couldn’t be bothered’ and would get very upset and tearful if I tried to push it.

However my sister, who lived much further away and so visited much less often, was much tougher with her - wouldn’t take no for answer. ‘You need a shower - you smell!!’ (she did). There would be tears and aggro, but it would happen, tears were soon forgotten (short term memory practically zero) and I’m she must have felt better afterwards.

Once she was finally in the care home, she was always clean, in clean clothes, with nice clean hair. How they managed it I don’t know, but they did.

Its truly soul destroying and she lives with you. My late DM was the same but I was very very firm - even used threats of a care home (I know really mean!) and it did work but I heard every excuse.

Had this with elderly uncle . But I insisted that he allowed his carers to help him . Found out part of the problem was difficultly getting clothes off while balancing. He was afraid he would fall. Got a perch chair, washing bowl,carer stripped ,washed , applied moisturiser cream and dressed in clean clothes. DH helped him shave. He felt so much better afterwards. When he went to respite he had a full shower . Glad your MIL cooperated with you.