Getting mum in law to have a wash.

[gratefulforcousins]

My mother I law is living at ours for the foreseeable future, she is unable to remain at home as her care package has failed and she can't function in between visits and is constantly falling. We have a downstairs toilet qnd sink but no shower. She is in desperate need of a wash after being sweaty while she had covid and in the nicest possible way she needs to clean her self everywhere in every crevice. We are waiting for social services assessment to assist but she I refusing saying that she had a wash once a week at home. I have tried being blunt and offered help but she goes into a vapour and gets upset. I will not accept the smell and she is staying here in lieu of a care home so she does have to stick by some level of hygiene so we can live together. We are moving house in the next few months so we can't make any adaptations she can't do the stairs. She needs to wash , how dod I get her to do it.

I care for my mum, and sometimes she says she won’t wash (because it’s hard work for her). I tell her being able to wash is one of the absolute necessities for staying in her own home. We use facecloths, I add the soap to them and hand her them. Then another to rinse with. A perch chair might be useful if she’s likely to fall. Fear of falling or being exhausted seems to be the most likely reasons they refuse, imo.

Not much advice I’m afraid but I understand where you are coming from. We have a similar situation with MIL but thankfully she still has a regular carer visiting so at least they get her to shower a few times a week. They are very firm about hygiene but even then they sometimes have to resort to a towel wash because she refuses the shower. The stubbornness about washing and hygiene is so hard to deal with. She’s had awful skin conditions that have been caused by built up gunk from not cleaning her face properly (refuses to clean her face because her hair will get wet). You have my sympathy, it’s very, very hard.

Can you book a visit from a visiting nurse/carer (council option perhaps) for them to bathe her three times per week.
Out sourcing to a professional stranger might be better for your MIL self esteem.
Then you just inform MIL that the carer comes to bathe her on those days.

You can buy blow up baths and camp showers. They might be suitable if you have access to warm water. Camp showers could have in built water heating.

@gratefulforcousins you don’t say if dementia is one of her conditions, but if it is, it is recognised that one of the side effects of the condition is that sufferers do not like a change in temperature on their bodies. It may not be ‘stubbornness’ or a battle of wills at play, there is literally no desire to look in a mirror or recall the need to wash. Experienced carers are adept at persuasion in these circumstances. Having been through this with both DP’s and DPIL’s it is really hard for everyone, so my heart goes out to you.

@GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut

She is quite happy to let me help with things like that I've done it hundreds of times over the years when she has been unwell, even help her with a shower in her own home. I even said I'd take her back there just to showerr but she won't go.
Clothes are similar but I can put them under my arm, wall out and shove them in a machine (shame they don't do them for humans). It's driving me mad, my husband is also similarly trying to talk her into action but she wouldn't let him help understandably.

@MegaMeg2710 it hasn't been"outsourced" as you put it, but I wouldn't want my son doing my intimate care either.....would you? Ironically he has no qualms at all but she is quite a private person.

Absolutely no problems with cognition, I cant leave her to wash alone. I tried leaving her with a bowl but she is quite unsteady and has carpet in the room so it ended up soaked just washing her face.
Downstairs loo is warm enough and is tiled. She whinges her hair or bits of her are wet she split a small amount of water on her knee last week and started exageraredly brushing at it whining that she had wet on her. For some reason she seems to think that the whining child voice helps her case but it makes people think what the heck!

I'd be booking a carer 2 or 3 times a week for an hour. Explain it will just be for a wash. Provide everything you can think of. Towels, washcloths, her fave shampoo or bodywash, basins, hairbrush , anything really. Put the heater on ( assuming you are in the Northern Hemisphere). And then just tell her that's what's happening. Good luck. Terrible situation. I am having struggles with my elderly parents too. So difficult.
Also, not sure if it's available where you live but we have mobile hairdressers who come to the house. That would solve one problem at least. Just need a plastic chair, they have a hose that attaches to the taps and a neck prop thing.

In the days before every house had an indoor bathroom people had tin baths in front of the fire! Like a giant baby bath. I wonder if they still exist.

If the lady refuses to be washed then carers won't wash her against her will. No matter how much she needs it or how much op has paid.

I was going to say the same as the person above - it's not quite the same as the "parent becomes child" idea. An adult with capacity can refuse to wash and you can't physically make them.

So there are two things at play and two options.

a) If she has capacity. So the the recourse you have is to not have her in your home, so I'd focus on getting the care package sorted and saying very clearly you will not look after her after x date and mean it. You will take her to her home and leave her there. Otherwise they will not put anything in place. It sucks. You may also have to tell her she is moving out if she doesn't wash, and mean it. This is really mean and hard to do but she may, if she has capacity, respond.

b) If she doesn't have capacity. This sounds pretty likely, because the "whiny voice" and childlike things brushing off water etc sound really quite dementia-ish to me. Can you get her an assessment ASAP- as then you can start the process of POA, all that jazz, which will enable your DH to care for her as and when she gets iller. In this case it's also not possible to require her to "wash or move out" as she won't really get it. So you are in the zone of cajoling, much like with a child but actually you can't really just go for it and wash her against her will as you could with a 2 year old. This also sucks. Carers are LESS likely than you are to do the cajoling, both because they have a professional line they can't cross and frankly usually are underpaid, not that bothered. and chronically overworked. So not having to wash someone suits them just fine, they can get to their next awful appointment quicker. It sucks for them too.

Sorry OP.

day centres sometimes have bathing facilities that way you would solve that problem they are used to dealing with difficult to wash people, you would also get a break and hopefully she would get a few hours enjoyment too

If all of you try really hard yourselves, you could imagine him hiring a carer or helper for this task specifically, himself, seeming as it’s his own mother, to give his mother and his wife back some dignity, and then it doesn’t have to be “or move out…” Christ.

To be honest...That doesn't sound like a person who has absolutely no problems with cognition.

Echoing this. We have a day centre nearby that has a bathing assistant. Could you see if there are similar facilities near you?
If you find one, you could explore the other activities that they offer at the day centre first before introducing the idea of the bathing assistant.

You say she has no problems with cognition; but the extreme reaction to splashes of water seems a bit odd. I am guessing she doesn't offer excuses/rationales for her refusal to wash?

Does she currently eat with you, sit with you? What would you do if it was a teenager?

I think wipes are a good idea and maybe she would agree to that if it’s less hassle. But buy the proper ones they use in hospital- you heat them (microwave ?) and they work a lot better than normal ones

My Dm could access the shower OK, but would she? I could never get her to - she’d always say she couldn’t be bothered, and if I tried to insist she’d turn on the waterworks.

However my sister, who lived much further away and so visited far less often, was able to say, ‘You need a shower - you smell!!’ (She did.). There would be tears but DSis just wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Would you be able to be similarly tough, OP?

I do know how hard it is though. FiL (also with dementia) lived with us for a while, and I never could get him to have a bath or shower. He’d do it for dh, after a lot of coaxing, but at the time dh was often away for work for long periods. I couldn’t insist - FiL was apt to fly into truly terrifying rages over the tiniest thing.

Also, the only way I could get him to wear clean clothes was to have a set ready, watch like a hawk for when he went to the loo first thing, charge in and replace the dirty lot with clean ones. Thank goodness he never noticed.

I've managed it! Full strip wash with lots of warm towels and now she said she feels new. I think it helped with the chat we had this afternoon.....we agreed that if she will accept outside help and go to respite when we need a holiday or break she can stay she is so fearful of going into a care home bless her. Thanks the advice.

Don't know if this is allowed but there is a good facebook page called carents lounge might be helpful. Have seen adverts for large wipes for people who can't shower or bath

We have a local day centre that people can visit for bathing/washing as well as a lunch and company. See if your local SS adult helpdesk could refer you to one locally.

Otherwise, get two washing up bowls - one with soap in, one clear for rinsing. Either use a flannel or special dry wipes from Amazon like they use in hospital and wash very well around the face, neck and top half of body. Then dry well, and dress the top half. Then you can tackle the bottom half without them getting cold and so they feel like they have some dignity. Bit of practice and you'll both be fine with it.

Great news. She's lucky to have you!

I think half the battle is the first one, and if you can make it a pleasurable thing - nicest smalling soaps and softest towels you should be able to get a repeat.

Slightly random but a woman I cared for was like this with her hair and skin
Managed to get around it by using a towelling headband for her hair, and then a cream cleanser rubbed in and taken off with a warm damp flannel and going carefully around the edges
Used to joke it was time for her spa treatment and she would only let me cleanse her face!

Nicely done.