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Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum's personality is changing ...worried

31 replies

Sonolanona · 30/12/2023 22:56

Mum is in her late 70s.. intelligent and funny, if a little judgemental. Lives alone (long divorced and my Dad died years ago)
She has become MUCH more anxious over the last couple of years... stresses over everything. Neurotic about her cat, convinced he can't cope if she is away overnight, that he's anxious .. reality is he is simply an old ,demanding cat, no different to most and he manages fine for one night with the neighbour feeding him.
But what is worrying me is she has become quite rude/offensive. She bitches about her few friends, she was horribly rude about my lovely autistic son back in the summer... to the point where DD2 , who was with us out having a meal , was shocked enough to tell my Mum that that was out of order.
She's with us for New year and she upset DD2 by completely ignoring her toddler, while fawning over the other toddler with us, didn't even greet DD2 or her dh, and just isn't herself.
Her memory seems fine and she seems to function fine day to day, but it's like her social filter has gone... and heaven forbid you dare say anything.

Is this the start of dementia? She doesn't seem depressed (often complains she's bored but does a fair few social activities) she's got a few health problems but nothing obviously dreadful, and I'm just worried about her; and miss my Mum as she was :(

OP posts:
Berl29 · 30/12/2023 22:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Sonolanona · 30/12/2023 23:49

No. I think she'd just be mightily offended and upset if I suggested it. She's under a couple of consultants for a long standing autoimmune condition and has regular general check ups as a result and she gets very annoyed about those.
She has become highly sensitive to anything she perceives as criticism. Cognitively she is still pretty sharp...I've no doubt she'd thrash me in a game of scrabble, but she's DIFFERENT.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 30/12/2023 23:51

Sadly personality changes can occur in older age… and if she won’t see the Dr there is little you can do. Whilst she is still of sound mind can you get her to arrange you to be POA?

lifestylechoice · 30/12/2023 23:54

Sounds a bit like my mother TbH! She's obsessed with her dog. Then on Christmas Day started going on about how annoying Myra Wilson is and how ridiculous we all were for liking 'cheesy American crap' like Miracle on 34th St.🙈

I don't think she's losing it tho, just old and grumpy!

Candleabra · 30/12/2023 23:55

I’m afraid this was a symptom of a rare form of dementia in my mum. Behaving very out of character, rude at times, selfish. Just generally not the nice person she had been before. No other cognitive impairments at first, though that changed over time.

herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 30/12/2023 23:58

Agree that this is a symptom of dementia, sorry to say so but I think that's what you already think OP. Not much you can do if she won't go to the gp at this stage...?

Mum5net · 31/12/2023 00:50

Put notes on your phone to remind you of these incidents. Your relationship with your DM has changed. She’s different. No matter the label, OP, you are in a new phase. Sending you a big hug as it’s v hard at first.

caringcarer · 31/12/2023 02:15

Candleabra · 30/12/2023 23:55

I’m afraid this was a symptom of a rare form of dementia in my mum. Behaving very out of character, rude at times, selfish. Just generally not the nice person she had been before. No other cognitive impairments at first, though that changed over time.

My Gran was exactly like this and it turned out to be something called Lewy Body dementia.

LonelynSad · 31/12/2023 02:29

Going through exactly the same OP. My mum is also late 70s. My Dad also died many years ago. She’s got steadily worse since. Inconsiderate, lack of empathy, rude, cold, nasty. Argumentative. Not the same person. I tried to raise the possibility of getting assessed and she said “How nasty!!” and looked me up & down like I was scum.
My brother is in total denial. I'm at a loss….

someon · 31/12/2023 04:01

My mum was like how you are describing 6yrs ago it's was the first signs of dementia.

PattyDuckface · 31/12/2023 04:25

My Mother also changed personality like this and it was the start of vascular dementia.

I also know of other elderly people who are very unpleasant in old age and it's just old age.

Hugs to you OP, see if you can get your Mum assessed and hopefully it's just being old and grumpy xxx

WarmBeerAndSandwiches · 31/12/2023 05:05

This is exactly what happened with my Nan,
her personality changed completely. She was eventually diagnosed with dementia
after years of me trying to tell the doctors something was wrong. It’s so hard OP, especially when they are resistant to the idea that anything’s wrong. Flowers

BananaSplitsss · 31/12/2023 05:18

This is like my FIL. He’s 84 and got very nasty and selfish. My DH has only just noticed it as he works away and despite being offered FIL refused to come to our house over Christmas. He popped over before Christmas and was unkind to our eldest child, calling him fat and all
sorts and refused to play with him. He was rude to me but I was furious he was unkind to our son.
DH spoke to him yesterday on the phone and he was more like he’s old self. He’s definitely changed though.
I am sorry to hear this with your Mum.

Rubbishdisguise · 31/12/2023 07:57

My family has noticed that a lot (not all!) of the women we know seem to become much more anxious around that age - but notably this anxiety in a few (definitely not all) of them escalated into rudeness and anger before eventually sadly turning into dementia. No science to back it up, just we've noticed a pattern.

I hope you can find support for both you and your mum 💐

Lovelycupofcoffee · 31/12/2023 08:08

My mum is 80 in march annd ive also noticed similar things happening with her. Took her shopping yesterday and she was scared to use the cash point as she thought someone was watching her . She can also be a bit rude at times and come out with hurtful comments which seems to be getting worse as well. I will try and get her to see the doctor but shes very stubborn . I hope you manage to find support or get it checked out

Original poster
Sonolanona · 31/12/2023 09:54

Thank you for your replies.. I am very worried that this is the start, and hope I'm wrong but her personality change and other 'minor' issues are beggining to increase.
Mum lives quite a long way away from me and doesn't drive and I'm in the usual caring trap... I look after my little grandson, still have an adult child with autism at home (and probably always will) and still work part time and the thought of trying to manage another caring role is beyond daunting.
I guess it's a case of watch and wait :/

OP posts:
Mum5net · 31/12/2023 10:15

There are subtle actions you can make that down the line will help significantly.

Things like:
Getting the next door neighbour telephone number
Making sure all her utility bills are on direct debit
Maybe helping her with online banking and letting her share password with you

There are more nuclear things you might attempt:
Her getting her will and POA sorted
Broaching the subject of her moving closer to you/ family member
Keeping an eye on her ability to drive

Sadly, it's a new road neither of you will want to travel.

MereDintofPandiculation · 31/12/2023 11:24

If she’s having regular medical appointments for other things, you can write to the GP with your worries, and ask if they can do anything. Explain why you can’t take it up with her yourself. They won’t be able to discuss her with you but they may act on the information you give them

IthinkIamAnAlien · 31/12/2023 11:34

I wouldn't disagree with anything anyone has said but it seems to me that the state of the world and the UK, the major changes we've lived through and are living through - computers, climate change and all the ramifications - are enough to make any older person rude and angry. It's as though all the hope and 'progress' of the last 40 years has been thrown away. Threads on MN laughing at old people for pronouncing Lidl and similar 'wrongly' don't help anything at all. Being old in the UK is probably worse than at any time in the 20th century.

guineverehadgreeneyes · 31/12/2023 11:59

I'm sorry you are going through this. My late mother was diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's and vascular dementia but died several months after her diagnosis from other causes. She also experienced anxiety for a few years before her diagnosis.

But anxiety and disinhibition could be early manifestation of one of the various types of dementia that don't always start with memory or cognitive problems but with personality changes.

Brain tumours may also manifest with personality changes.

Some blood pressure medications can also cause anxiety.

No1Mousie · 31/12/2023 12:29

So sorry to hear this, it is such a difficult thing to deal with.

I have a similar story to tell. My DM was finding it harder to deal with any sort of upsets in her daily routine, she found it hard to be spontaneous, found it difficult to be away from home overnight, was paranoid, and was as hyper critical of longstanding friends. There was nothing glaring obvious that said dementia, but she just wasn’t herself. I put this down to anxiety and social isolation caused by covid lockdown.

But then the final straw came when she called one of the changing room assistants in M&S a silly bitch for asking her to sanitise her hands before trying clothes on (not long after last covid lockdown).

So, DH and I talked her into having a cognitive assessment at her GP, and then she was referred for a brain scan and a couple of psychological assessments. She was really angry at me for ‘forcing’ her to do this, and it was really difficult to deal
with.

I am glad tho that we did it tho. Long short is that she has cerebral small vessel disease, which can be (but not always) a precursor to dementia.

Obviously, her behaviour hasn’t changed, but I found it was easier to deal with knowing that this was something beyond her control. And, it means that if it were to develop into dementia, there wouldn’t be the same long wait for assessment.

I know it’s easier said than done, but I think a cognitive assessment would be a good place to start.

greenbeansnspinach · 31/12/2023 18:31

Maybe relevant or maybe not, but my mum kindly looked after our cat for a few months in 2016. She started worrying about his health and became convinced he’d eaten some glass and there was blood in his poo. There wasn’t. It became clear over the following few years that she had cognitive decline. But I do remember this was around the beginning of me thinking there was something different about her.

Original poster
Sonolanona · 31/12/2023 23:00

Thankfully Mum sorted POA for me and my brother this year, so at least there is that.
Last night she got in a panic in the night because she couldn't open the bedroom door of our spare room. Hers at home opens inwards. Ours opens outwards. She couldn't figure it out and thought one of my kids had locked her in! My children are all adults and only one lives at home and we have never had any locks on any doors whatsoever. Something is definitely amiss :(

OP posts:
wombats78 · 31/12/2023 23:06

Write to her GP or ring them and they will help you. Even if they don't discuss her with you, you can discuss her with them.

It sounds like she still has capacity, so that limits what you can do otherwise.

We left my MiL get too bad by going along with ignoring the decline (much to my irritation) and now it's social services and all sorts, definitely a battle if they don't realise they have a problem.

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 23:35

Yes, I'd say some form of dementia for sure

It would be helpful to find out which, alzheimers vascular lewy body.....so maybe an email to her GP surgery to organise a scan?

Would your Mum be ok with help going in a few times a week? Say for cleaning? Any excuse to have someone to keep a regular eye on her