A Living Nightmare

[Saskia22]

Hi, Just looking for some advice from anyone in similar position. Brief background, I am an only child of 78yr old parents. My dad had a bad stroke ten years ago. He lives at home with mum and has two carers twice a day for personal care. He is right side paralysed, he cannot talk well, has a soft diet due to muscle weakness.
I visited today and whilst my mum was making tea asked me what will happen to him if mum dies. He then points at himself saying my house I want to stay. Obviously this wouldn't be possible I said as what if there was a fire or someone broke in. He expects me to step in. He would fight it to the death to stay at home but he relies on someone for eating, drinking toileting ect. I think it's awful of him to say this to his only daughter. He shouts and swears at mum and I but all sweetness and light with the carers.

Social services will step in and the decision will be taken out of his hands.

He can expect all he likes @Saskia22 but it is horrendously unfair to expect you to step in as a full-time carer. This would mean putting your own life on hold (do you have a partner, children?) for years potentially. Add in the fact that he's a bully who swears and shouts at you both, there is no way you should be doing this. It might sounds harsh but you really need to stay firm on this.

You will need to involve SS and be very clear with them that you will not be taking over care or moving in with him, so they will need to make the necessary arrangements with him directly.

You are under no obligation to step in and take over the role currently undertaken by your DM - no way, no how. Your DF can expect whatever he likes, - you don't have to comply. You need to think through what you can manage and then stick to those boundaries as firmly as you can.

Likewise your DM doesn't have to have to continue caring for him either. She'll be getting older, frailer and may develop health issues of her own which would make caring for your DF more difficult, if not impossible. I would suggest you chat with your DM about this - saying she can step away from the level of caring she is currently giving, especially as he is being abusive towards her. Has your DM had a carer's assessment by adult social services ? This is an assessment of her needs, not your DF. It may not result in any additional help immediately but it can be a useful way of getting a carer who's become entrenched, to look at their position in a new light.

Your DF can refuse anything and everything offered to him, but he can't make either you or your DM care for him

Providing he has capacity - and the bar is pretty low - he can do what he likes (and take the consequences).

But what you do, OP, is up to you. It's fine to say, I know you want ... but that's not possible/I don't think that's a good idea at all and won't be involved...".

I have a single friend who was disabled by a serious stroke and lives at home alone supported by carers. Where friends "fill in" is what you might call personal assistant activities: ensuring the post is opened, that bills and appointments are not forgotten or ignored, lifts to appointments.

Bluntly, if he's a dick to you, don't reward that behaviour - rather, be firmer about acting to suit yourself. And be calmly frank about it : If you want my help you have to be civil to me.

Do you expect your mother to die before him for any reason? If she’s in good health then it’s more likely he will go first.

It does depend on what funds he has. The first step would be for him to have carers more often (4x a day) - plenty of people with restricted mobility and even dementia live like this. Alternatively he might qualify for live in carers.

Thanks for your reply. It's my father worrying about all this, there's no reason, apart from he's worried. They own their house but there's no funds. The carers are mainly paid for by the council and they top it up. Which hasn't been happening for a while and there's a debt of 22,000 owed to the council. It's all such mess and mums coming to the end as he is now refusing to go to his daycentre so mum gets no break at all. It's his birthday new years day. May not visit this year!

The current situation sounds pretty untenable, let alone if your DM died or was taken ill.

Has your DM had a Carer's Assessment?