So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

I think if he's being such an arsehole over absolutely everything the only way you can tell him is by being blunt.

"you are making me ill dad, ruining my home and it can't go on. You aren't coming back here. Either you go back to your own home or accept that you need professional care."

some people will only hear the unvarnished, blunt truth

@JellyWellyBoots yes I got ill, I seem to be seen as the strong one in the family so I kept having everything passed to me to deal with. I have an invisible illness (chronic) and I am supposed to manage stress and energy. The night DF was sectioned and taken to the MH unit everyone disappeared and hid in neighbours houses or went for a walk. So I was left alone to witness my DF being sectioned (after I'd called for help when he attacked us) and had to persuade him to go with them which was traumatic as he obviously didn't want to go and they said they would do it by force.

DF was same as yours he would commute fine with other people but with us he was awful, I have since been told this is perfectly normal as he sees them as authority so will behave better.

He has always been a very selfish person but he really didn't care how he treated us or how we were feeling, everything was about him and we wnt along with it to a certain degree and then he got more and more demanding. We had to do something for our own wellbeing as well as his.

What I expected was that once we called for help that things would be easier and to a certain degree they were but the admin, phone calls and meetings continued for about 8 months after he was sectioned. I would say its only been in the last couple months I've really felt I could breath and take some of my life back.

Hate to say it, but you just have to let "anything" happen. If you had gone away, he'd have miraculously found someone to help. Or something would have happened and so what, it would demonstrate the cracks and helped leverage more support. You can't carry on as you are - you're going to be ill yourself.

Mine (not terminally ill) also acts differently to other people compared to around me. I think it's like a child having their 'safe space' with a trusted parent so they act up with that parent. It's one thing when it's your child though, and another when it's an adult who can control their behaviour. I now either only see mine with other people present or have strong boundaries in place - she was really annoyed about this over Christmas when I refused to do several things she demanded!

The problem with living under the cosh of “he has a year” is a prognosis is just a guess @JellyWellyBoots . It could be much longer. Also, as his condition deteriorates it’s going to get so much harder for you. You don’t have to live like this.

Where was he living before he moved in with you?

One thing I have noticed is he is completely different when company is around, but is more senile & deaf when it's just us. I don't understand it.

It’s a form of masking I think. Putting on a front. Last time we saw FIL he was clearly making an effort to sit right up in bed, but he wasn’t talking or even really opening his eyes. Apparently he’s often quite angry and abusive but I only heard him bark at MIL to “shut up” once. He was on his best behaviour.

Oh god, the HEAT. Same here. He complains of feeling cold and demand the heating be cranked up, and god forbid anyone say no to him because the abuse would start again. I have to dress myself and the kids for summer if we visit, and occasionally go to an upstairs bedroom to throw a window open and stick my face out. It just adds to the oppressiveness of the house.

@JellyWellyBoots I don’t know how it works in practice, but have you asked for a carer’s assessment? It’s an assessment of you and your needs. My 70 year old cousin has a profoundly disabled son living with him. For as long as I can remember, he has had access to a sitting service and regular respite periods, a set number of days which he divides between short periods when he wants a day out, and longer periods.

@JellyWellyBoots lots of excellent advice given here.
You're obviously really clued up about what's what - is the block (to getting him into a care home/calling Social Services and saying 'That's it, now do something)- the guilt?
We all understand that.
Just two things:

Your words: You choose to have a child, so it's your job to look after them.
I didn't choose this.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Secondly - to your unhelpful Aunt, and to him - 'Caring is a very hard job. That's why paid carers get days off. I don't get any days off, and I already have my own responsibilities. I'm not able to continue.

I can hardly believe I'm typing this, as I'm an animal lover/owner, but if he does need to stay, I would consider rehoming the dog. He'll go ballistic. But the poor thing will need to be rehomed anyway, and it might actually be helpful to start the process now - the dog could meet his new owners for visits, return to the security of your Dad - a gradual transition? I know someone who did this and it worked well.

Re the time left a doctor friend explained that they tell you the timescale for 80% of patients with that diagnosis. Because people can get their head around 6-12 months etc. But if you gave them the timescale for even 95% you could be saying a month to 3 years and people struggle to cope with that.

My mum was diagnosed with parkinson's 12 years ago, left hand tremor, so mild/mid parkinson's. She would not comply with meds [don't blame her] she would not do her physio and as a recovering alcoholic she was keen on the liquid morphine [oramorph] so her health and mobility declined.
My mother was not a nice person who was bitter about life and she became very nasty and difficult. The demands and nastiness escalated, we put up with a lot because she said she was also diagnosed with dementia. Summer 2022 we were on our knees. Imagine my shock when dr's and her carers all confirmed she didn't have dementia it was for attention and only to immediate family.
My mother lived 10 years more than expected, every hospital stay we thought it was the end, it has broken the family, I went NC January last year as I couldn't take anymore, she died in November. We don't get that time back, my energy hasn't recovered, I still have anxiety from it. My husband had cancer during this time and I all I could do was put one foot in front of the other.
None of this is your fault and no gentle way of saying it @JellyWellyBoots your dad has had his life but expects you to sacrifice yours. If your dad refuses alternative care he can make other arrangements with your aunt. There is no good outcome here, if you have a mental breakdown everyone suffers, if your dad doesn't get his own way then it is just his sense of entitlement that gets dented.
I understand the devastating pressure of duty but in the end no one appreciates it, it is expected. Hindsight is 20/20

I’m so tired of this. I don’t have it anywhere nearly as bad as you others but I’m sick of it. The nicest day in ages but of course it’s my turn to visit Mum in hospital. She’ll barely remember me being there. It’s me who thinks to check her cupboard and take away her dirty soiled clothing coz my brothers are male and don’t think.
ill have to report back and think of everything and sooonfeed what needs doing like some sort of fecking project manager. It’s me who will act as arbitrator between DD and DH coz he can be a real dick at times, probably coz he’s male.
I’m so fucking done with caring and being responsible for other humans and their emotions and the load of shit we have to deal with coz we are female. Note to other women. Get educated, get a good job where you travel far from home, don’t get married or have kids, have a wide circle of friends and interests, live your life for you and no one else. I’ve never felt so trapped!

Oh god, the HEAT. Same here. He complains of feeling cold and demand the heating be cranked up, and god forbid anyone say no to him because the abuse would start again. I have to dress myself and the kids for summer if we visit, and occasionally go to an upstairs bedroom to throw a window open and stick my face out. It just adds to the oppressiveness of the house

Argh.

Yes, the fucking heat.

And the fucking daughter (who didn't live with her) telling me the thermostat had to be set at 28 degrees.
I also had the window wide open in my room, and went up for some respite from the tropics, which the rest of the house resembled.

That relentless heat nearly broke me.

28 degrees! That's like midday in Spain, all day and all night!

I really feel for you @JellyWellyBoots and think you need an exit point as soon as possible. My advice would be to wait until your Dad is in respite and then tell social services loudly and clearly that you are not having your Dad back under any circumstances. You will need to stand your ground as they will undoubtedly try to guilt trip you. I had to take a really firm stance with social services regarding my Mum and this often meant not answering phone calls about her or turning my phone off. They can’t make plans if they can’t get in contact with you and it also gives healthcare professionals a very clear message. It’s not how I wanted to be but the system forces you to adapt this stance or be coerced into a position you don’t want to be in. As other posters have pointed out your Dad could live far longer than predicted and modern medicine seems entirely focused on prolonging life for as long as possible regardless of the quality. Good luck.

Absolutely agree with @AgitatedGoose you do have to stand your ground, SS can be annoyingly devious. They called me advising DF was ready to be discharged from hospital DM had said she didn't want him home without a care package, so I said no we won't have him back yet until care is in place and I was given a sob story how difficult it will be to sort due to time of year and they would have to transfer him to a different hospital etc I said yep fine do that then (baring in mind he had physically threatened DM on the ward and verbally abused me they knew he was dangerous but wanted him discharged).

I made my way to DM to update her on what I'd said and SS were on the phone to her basically pressing her to have DF home and she caved and said OK, he was literally dumped at the house with no pants on just joggers and a blanket round him, no meds, no pads and left us to it.

TBH I wished we had used the ignoring calls tactic.

“I made my way to DM to update her on what I'd said and SS were on the phone to her basically pressing her to have DF home and she caved and said OK, he was literally dumped at the house with no pants on just joggers and a blanket round him, no meds, no pads and left us to it.”

@Tara336 OMG that’s truly awful! What a hellish way to exist!!! My heart goes out to you

And yes ‘dead parent envy’. Never heard it described this way but it is so apt. I definitely have it

My mum.has her thermostat set at 28. It's one of the reasons I set a time limit on visits at this time of year. That and the smoking stink mean I always leave with a headache.

I once dared to open the window, the heat got too much. I got told off.

I'm also sick to death of cleaning the bathroom every single day. He also somehow manages to get water all over the basin and the floor. Every time.
The mess gets me so low, I've always kept my home smelling fresh, I loved coming back from work to a tidy house, those days are long gone. It fucking stinks. Dirty socks on the floor, leaves his toothpicks on the table we eat off, paperwork everywhere, his clothes are all over the floor in his room despite being given drawers. If I mention any of this, there is always an excuse. I am left to do absolutely everything except wipe his arse. The worst part is he takes it completely for granted.
Every single aspect of this situation is driving me to insanity to the point I've actually considered temporarily moving out of my own home. I don't like being here anymore.

What makes this even worse is he did this last year when he was fit and well, came to stay for a couple of weeks and wouldn't fucking leave. 3 months later he finally left. I vowed to never have him stay again.

& yes I've had an assessment from SS's. I wanted support mainly for DD as she's in the middle of this shit show. The lady asked me what I do for 'me' & I just stared at her.

I wish I had the strength to do this, & I was being cheered from the sidelines up until now.

My mother (whom I was estranged from as a child but started making contact about 10 years ago) said I'm choosing to do this and that I need to stop fucking whinging & actually do something about it.

So much being sacrificed by younger generations so that someone who has effectively had their life can cling on even longer; how can this be right? Longevity is disastrous socially and environmentally and this is never discussed. Care homes with washers and dryers on constantly and heating cranked up, even in the summer months. Nor do you see it mentioned on threads about difficulties getting GP or dentists appointments; the impact of relentless demand from the elderly, the same old faces at the GP surgery looking for a cure for old age. FIL care home was regularly sending him to A&E for the most trivial things, I swear if he had a split end they would be calling me to let me know the ambulance was on its way; I felt like telling them to piss off, just ring me when he's dead! Sitting there like a pig in shit, he just loved to be waited on by women, like he had all his life prior to getting dementia. My own father had numeous ailments before he died, arthritis, gout, prostate cancer, high blood pressure, cardiovasculal disease, on and on it went. Endless pills and prescriptions all provided free of charge; it is not sustainable - there are neighbours on my road who have been retired for longer than they have worked. We don't have enough young people to fund the cost and some who might be paying into the system via taxation are not working due to mental health because guess what, we don't as a society effectively fund it. Japanese society is on the brink of collapse due to the same issues that we are facing; they now supply more nappies to geriatrics than babies, how fucked up is that. Memories of the trauma of the whole situation with FIL who unfortunately reached end-stage dementia (until you've witnessed that one it is difficult to describe the horror) will give me the courage I need to end my life on my own terms should euthanasia not be an option when my time comes; there is no way I will put my children through what we went through. If people want to cling on until the bitter end go ahead but don't ask me or my children to fund your thirst for immortality.

Brilliant post!

I agree. Great post. I was discussing this today with my 90 year old mum Whois still very with it and happy to discuss old age. We agreed society cannot cope with age expectancy having gone up so much

That’s really awful @Tara336 and utterly underhand of social services.

You’ve absolutely nailed it @CHIRIBAYA . This situation can’t continue but no government seems to have the balls to take it on. My Mum is absolutely wrapped in cotton wool in her care home - everything gets treated and she’s on 1-1 observations because she’s considered a fall risk. I think she’s had a total of three falls and no injuries.

I’d opt for euthanasia as soon as I show signs of being a burden. Even now if I developed cancer I’d refuse treatment as I’d rather die young than face years of dementia as I’m sure my Mum will have passed her Alzheimer’s gene onto me.

I was looking at the website of the local Bruderhof yesterday and thought how appealing it looked having no responsibilities. I've already told Dd not to get married or have kids so she can enjoy her life like my friend at work who has no husband, no kids, no local parents. Her life looks awesome, just pleasing herself. Nobody wanting picking up or asking when is dinner

I bet you wouldn't.
mum would have said the same 4 years ago. If you suggested she would like to have euthanasia now she'd be horrified. Even though she can't move or speak. The desire for life is very strong.

i suspect all of us saying we wouldn't put this on our children will be just like out parents when it comes to it. I've heard the same out of my parents' mouths over the years, yet here we are with constant guilt tripping and dramas constructed to get me over there when I'd planned other things.

sorry to piss on the bonfire