So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

Do they though ? Or, like us, they just feel they can't say what they really think and voice their thoughts because this is such a taboo subject.
maybe one of them is on this thread finally able to voice how they really feel. Maybe we should all be brave and start a conversation with friends in a similar situation.

it's a shame as a society we can't be more honest. But it's a woman problem. So we must shut up, be nice, put ourselves last and service everyone else's needs. While smiling and saying how fulfilling it is.
Many more parents would be going into homes if there were no convenient daughters/dil/female relatives to do the grunt work. Men wouldn't stand for the impact on their career and personal wellbeing.

elderly parent care is a feminist issue. That nobody gives a fuck about

elderly parent care is a feminist issue. That nobody gives a fuck about

Agree with this. My Uncle drives community transport for the elderly. When he refers to the relative’s caring and managing their everyday needs the default collective term is “the daughters”. No husbands, brothers or sons. The men have conveniently absented themselves from the situation. Because it’s working for free.
Meanwhile we lose 4-8 years life expectancy caring. It is not a blessing, a privilege or fulfilling. It’s emptied me out.

Have spoken to DM today she's visiting DF in the care home who has another chest infection, its being treated?! The agreement was we would let nature take its course but apparently since moving from MH unit to a care home we apparently need to agree to this all over again?! Surely that can't be right?

Anyway because today he's with it she's going to not say anything and let it be treated and is considering asking DF what he would like, I said that a bad idea as how with it is he? And will that set him off on another rage when he isn't so withit but remembers the conversation.

Dh took df, 90’s, back to his flat last Friday and did a supermarket shop to last until we go this Saturday.
Dsis has rung today to say df says he has no food ( he should have).
Apparently ndn asked if he needed anything and df said just milk. Dsis rang ndn and asked if df could add a couple of extra items to the list and df is furious with dsis for interfering.
Tbf df is cross about everything anyone does all of the time. He sees his dc as minions.

I think my dsis hit the nail on the head when a friend’s parent died and dsis admitted to dead parent envy!

Ha, so only his children are allowed to shop for him, and even when the neighbour offers he’s wouldn’t dream of asking for anything other than a pint of milk? That’s why he was angry about the “interfering” - he’s embarrassed to inconvenience his neighbour, right?

oh my, dead parent envy - I have this and I'd never say it out loud to anyone but my DH. His father died of a heart attack aged 81, having previously been frail but looked after by his wife - DH wouldn't have been able to name his GP or heart condition. Then his brilliant utterly independent, tennis-playing tech savvy mother died three years later of a very swift cancer (three months). Really horrible but had a very firm expiry date. She did all the downsizing and decluttering when his father died, with pretty minimal help from us.

Yeah, I'm envious and because DH is brilliant, he agrees. Doesn't say anything like, oh you're so lucky to have them alive, you'll miss them when they've gone or any of those pious things that occasional posters on here say.

Re. feminist issue, say it sister.

Did anyone else give a whoop and a go-girl to @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew and @Tara336 when they announced that they were going to what they needed to do for themselves for once. PLEASE stick to this - go to the gym, turn off your phone, do whatever you need to.

My DD was very ill for two years and that state of alert and raised cortisol aged me greatly, especially since it segued into a similar state for my parents. It's like what they said about Covid - that we can deal with threats if they are concrete and short-lived, but something amorphous and ongoing means that our cortisol gets raised and never properly depletes.

Further to that, @Valleyofthedollymix im extremely glad I did say no.

there was nothing wrong medically. The catheter had deflated and was replaced when the nurse came out. Had I dropped everything like he wanted me to I'd have driven 50 miles, had to drag Dd with me or leave her home alone, sit there all day for nothing. And I'd forgotten that I had to get DDs nails taken off for back to school tomorrow.

same shit, different day.

and I had the exact same Dead Parent Envy with one of my best friends. Her dad was diagnosed and dead within 4 months. All very quick and he died comfortably at home. Enough time to say goodbye but not enough time to become so jaded you wish they were dead just so you might finally have time to go swimming without one eye on the clock.

i'm always clockwatching. I'm always in the car. It's always time to go to the next Duty.

thank god for DH who is totally understanding when I shout "oh fuck off" at the phone ringing when I see it is DPs number calling. And many other of my less worthy reactions to the whole situation

I have a friend who is constantly posting photos of her amazing 90-year-old mother doing amazing things (going in a balloon! Dancing at a gig! Drinking cocktails!) who also lives so frugally that she gifts her children excess income every month and has done all her tax planning in advance. There are four of us on this particular group chat - her, me, one whose mum died last year and wrote a vindicative will and one whose mum died of dementia a decade ago.

I felt mean but eventually I had to say, I know your mother's brilliance doesn't make my mother any worse and I should be able to celebrate it, but I'm not sure this is the appropriate forum.

So it's possible to have live-parent envy too.

Certainly. I feel jealous of my friend whose dad died because she still has her mum. I miss my mum, the old mum, so much. She's there but she's not there and I feel a pang of jealousy every time claire meets her mum or they are doing something together. I have MIL and don't get me wrong she is wonderful and I love her so much but she's not my mum

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I got really good advice from a woman who'd gone to therapy to know how to deal with her demanding mother who had never been a great parent anyway. The therapist said, you have to treat it like a job - don't expect to enjoy it, take away the emotion and be ruthless about ringfencing. Say to yourself that the 'office' is only allowed to call you between 6-7pm in the evening and you're only on site one day a fortnight (or whatever works for you).

The thing is that my parents were really good parents. Kind and loving and my dad is such a lovely man. Or he was until this wrecking ball. Now he's just a lonely man who can't grieve because mum is physically there. He's incredibly generous, gives me money, buys things for us and pays for DDs school fees.

so I feel constantly guilty and ashamed of how I react because I totally understand why he reacts how he does. I'm the only person he has. At least I have Dh, Dd, mil and my friends at work. He has nobody but me and my aunty (his brothers ex wife).

it's a total mind fuck.

this was another bit of my horoscope courtesy of Glamour magazine

"A career goal or dream that involves publishing, public speaking or sharing information could see Pisces strike gold in 2024. Allow yourself to take a passion project more seriously and you might even see the magic of manifestation in action."

I was thinking maybe that was some piano goals but maybe it's telling me that I should do something with that seed in the back of my mind about writing a diary of mid life sandwich woman

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew start your sandwich book! We would all read it, and thousands of women across the country
And yes yes to the comment upthread about this being a feminist issue
We need a campaign. With articulate, connected spokeswomen.

@Valleyofthedollymix I'm sticking with putting myself first. DM was on the phone fretting about DF pension today and how it may be taken away as he's in a care home now i wished her well with sorting it and changed the subject. Old me would have said give me the details I'll.sort it...

Great post. So true.

My DM had been a nurse latterly in a geriatric ward. She had also worked in a Care Home - so lots of experience of death and dying but when she went into a Care Home herself refused to sign a DNR form which the Care Home insisted on. She was mentally alert but physically very limited and frail. 88 years old.

And this -They went on to say that the affect on families should NEVER be a factor. They always then go on to talk about some fantasy world were care is perfect and plentiful.
I think family should be considered but much of the distress for families is the poor care the dying relative is receiving - not cruel but not kind. AND the patient is often distressed.

I took DM to an appointment with her consultant this week and the consultant asked us if we had DNR in place. They recommended it on the basis that mum is so frail that “it wouldn’t work” but by default it would be carried out unless we’d instructed otherwise.

DB and I are in agreement that if her heart stops or she stops breathing then that’s just nature taking its course on an elderly frail woman. DM won’t engage in a conversation about it and the consultant said her capacity wasn’t there for the conversation so I’ve been directed towards her GP to get the paperwork sorted. Another job to add to the list…

@Valleyofthedollymix similar here, mum died recently, she made siblings executor and poa but of course they hadn't called anyone or dealt with paperwork. So pension etc overpaid my dad was hysterical and obviously wanting me to deal with it.....errrr I wasn't good enough to be poa or executor so not actually my problem.
It does make me feel mean but I am always expected to sort shit out.

@binkie163 so sad. You can't do it because you don't have authority. What a pity. 😁

@binkie163 had another call about it today and apparently DF can still have his full state pension as he's in care. Standing my ground obviously worked as DM sat on phone to DWP this morning to sort it. She complained how long the call wait was, how many options she had to ho through first etc and I just said well that's why I cant help anymore I have a job and your more then capable.

Well done, @Tara336

Stands up whopping and clapping for @Tara336 . It worked!

Note to future self: make all your wishes for end-of-life care, funerals, burials and headstones as clear and as pre-organised as possible. Currently trying to sort out my dad's interment. He was an artist who was obsessed with fonts - I knew what serif meant before I knew how to read. So I feel like I need to do well by him, but why didn't he leave any preferences? These decisions are so hard.

In tandem, we're having to work out where and how to bury our grandparents. My grandfather built his wife a totally vainglorious temple in my parents' then garden. When they moved house, my parents dumped the ashes and the stone plaque at the bottom of their new garden. For 20 years, Dad kept saying, oh I really should do something about that. Argggh.

@Valleyofthedollymix my dad has scattered my mum's ashes in the garden, she loved the garden but he is in his 90's the house most likely to be sold when the time comes. It will give him comfort for the time he has left but no one knows what his wishes are.

At least ILs made their wishes clear. I'm sure mum and dad discussed what they wanted but mum doesn't have a scooby anymore. She couldn't even name a single piece of music dad liked when we were sorting his funeral.