Elderly Parents and Crappy Childhoods?

[TurningtheLightOff]

Just as the subject line, really. My parents are very much getting on in age now, and I’m struggling with how I feel about that in terms of extending caring towards them due to a crappy childhood that they have always outwardly denied. My father is an alcoholic and my mother is narcissistic. They are both emotionally immature. I am low contact with them, but was never able to bring myself to cut contact entirely. I was the scapegoat of the siblings, for those who are aware of the terminology.

When I see them now, they are getting frail and there have been some health issues. I am the sibling closest in proximity but not the favoured child. But I don’t want to put my life on hold as they inevitably reach a point of needing more help. I guess I’m trying to get my head around the guilt that creeps in when I think about it, Vs still dealing with the ramifications of my childhood that seem to pop up when I least expect it.

To add to the mix, my partner is going through similar (different childhood traumas but equally impactful) so I’m trying to also navigate my desire to protect him from the manipulation heading his way Vs not wanting to dictate what he chooses to do (I’m a big believer in being there for him, and pointing out the pitfalls when he encounters issues with his folks, but I try very hard not to give him my opinion until he’s voiced where he’s at).

Any thoughts? How did/do you handle it if you are/have been in this situation?

No advice as such but just to say I understand your feelings. Similar childhood set up and narcissistic mother who's now very very ill and demands needs be met. I feel drained and deeply depressed. Pressure to play the role of dutiful daughter. Can't quite accept and embrace a full rejection of this. Always feel that I should model good values and selflessness even if she hasn't - but perhaps this is all part of the dance.
Have decided to step away next week and go away for a few days with my DCs. Kept it secret from Mum because I know she'll act out if she knows I'm not around.

I come from bog standard family…. Ish 🙈 honestly do what you want to do for your family.as long as you can live with it but please take into account screwed vision. Do What you actually want to do. Because people reap what they sow imo . Sometimes you need to look after yourself

Thank you for the comment. It’s nice to know someone gets it even though I’m sorry you do too!

I’m glad you’re choosing to go away for a bit. That’s so important. I admit I did a bit of a wry smile at the not telling her part - best defence against a narc!

You have my deep sympathies. Similar here with an elderly parent who is quickly becoming unable to look after themselves. They are nearly ready for a care home, but refuse and won't even pay for home help. Low contact and tbh it can be pleasant to speak to them, within limits, but throughout my childhood they were emotionally abusive, lots of hitting, constant personal criticism that left me suicidal, no love or affection, and blatant favoritism as adults as they gave my sibling tens of thousands while I literally went hungry. I did my best but it was never good enough.

I understand the PP who said they are deeply depressed. They could have prepared for old age by moving nearer family, but choose not to. They could pay for care but won't. They've never said to me that they expect me to help them, but who do they expect will? I know they say how awful I am to anyone who will listen. But I still feel very conflicted (and judged). It's easy to say you reap what you sow but when they are no longer here, I suspect I'll feel terrible guilt. Not that the parent ever felt an iota of guilt about how they treated me so I don't know why I feel like this. I am completely stuck and feel awful. Solidarity.

Solidarity! Mine is awful but I'm LC which helps. I'm far enough away that I can't just pop round easily which helps again. And I have a FT job and a primary-aged child so I literally can't just drop everything and run around after my parent.

Putting boundaries in place around phone calls has helped a lot - parent can't get hold of me during working hours. And someone on here told me about FOG and grey rocking them, which I do. Mine thinks I have v limited annual leave and it's really difficult to book because of fitting in with others and work is so busy. I mostly don't mention if I've booked leave (she hates it if leave is booked for anything other than visiting her!) In reality my manager is amazing and would bend over backwards to be flexible, plus I've bought extra annual leave!

I understand. I'm nc with my mum and my df passed away a decade ago.

The stately homes thread on here is really helpful.

Do you get on with/ have a relationship with your siblings? Could you speak to them and explain to them the situation and what you're willing/ not willing to do?

It's really difficult, being expected to care for parents who didn't care for you as a child. It's almost taboo. I was a dutiful daughter for years, the more I did the more they demanded. My husband was diagnosed with cancer last year and they were worse than ever, I just didn't have the energy to care for my husband and be at parents beck and call. It ended in the most awful argument and I didn't speak to my mother again.
I am learning about healthy boundaries, what is acceptable and what is emotional abuse on mumsnet, I wish I had known all this 40 years ago. You are entitled to your life and to decide what you do with it.

It's a difficult situation isn't it? My mother and stepfather are elderly and infirm. My stepfather is at the end of life and on palliative care. I care a lot for them both but find that I am often put on and expected to drop everything to do jobs, shop for them etc despite having 3 grandchildren of my own, a school age child and a full time job. My sister is 'always busy doing something' so they rarely ask her for help and they never ask my brother or stepbrother to help. Sometimes I feel like I never sit down. I sometimes resent them because they were very selfish as parents but I try to rise above those feelings by being the better person.. which is not easy since my mum is becoming more cantankerous as she's getting older..
I've always tried to make sure that my kids and grandkids get the nicest possible version of me. I would hate it if they harboured resentment towards me in my old age....
Deep breath.... sending out good vibes to you and others like us xx