Migrant adult children - Parents far away - advice on life/aging

[Combusting]

Not sure if this is the right board but for those of you here who are first generation migrants - how do you cope with aging parents far, far away?

I left my home country when I was 17, for higher education and well - 17 years down the line I’m a UK citizen, married to a British man and we are parents of two smalls in nursery and primary. My career has taken off remarkably and this is home.

Parents are half the world away, aging. Surrounded by a solid mass of their own siblings, nephews, nieces, friends - it’s a very populous country and they clearly have their own networks and systems utterly adeptly set up. They aren’t together but they have open Comms between them and plenty of support.

But their only child is half the world away. Dad has an angioplasty (3rd one!) due and mum in hospital getting tested for all sorts of complications.

what use am I? Just to ask for and get updated from Aunty X or Person Y? What is this sick feeling inside of my chest?

What do I do? They will inevitably age and decline. Shall I abandon my 3 year old, my 8 year old - and fly for the next 24 hours to find myself in a country I’ve never known as an adult and do what exactly for them? But it feels sickening to know that this is how it is. But how else can it be really?

They have not a single expectation of me. In fact they literally won’t even tell me news until problems have been resolved with the help of Aunty uncle cousin myriad rellies because apparently their grandkids should be the only focus alongside my life and work.

Why do I feel so awful? What am I meant to do as inevitably they will age and decline?

Why wasn’t I thinking of all this when that offer letter came through from a fab Uni all the way to my little town to my 17 year old hands in Asia? Why didn’t I think of this when I completed all my degrees and got my first job? Why didn’t I think of this when I met white Brit DH and had kids and settled here?

I’ve been going on like there’s no stopping me - WhatsApp’s and zooms and loads of kid pictures and presents from them and yearly visits when they fly in to see us for a fortnight.

but ultimately - they are aging and declining and there will be “biggie” illnesses and their only child with her own two smalls is half the world away.

not sure why I am posting. But I feel so yuck.

It is so terribly hard and I think the guilt is entirely normal. (I'm British, settled in the US for some 30 years now and an only child. Parents now dead, but it's definitely been very hard and I know what you mean about regretting all those choices made one by one that took you further and further from them.) But it sounds as though they have accepted that you are an independent person who has made their own path, and they are probably v proud of what you've achieved, and also that they do have a really good support network where they are. I don't think throwing everything up and going to live in a place you haven't known as an adult is the answer - you will probably feel resentful at giving up everything you've worked for. Do you have the resources to plan regular(ish) trips to see them?

I have nothing helpful to say, but just wanted to reach out with sympathy.
Second what Very said. They must have brought you up to be brave and independent, willing and able to start again in a different country. They must be so proud of you. And they must also feel that your relationship with them is strong and caring - that really comes across in your post.
Is there any way you could see them just a bit more often?

Oh they are incredibly proud of me. No doubt at all. They had a very toxic break up when I was 15, and my decision to get away from their mad, warring, split was very much linked to my departure. All that has of course settled now and history.

When we visit it’s all four of us and it takes 24 hours each way. It’s once a year. Either of them usually comes once a year too but it’s gradually going to get tough. I could in addition myself go at the mid year mark leaving the kids behind but it’s a big expense a long way out and the kids will struggle as it’s not a quick work trip to Norway or whatever…

not sure. Of course if there’s a biggie illness that changes everything..

they are very very networked though in networks of family and non family others. In fact we are way more isolated than them in comparison. Society there is also very communal.

As I said the 17 year old who left, left two very bitterly toxically warring splitting folks - frankly home life had Become unbearable. But strangely it’s not a situation where it developed into Stately Homes feelings - it all settled and mellowed between them and us over time and I can’t really mobilise any past anger to get past the distance between us!

What you can do is give them plenty of evidence of why they are proud of you. Send them frequent letters and photos. Their practical needs are met. You can satisfy their needs to feel they’ve done a good job, producing a daughter who has made her way in the world

They get every moment on WhatsApp - Star of the week, first word read by a 3 year old, cricket matches, awards of the kids, my work highlights, random funny moments - videos upon videos of the life and career their only child has made.

But the fundamental truth is: I am continents away. The people at their bedside (when they are at such a stage) are not me. They are my aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, colleagues, their former students who have kept in touch - the hundreds of people in their lives amidst the billion population of the country, and yes, 2 healthy state and private pensions after 2 long and successful professional careers.

But not me. I am not there. And I can never ultimately be anything except the sender and receiver of WhatsApps - audio/video/texts/images.

I think it might help to write down what you wish you could do for them and maybe say that to them or send it in an email - I wish I could be there and bring you your lunch and do your sundry for you or whatever it is. This helps both of you. It's a technique that adopted parents are encouraged to use 'if I'd met you the day you were born I would have done this and I would have cared for you this way etc' which helps heal the wounds of both of them knowing that that caring didn't happen.

But not me. I am not there. And I can never ultimately be anything except the sender and receiver of WhatsApps - audio/video/texts/images. And the daughter building a new life who they are so proud of. They won’t see it like you do. Don’t beat yourself up. Think what you’d say to your best friend if she were in a similar position. Then say that to yourself.

I think that you just have to accept that it is what it is and leave the caring and medical decisions to their wider family.

PIL are elderly and FIL is dying. BIL lives in Canada and came to visit a few weeks ago knowing that he would never see his father again. He was devastated by it but his ex wife and DC are Canadian so that is his home. To his credit he has never interfered with any decisions that we have had to make.

So in your shoes I'd visit as often as is feasible and make the most of FaceTime.

I am the 3rd generation in my immediate family to face this;

• my grandparents left the UK and settled elsewhere, leaving their parents in the UK
• my parents then left where my grandparents had settled and returned to the UK, whilst their parents remained where they had settled. One set of my grandparents died there, the other returned to the UK to be cared for by my parents as they had no other option.
• I left the UK, leaving my parents there and marrying and settling elsewhere.

I’m an only child and found it increasingly difficult to juggle as my parents had very little network to pick up the pieces. My young family and I have had to return to live near my parents recently due to this. I have to be honest and say I often wish I could just run away from the caring responsibilities. This now means DH’s parents, who thankfully are in better health and younger than my parents, now no longer have any of their children in the same country as them. We have all struggled with it over the years.

I think you have to do what you can in terms of communicating and helping but realise you can’t physically be there. The reality is that with a busy family life and career, your time would be limited even if you lived closer. I tried to tell myself that the one positive is that when you go and see them, you can wholeheartedly concentrate on time with them rather than trying to juggle it all. It doesn’t make it any easier but gave me some comfort.

It sounds like your parents have excellent support around them and enjoy hearing how you and your children are progressing and enjoying life. I genuinely think in letting them enjoy that pride through your regular communication is what they’d what you to focus on. Make visiting a priority when you can, but as long as you know your parents have the support around them they need, take what comfort you can from that. It’s not easy when you are far away.