It's so difficult dealing with elderly relatives!

[Tonight1]

I have to deal with solicitors, end of life facilities and all the paperwork.

I'm not in a good state at present with everything in my own life and I ordered a beautiful black silk dress in case of upcoming funerals. They saw it and said that it was so lovely. I didn't dare say it was in case of death. But in the two of them I would like to do them honour and wear something lovely for them. Arrrrgh! It's so difficult isn't it

It is hard. And some people reach a certain age and are suddenly unable from doing things that they have done for years and expect you to do everything for them. The mental toll is so hard.

It is so hard. I spent the entire morning trying to sort out various appointments my Dad needed, and then he wasn't happy with how I had done it, although he isn't able to do it.

I'm really struggling with the balance of just dealing with things efficiently in my own way, vs him trying to micro manage everything. I feel like he is treating me like his secretary :(

It's a bloody lot harder being the elderly relative.

I'm sure it isn't at all nice being so elderly and unable to do for oneself but I am really trying my hardest to do the best for him, and he keeps chopping and changing everything and not a word of thanks.

I spent nearly 2 hours trying to get through to his GP surgery this morning, to be told they are at capacity today and try again tomorrow and call 111 if we need urgent but non emergency help. I then booked an appointment with a private geriatrician for tomorrow, on the advice of a friend who is a palliative care consultant.

I told Dad this and he told me to cancel it. I then booked him a private GP appt for this afternoon and we went. Dad told the GP about the geriatrician and the GP said it was a great idea. Dad came out the appointment saying that he will attend, but only because the GP said he should. I guess I should be pleased he is going, but I really am trying to do my best for him and get him the best care possible.

I am trying, but he doesn't trust me with it, and I am struggling to do this all as well as my work - and I 'only' work part time...

I spoke to my son today when I was at the end of my tether and I told him I give him full authority to one day tell me that he is more than capable of looking after me and to leave him to it without me micro managing him.

Of course. But if you have to drop everything and be at their beck and call at all times it can be exhausting.

@nervesonnerves emphasise, I spent some time this morning on the phone to solicitors about it. Care home is inevitable now.

Just coming here to say that I’ve been fighting off the tears today.
I look after Mum and although she is easy, this year has been a pig due to a health problem (hers) and all the appointments and admin that comes with it. Also her house has never been touched since the day she moved in and this year I’ve had loads of problems with wear and tear. This week I’ve had two extra maintenance issues and the last one today has pushed me over.
I feel exhausted. No one knows how exhausting it is with the upbeat facade I present to her, the emotional support and all that I do. Not my husband or siblings.
Not looking for answers as I don’t think there are any, I just need to change my way of dealing with it all and not get so stressed. I just wanted to write it down as I agree with the title of this post 💐

I really don't think thats true. I'm not saying it's not hard, but I genuinely don't think it's harder than dealing with the issues posters here are dealing with.

You've obviously never been in the situation that some of the posters here have been have you?

@tescocreditcard I have had an elderly parent who needed caring for. I've done the Xmas day dash to a hospital praying I'm not too late, the frustration of not understanding their refusal of medical help etc.

now I'm the old relative. Believe me, it's a bloody lot harder, living with your dwindling capabilities and accepting your time is coming to an end. My body is ready to pack it all in, my brain? Well, that's a lot harder.

have you lived with that situation?

I'm confused. So they aren't dead yet?

Is it?

I went shopping for my parent's funeral outfit before they'd actually died. Just because I knew they were going to imminently and figured it was easier. In one store, I explained what I was looking for and they said they were sorry for my loss so I looked a bit of an idiot saying, "Oh, they're not dead yet". 😂

At the third funeral this year (recently, so quite chilly) I realised I could do with a smart black hat...

Apropos the other thing. Not an elderly parent but we have a friend who had a huge stroke a few years ago. She had a problem with her eye over a week ago but refused to go to the first appointment made for her (by A&E, who had been checking she'd not had another stroke). By the time she was chivvied there, the doctor was saying things like, "we have to be realistic" (not good) and now she's been admitted.

I GET that she's fed up of feeling crap, of being unwell, of being poked and prodded and often with little or no benefit. The trouble is, she's too tired to organise a RESPECT form with her GP or think coherently, but she still has capacity. I think it's an unsolvable problem - that along with accepting "people get old and sick and die", we have to expect (if not encourage!) that this comes with a certain amount of self-defeating behaviour.

I agree. All the elderly relative has to do is be the elderly relative that needs looking after. We have to do the looking after while sometimes juggling our own health issues and any other difficult circumstances we might be in. I think that's harder.

The elderly person has to cope with their declining ability and their lack of agency over their life. Yes, you’d like nothing better than sitting in a chair all afternoon being brought a cup of tea. But if you’re in the same chair all day, every day, you would really love a cup of peppermint tea, but the carer hasn’t arrived to give it you, and when it does arrive it’s ordinary black tea with too much milk. The pain is killing you from the sores from the rash from your incontinence pad and there’s nothing you can do about that either. You’re feeling desperately lonely, you can hear a noise in the kitchen and are petrified as to what it may be.

It’s a different sort of suffering. But whereas the carer has choices - if it weren’t for the guilt, they could step back and tell SS they were doing no more, and, of course, the elderly person will die eventually. The elderly person has no choices.

I think you should start your own thread about your own difficulties, it's not helpful to shut down other people in this way.

The op has legitimate feelings. So do you. It's not an either/or situation.

It’s a different sort of suffering. That the carer will endure too.

We all get old - it’s not nice and it ain’t pretty.

But some of us get there without decades of exhaustion and stress from care work.