Dads still here but it’s hard

[Dontbesaft]

My dad has always been my rock (sorry I know overdone but can’t think of a better description.)

He turned 95 last week, we had a fab party with his very closest friends. Cake, fizz and helium balloons. He was delighted as were we.

Since then he has had another fall. He must be incredibly bouncy as he gets bruises but no breaks.

After a year of 4x per day carer calls, which we self fund , one hour each call, we are now debating if a care home is where he needs to be. He always spoken vehemently about wanting to die in his home, we have tried to respect that.

Today I have started to look into care homes but the reports are poor. He lives in a town which is poor and that seems to be reflected by the home quality. My brother lives 1.30 hours away in a very nice city, I live 45 minutes away in somewhere similar.

Many times over the years I tried to get him to move nearer to me. He declined as recently as 12 months ago. I could have bought him somewhere without him having to sell his house (60 years owned.)

He was born into poverty, so his nice, but normal house was his measure of how much he had achieved.

According to friends who work in care, he could fall in the same circs and be left as long 15 mins before being found. He has never yet been left after a fall that long in his own home.

I feel so guilty. I have tried him at my house but the distance, strange layout, much older house (steep steps), lack of friends dropping in and trying to transfer care have meant it didn’t work.

i just feel like I am failing the man who gave me and my sons such a great start in life.

I feel for you, similar situation increasingly frail dad, some dementia, wants to stay at home has a self funded care package,but is having falls. I'm considering 'live in' care, not cheap, but still cheaper than a 'nice' nursing home. Speak to your local carer charity Carers Trust are good. The area would be where your dad is because they go on where the cared for person lives.

How is he mentally? What does he want now?

It sounds like he still wants to live at home and is still able to enjoy it. If that is right, you could have a look at live-in care. It doesn't necessarily cost more than a care home (though of course you have house bills on top).

What exactly would you be hoping residential care could do for him that his current care package can't? If he's home alone and not lying on the floor for hours after a fall (waiting for someone/ambulance) then he's got amazing care in place. How is he being attended/lifted so quickly at home?

Does he have a pendant alarm that he could press if he falls?

I think he probably will fall. People do. People will also fall in care homes - my mum probably won't fall any more but thats because she is completely immobile and her life is awful. I'd think twice before you uproot him tbh. There is a lot to be said for being in his own place. But at some point there will be a fall or an illness that he won't recover from, that's true. It won't be your fault.

Be careful you are not prioritising your anxiety about his safety over his happiness from his wishes being respected. Several years miserable in a care home but 'safe' may be not what he would choose over several months in his own home with some risk