Moving away from widowed mum

[EmilyMK1]

Hello,

Hoping for a bit of advice. We currently live about 1.5 hours away from my mum, who still lives in our family home. We lost my dad a couple of years ago. She is healthy, active, early 70s, and has local hobbies/friends who she sees, though she of course struggles with her grief and loneliness. I don't have siblings and we don't have any other family members - she is an only child and nobody on my Dad's side is still with us.

My mum currently visits us once a week which is fine for her - she comes on the train. This time is very important to her and she often says things like how the kids are her reason for living/her biggest joy etc

My dilemma is - we need to move. We are in a big city and our kids are getting bigger and we need more space. We can't afford what we need in this area, or near to her. I'm really confused about what we do, because if we limit our search to places that she can get to easily, we are casting such a narrow net and compromising hugely on key things like property, lifestyle, schools. There are several places we are interested in but all of them are at least 2.5-3 hours away from her, some more, so not really places she'd be able to visit weekly. I'm also conscious that as she ages even the current distance will feel bigger.

If we asked her, she would definitely say we should do what is right for our family, but I know it would really impact her quality of life and I feel a huge sense of responsibility. But we will probably only move once in our children's childhoods and I don't want to feel like we aren't going where we want to go, or designing the life that we want for them.

Essentially I am torn - between my loyalty to my mum, and wanting her to be OK, with what we want for our family's happiness and financial stability. Has anyone had this challenge that can give any advice?

Obviously one solution would be for my mum to move but she has a life set up where she is and I think it would be the wrong thing for everyone for her to leave that behind.

People move counties and countries all the time so I can't be alone in having this dilemma - I just don't know how to resolve it! I either feel resentful at the idea of having to shape my family's future around my mum, or guilty at prioritising my family. Please help!

Thanks so much for reading

Don't feel guilty! You want to priortitise your family, and she wants you to prioirtise your family. You actually agree on the right thing to do!
But, being practical, any chance a new house with a granny flat is an option?

If you find you dream house/ area you can sit down with her and have a real discussion about how future visits will be.

But in advance, given her age, it is a good idea to sit down with her anyway and discuss what her plans are. Stay in her current house indefinitely, donwsize, assisted living, care at home etc.. all the what if's.

I am struggling this myself, my father is getting on and refusing to acknowlegde that his current lifestyle/location isn't going to work for much longer. He wants to hold out, till he has to make a change, I want to him to make adaptations, basically move, now while he has choices.

Kind and sociable people are good at making friends and setting up a new life. Your mum moving at same time/with you may not be as hard as you think.
Sounds like you need to have a full and honest discussion with her.

It is kind of you to consider your mother when making your plans but bear in mind that currently you are 1.5 hours away and there is not really any advantage to being that far away rather than 3 hours.

The best solution as others have said is for her to move near to you before she becomes trapped being possibly unable to travel for the 1.5 hours (even by train) to visit you.

Talk to her about it in detail - she says you should prioritise your family and she may well see that much as she loves her family home - there will come a point within the next 5-10 years when her life may become much more restricted (I speak as a 77 year old who recently moved nearer my own small family)

Bear her in mind when you move - would there be anywhere for her to move to where she could visit you easily and still have access to activities, hobbies and new friends?

Can she visit less frequently but stay longer?

Sensible for her not to move straight away - she’d be giving up a lot, and you can’t replace it. It’s not necessarily true that “Kind and sociable people are good at making friends and setting up a new life.” - those friends may have been a long time in the making and not easily replaced.

My dad moved to be near us at 83, and threw himself into community groups and made a new life. So it is possible. But he is emotionally tougher than most of us.

Do talk to her about it. Make clear the move has to happen, but find out what she wants to do.

How old are your kids? You might find that a weekly visit is great when they're tiny, but stops you doing a lot of activities as they get older (my experience with a widowed grandparent) and they develop their own interests, hobbies and friendships. It might be moving away but she comes for a long weekend every six weeks works better for everyone.

Bear in mind that as she gets infirm/frail being 1.5 hours away is not much different to being 2-3 hours away. You still can't just pop round, drop shopping off or take her to an appointment easily so that won't make much difference.

Mine was heading to being very dependent on me after she was widowed, but that would have prevented me meeting a partner or having a career so I moved five hours away.

This sounds awful but could she put any money in so you could buy a bigger place in current location?

I just think as she gets older 1.5 hrs each way is just about doable in a day, but not any further, so it's really for her benefit if you stay in the same area.

If I was your Mum I'd tell you to move. Could she stay a little longer but come every two weeks? Could you find a place where she can travel to same distance but then you pick her up and drive the rest of the way?

It may be that in a few years she wants to move anyway as her friends because older and less active or die. Old age is pissing me off today.

Obviously one solution would be for my mum to move but she has a life set up where she is and I think it would be the wrong thing for everyone for her to leave that behind

What makes you say that? That it would be the wrongthing for everyone. Do you or your husband not want that? Fair enough if you don't.

You write she often says things like how the kids are her reason for living/her biggest joy etc, so it would appear that proximity to her family is more important than friends and hobbies.

And, of course, she's going to encourage you to go as that's what a loving parent would do. It doesn’t mean she wouldn't love the chance to go with you.

this is from the perspective of someone who is 10+ years further down the line with a mum in her mid 80s.

You have to live your family life for you, including making the best decisions on what works for your husband and kids, work, schools and all of that. Your mum sounds like the kind of woman that knows and supports that, because your life still has to work after she’s gone (we’re all mortal).

However, you do need to sit down with her and have a hard conversation about how she sees the next few years, what she thinks is going to happen if/when she gets ill, frail etc. Its all too easy to put your head in the sand and put it off thinking you’ll deal with it if and when it happens. But potentially in 10+ years time you’ll be trying to support an elderly mum while dealing with teenagers and the menopause. I live about 1.5 hours from my mum and lose a day a weekend going over every week. It’s a killer.

my MIL is the same age, better health but further away and won’t come to see us any more as the distance is too far even for a train, so DH goes to stay once a month and tries to support over the phone.

So you moving, her staying or moving closer to you - it all needs thinking about hard and the pros and cons considered while everyone is in good health and able to have a rational conversation. Don’t let her fob you off from having the talk or getting upset etc. Has she done a will/LPA? That might be a good start to approaching the topic of “The future” and her wishes.