Can't cope with two lots of caring responsibilities

[chickensaresafehere]

I'm a full time carer for my dd who has a disability. Mum (84)lives on her own (dad died 6 years ago-dementia) doesn't go out as isn't very mobile & has just recently broken her wrist. She cannot care for herself (e.g wash,make food etc),so comes to my house (I pick her up) & spends the day then I take her home in the evening. I am an only vmchild & mum has no living relatives.
We have contacted social services for a needs assessment but realise this will probably take ages.
I am really struggling & stressed dealing with two lots of caring responsibilities but see no other way. But I'm really not sure how long I can physically & mentally do it for.
My dd has a social worker. Would it be worth contacting her & letting her know?

Yes. Definitely contact your DDs social worker.

And also contact the people assessing your DM & tell them of the urgency.

Can your mum afford to pay for some private care?

Yes,I suppose she could. But it's if she'll except it,but I can't go on like this for long.

I am going to ring dd's social worker today & the adult social care team & let them know the urgency of the situation.

It's one of those situations where you're probably too run off your feet to find out all the alternatives. Plus if you do it all, no-one will step in, so definitely start to contact people.

Age Uk have a helpline too, they might be able to help. 0800 678 1602

You can get an urgent care assessment, you'll need to push but your DD's social worker may be able to help too. The likely outcome is a care package which your mum will need to fund if she has over £23k in liquid assets, to be honest they will just then give you a list of agencies so if she is in that category you can just go ahead and sort out at least some help privately.

be really open about not coping

Nothing helpful to suggest only sympathy ❤️. When my late father was terminally I'll, I had a young DD, teenage DS with several depression (later found out way too late, rapid cycle bipolar disorder and some) I worked ft nights. F had live in girlfriend (both late 60s) once a week I did an 80 miles round trip commute to look after him, while she did a similar commute to go and look after her DM who was in her 90s. I didn't get to sleep after that night shift, they wanted me to go twice a week I said I just couldn't do it! It's bloody hard, being the sandwich generation. Especially after being told on another thread here, how chushy us baby boomers got it!

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Make that call and ask for help.
There’s only so much you can do and it’s time to look after yourself as well as your daughter and Mum.

Caring for a parent is just so hard. Please accept any help offered x x

please insist on your mum accepting some help from carers etc. I know elderly people can be very stubborn but this does no one any good and you need to look after yourself and prevent burnout.
Hopefully your mum could still come to you on some days, and/or for shorter sessions. Tell her your DD must be the priority and you can’t do everything so a compromise must be worked out. You will still help your mum but not all day every day.

Have things changed in the last four years,or is this regional variation? My dad was self funding but still had LA care.

OP, if your mum needs help washing, having meals, etc, she may be eligible for Attendance Allowance which would help pay for care.

One piece of advice (as I've been in a similar situation) is to make it very clear to Adult Social Care how much little you are prepared to do for your DM. Eg you can pick up some shopping when you go to the supermarket but you are not able to help her shower/dress every day. Their budgets are stretched and they will be very keen for you to carry on taking the strain! My DM was self funding but Social Care found the carers for us - but that was 9 years ago. I have heard (in some areas at least) that Social Care won't get involved in that once they've established it will be a self funding package.
My DM was very reluctant to have carers anyone in the house but was forced into it after my DF died suddenly and my DM broke her hip in a fall very shortly afterwards.
We employed a cleaner for her, did her food shop online to be delivered to her, dealt with any paperwork when we visited but actually took her out on a day out at the weekend as that was the only time she could go out. We now have happy memories and photos of those trips out rather than remember the strain and jobs it put on our family - DH very much helped too with gardening but we had to use most of our 7hrs a week respite for our own DD for over 2 years in order to help me DM.

God - how very stubborn elderly people are! (please read in sarcasm!)

I was a SW with elderly people and the advice you have been given above is right. If your Mum has money over the threshold she will be assessed to pay for her help - so you might just as well research some local care online and get on and organise it. But I suspect that your Mum will be reluctant to agree to this because the help she is getting from you carries with it the company of you and your family, which probably feels like a real lifeline to her.

If she is reluctant it will not be due to stubbornness but to an entirely understandable fear of loneliness/ of falling and breaking something else/ of losing control of her life.

I can see both sides of this: her loneliness and fear, and your exhaustion. It is such a common situation and not one that our social care set up is good at solving.

Perhaps start researching help for her now and keep the discussion going along the lines of: we need some help in place mum for when your plaster comes off (or whatever date you chose). I know it is hard as you are obviously sensitive to her fears and needs.

Take heed oh Mumsnetters! - we will all be elderly and in this situation one day!

@Mischance no one is saying elderly people shouldn’t be cared for. And I’m sure we all hope that if we are struggling and need help to manage when we are elderly that someone will assist us.
the issue is that very few people can have a full time unpaid carer to devote every day to them. People like the OP have other responsibilities to care for a disabled child etc, and her own life and probably a job as well. So the elderly person needs to see what’s reasonable and accept help from elsewhere to lighten the load on her daughter. It doesn’t mean her daughter doesn’t love her nor that she won’t ever help out.
So the elderly parent needs to compromise.

Have made phone calls today to adult social care,children with disabilities social care & the gp surgery.
Adult SC told me to ring the gp surgery & tell them I'm struggling to cope.
Dd's social worker is off work . This happens a lot post covid. We have never had a SW stick around for long,they're either off on long term sick or they've left. I've never seen the most recent one! But my details have been passed on to the duty SW.
Gp's surgery said they will pass my concerns on to the duty doctor & ring me back.
I'm thinking no one will call now,but you never know.
Why is it all so hard??

It is all so hard because no government wants to grasp the nettle of reforming social care. Nor have they looked into the position of carers - because the service is so drastically underfunded and chaotically organised the authorities latch on to the presence of a family member - usually a daughter - and use this as a reason to put their needs at the bottom of the list, whilst they move on to deal with someone with no family who is unsafe and has to take a higher priority.

JussathoB - I know that no-one is saying that elderly people should not be cared for and the needs of carers taken into consideration. I am just trying to get people to realise that what might seem to us as stubborn, might in fact be fear. Old people have so much to contend with: declining health, loneliness, grief at loss of their spouse, loss of their friends and contemporaries. Is it any wonder they are frightened and wary of change? But they are not being burdensome by choice.

The issue of carers' needs was embodied in the Carers' Act which entitled every carer to a thorough assessment of their needs. And what happened? SWs were obliged to do these assessments in the full knowledge that they were utterly meaningless and no help followed the assessment. LAs could tick the box to say the assessment had been done and that was that.

When the candidates for the next election come knocking at the door you know what to ask them!

It’s also hard because generally, most people would prefer to think they can either cope themselves and if they can’t, that one of their children, usually a female one, will step in to care for them. To be fair this is how families / communities have worked for millennia. But it doesn’t work with our lifestyles today.

when DFIL had a hip replacement and needed help with personal care at home, he had to find and pay for a temporary private carer to do so. He wanted SIL to do it: to somehow fit visiting him three times a day around her own full-time job and her own child / family commitments. Because he didn’t want a stranger in his house and because he expected her to do it. She didn’t. She organised shopping, cleaning and visited daily for company - but she left the toileting, showering, medication and eating etc to a paid carer who came three times a day. FIL ended up enjoying the company - his care was from Fiji so had lots of interesting stories to share.

so, with respect, you can take a step back. If your mum has the money, you pay a carer to do the personal care. And you can visit, support, etc. But you don’t have to do everything, even if she wants you to.

I am an only child, and was nursing, ironic really because my late father didn't approve of me doing that! He paid me for the fuel,I actually felt uncomfortable taking it, but it was 40 miles each way.

Ricky. You put it far better than I could. I get angry sometimes that it is all down to me. I dont get siblings telling me what to do which actually is good. I am more than capable of telling them where to go however in the middle of all of this you have a parent raging, being difficult not following instructions etc. The also come in different flavours. My Father had to wait until he was on his knees until he asked for help and by then he did need to move into a care home. He was accepting of this by then but he had come to me.

My Mum on the other hand is more complex. Wants to live independently but doesnt necessarily know how to do it properly so I do it. Get carers in once a day, supervision of showers etc but she has now decided its all very easy.

THAT IS BECAUSE I AM DOING ALL THE GRUNT WORK IN THE BACKGROUND!!