Practical arrangements after a loss, what happens next?

[Violet80]

Neither of us has lost a parent before so not had to deal with this situation before - sadly my partner's elderly dad passed away in hospital yesterday after a heart attack, it was all very sudden but not unexpected as he'd been steadily declining in health over the last few years.

Dp has been asking me what he needs to do next, with any practical arrangements so he can help his mum. He's taken today off work to go and be with her, he's not sure yet how much leave he'll need to take, he's self employed so obviously no compassionate or paid leave. He thinks a few days or a week, depending on how much his mum needs him, as she lives a few hours drive away so it will be full days taken off work with the travel time. I've suggested taking things one day at a time, but dp wonders if he should just phone the client and say he won't be able to work for x amount of days now, rather than check in daily? He doesn't really have any idea how much help his mum will need yet.

I can't go with him today due to dc and school runs / childcare. We don't have anyone else apart from my own elderly parents, who are both in their 80's and unwell with various conditions that mean they're both too frail to help with childcare. Dp keeps asking me questions about what happens next, and I want to support him with any practical things I can but we're not sure what needs to be done!

Dp's mum's in shock and he wants to help her and take the lead but we don't really know about the next steps. Do dp and his mum need to go back to the hospital today for his dad's things? Does the hospital issue the death certificate? Would his dad be kept there (in the hospital mortuary) until a funeral director's been appointed? Dp will talk to his mum about funeral arrangements today and about finding a local business who will hopefully be able to advise and help them with most things. Dp and his mum are in pieces and he's asking me what happens next with practical arrangements, I feel a bit clueless and naive and just want to support him in any way I can, emotionally is natural, but having not been through this before we both feel a bit clueless and rabbits in the headlights about what comes next.

I'm sorry that this has happened.
The hospital usually has a pack called something like "What to do when someone dies" which they will probably give to your DH or MIL.
You need the death certificate, in order to arrange the funeral. If there needs to be a post mortem they can usually issue an interim one. Your DH or MIL then needs to register the death with the local council, who will issue the death certificate. Get several copies of this as they will need to send them off to places simultaneously.
The hospital will release him to the funeral directors once all the paperwork is issued. They will usually guide you through the next steps.
Most (not all) local authorities have a "Tell us once" system whereby they inform a lot of the people who need to know (eg state pension etc).
I imagine something like Age UK will have guidance.
Edited for typos

I'd recommend calling a funeral director now and they'll keep your husband right with the process.

You will need a death certificate but that won't stop them starting the process. Once the certificate is issued they can move your FIL to the funeral home from the hospital.

There's more to think about than you realise but the professionals know what they are doing and will hopefully be a good support.

Age UK page:
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/

When my FiL died my husband stayed with his mum for about 10 days. It was quite a large estate and needed a lot of admin with paperwork and clearing his desk finding details of accounts all over the place.

When my DF died my uncle had already said he would sort everything out. We rang him as soon as we had the news and he brought the undertaker to the house - DM was disabled. The undertaker talked us through everything we needed to do and it was very simple. There was paperwork to collect from the hospital so the death could be registered together with DF's belongings and then we arranged the funeral. The paperwork from the hospital included details of who we needed to contact etc. We would not have had a clue where to start but the undertaker was amazing - he was the perfect man for the job.

I would suggest your DH immediately plans to take at least a week off. He will need that time himself let alone to help his mother.

I'm going through this at the moment. I had no idea what to do, about an hour after my dad died I went onto the ward and said "what do I do now", they gave me a booklet which helped. I called the local funeral directors and explained I didn't know what I was doing, they were amazing. Explained everything step by step, through the whole process.

MIL died this year. She steadfastly refused to discuss her wishes for the funeral, leaving her children to guess what to do.

There was a service in the crematorium, DH and his sister had to:

1. plan the order of service - choose her favourite hymns, a reading from the bible, some photos of her, the eulogy
2. decide who will give the eulogy - they couldn’t face it and the vicar agreed to do it
3. brief the vicar on MIL’s life, so she could write the eulogy
4. get the order of service printed
5. organise a venue, catering and which menu for the wake
6. decide where to scatter the ashes (some time later)

They have also had to clear the house (and MIL had kept papers going back 60 years), find the important papers like bank accounts, shares, insurance policies; let the extended family choose mementos, take the decent stuff to charity shops, the junk to the tip and get house clearers to take the furniture away. Clean the house. Sell the house in their case. Open up an executors’ bank account to administer the estate after probate.

The funeral directors will guide them through it all - the ones who dealt with my mum and dads deaths were so kind and helpful (even though things were changing day by day as it was the beginning of COVID) and let me know what I needed to do.
But initially, choose a FD, contact the bereavement office at the hospital, and download the Which guide to 'what to do when someone dies' - I found that very helpful to work through.
When it comes to the appointment with the registrar, they will need the birth certificate and wedding certificate as they ask questions about dates and places. They'll then issue the death certificate, and it is very useful to get a couple of extra copies then as the originals need to be sent off and its much cheaper to get them at the time

Are registrars doing in-person appointments now, or have they kept the telephony process from the covid era? When my dad died in 2021 everything happened by telephone or online. It was efficient.

I've never needed the birth or marriage certificates (2 parents who died & I registered the deaths) so don't panic if you don't have them. They will tell you what you need before you attend the meeting (no idea if they are still on line).

A good first step is to appoint a funeral director. When my mum died suddenly, we didn't know what to do either but the funeral director really helped us. They'll help you decide what sort of funeral you want and budget depending, they can do as much or as little as you want them to.

Here are some of the things I wish I'd known beforehand. Maybe some of this will be useful!

1. Government's 'Tell us once' service is great as when you inform them, they'll cancel any benefits/state pensions plus cancel things like driving licences/passports etc. Also be aware that if your MIL is in receipt of benefits, these may need to be reassessed now her husband has passed. But this service will trigger all of those processes.

1. If you have to ring companies/utilities etc to take names off accounts or provide new bank account details, definitely ring their bereavement line rather than go through normal customer service. The service is quicker and the staff are specially trained. Most big companies have this.

1. If anyone offers to help, say yes! Sometimes our inclination is to say no but in those first weeks after a death, people are often very keen to help and if they are practically minded, give them jobs to do or ask if they'd be willing to drop off a meal or something. After my mum, we had people do some ironing or drop off some food and others just offered to sit with my dad so I could get out for a bit.

This is a very tough time with lots of complicated emotions but my experience is that there's a lot of help out there. I hope you're able to navigate your way through it ok!

Sorry for your loss, its such a shock when it's not expected. You or your dh will need to go to the hospital bereavement office at some stage to collect the cause of death certificate and his belongings but ring them first as its often an appointment system. I would also contact a local funeral director to let them know he has died and you want their services. His death will need to be registered at the local Registrars office but again ring them first to make the appointment they will issue the death certificates so you can arrange his funeral. They will also offer you the Tell Us Once service where they can inform the council, pension, tax offices,

Best thing is to sort out a funeral director then they will guide you through the process.
They will collect his body from the hospital, discuss burial/cremation. I have a vague recollection that if cremation and they have a pacemaker that needs to be removed. Also additional piece of paper needed for cremation. Then you book an appointment with the registrar to register the death. They offer an option tell us once to cancel all his government type stuff - pension, passport, driving licence tax etc.

I think you require his birth certificate and marriage certificate too to register the death but the funeral director will know for sure. Then it's a case of cancelling bank accounts etc.
I think a week off sounds realistic at this stage if his mother lives a long way away, obviously funeral as well.

Registering the death is important not to forget - if there isn’t a post-mortem it has to be done within 5 days.

I read some advice the other day which said don’t rush to tell banks - the account will be frozen and so will all direct debits. But tell DWP quickly so there’s no overpayment of pension needing to be paid back.

This is excellent advice. In the meantime they will keep him in hospital morgue until death certificate is issued. Think about which funeral director MiL might like. Undertaker will go through all options like which coffin they'd like, cremation or burial plot, flowers or not, service or not etc with Mil and your DH.