Need some advice desperately please

[BeauticianNotMagician81]

Hi, I don't know if anyone is or has been in a similar situation but I'm after any words of wisdom. My Dad has never been hands on. Parents divorced when I was in my late teens and my dad moved in with his parents. He helped my grandma when my grandad got ill. Then stayed in the house until my grandma passed away. Both grandparents had dementia. I think Dad is going the same way but the health professionals disagree. I haven't lived near my Dad (about an hour and a half away) for 15 years and he hasn't visited once in that time. Anyway he is of limited mobility, isn't washing or making it to the bathroom, is deaf (but refuses to pay to fix his hearing aids and won't let me), won't pay for carers, house isn't suitable and he refuses to leave. Because of his situation with my grandparents he thinks me and my siblings can just drop everything to look after him. DB is 40 minutes away, sister is abroad.

I have four DC, run my own business and my husband mostly works away. All of the extended family are calling on me to take responsibility but it's making me ill. The social worker said I should get POA while Dad is still seen as having mental capacity. That's proving tricky as I can't find anyone to sign the certificate as I can't physically get him to the GP etc as I wouldn't be able to hold him up. What do I do? How do you reason with someone that is impossible?

@sixteenfurryfeet oh thanks so much for that information. I didn't realise that was an option. I'll speak to the solicitor about it when he calls. That is the impression I get from the social worker that they just want to pass the responsibility on. She did say is there no way I can move back near him. I don't want to just leave him to it and I will do what I can but neither do I want to be going to sort everything out constantly. I don't know how anyone does this. It's like you are expected to give up your whole life and the family you have to look after your parent/s. I would struggle, mentally, physically and financially. I think most people would.

Yes because it's a lot easier and cheaper for the SWs to have family members (usually women) doing all of this than have to put care and support in place.

And in the past people (women!) did drop everything to go and care for elderly parents. I knew one in her 90s who was refused permission to marry because she was expected to care for her parents. Another one now almost 80 who never married, moved back to live near parents and went very part-time before retiring in her 50s so she could care for them.

But it's very different now - we work later, have our children later, are more likely to live elsewhere because of jobs or housing availability, pensions are a lot worse, house prices mean rent/mortgage needs two incomes.

Social workers to tend to want family to take on the burden, because it means there is less for them to do (and costs a lot less). It is, however, often completely untenable and out of the question. A solicitor can do POA, and they simply deduct their fees from the account of the person whose affairs they are managing. It is very well regulated though, they can't just help themselves.