Difficult situation

[Unicornshorn]

My parents are both in their mid 70's and for as long as I can remember have had a volatile relationship. My Mum is also a recovering alcoholic but has mostly abstained for a long time. When things were at their worst, I lived at home and took on a lot of the stress and running the household whilst my older sister left and was supported financially to pursue their medical training. My sister has been quite detached over the years whilst I have done the most visiting, helping my parents etc. My sister is now married and tried to make more of an effort, but her relationship with my Dad is really difficult whereas I am more attached to him. My mother constantly calls and messages me with all the things he has done to anger her and I am expected to listen and take her side. His cognitive function seems to be declining and he is getting very short tempered with her, but she is also very negative and antagonistic in the way she speaks to him. I have been really upset as I don't know what to do, I have always felt like I have had to take on their issues and try and fix them. There have also been times where my mother had started drinking again, blaming his behaviour. My sister takes her side and it just all goes around again. I have battled with low mood and low confidence for years, I don't like change and unpredictability so I live a very quiet, uneventful life. I have two children myself and if it wasn't for them sometimes I just feel it would all be easier if I wasn't here. There have been a few times I've tried to tell my parents how things have affected me, but they are so wrapped up in themselves. I have never caused them any worry and even though I'm an adult, I feel the need for their approval and never tell them about any problems as I don't think they could cope. I feel resentful towards my sister for leaving me with it for so long. Now that my Dad seems to be getting more fragile but also more frustrated at my mother I'm really worried about the future and something awful happening. That was helpful just writing that down, but any advice welcome.

This is a tricky situation for you OP and I don’t think there are too many easy answers unfortunately.
its obviously worrying but the reality is that many older people live lives that are less than ideal. It’s sad but it won’t be helped by you becoming depressed and upset.
Perhaps more boundaries would help you. Somehow you need to get the concerns over your parents into a more manageable space so you can take a break and practise more self care. Perhaps you only speak/visit once or twice a week? Perhaps you tell your mother you are not going to listen to her complaints for longer than five minutes.
On other days block their calls and go exercise/do hobby/sleep so you feel better.
Seek external help. Try Age UK, Gp, ultimately a social worker for advice on how to support your parents without doing it all yourself.
Meet your sister out in a cafe. Say you need to have a serious talk about your parents. What ideas does she have about what could help them now and into the future?

I’m sorry op this situation sounds awful. I really feel for you.

My advice is live YOUR life. Withdraw from helping them completely. They’ve used you long enough. Focus on you and your children and stop allowing them to treat you so terribly. You don’t have to reply to your mums texts about your father etc.

Is your resentment at your sister maybe because you wish you had the distance she did from the issues?

Look, it sounds as though you need to put yourself and the kids first. As you say, the current situation seems to be "everyone miserable", so taking yourself out of the miserable pile would be an improvement, no?

Perhaps keep a diary for the next 2-4 weeks, of interactions with your parents, and who, if anyone, benefited at each point. And also who suffered.
"Mum rang up. Moaned about Dad. Still seemed pissed off at the end of it all. Took up my time and I was anxious and irritable after" - as an example. NOBODY benefited there - so in future you could either "not hear the phone" or cut her short claiming you have a thing and you have to go, and do so with a clear conscience.

"Dad wanted me to change lightbulb. 3h round trip" - so the lightbulb got changed but it wasn't worth the trouble. "I don't have enough spare time for that, can't help this time I'm afraid".

Build up a new interaction strategy where it is ...sensible and sustainable. And go from there.

You've had some really good advice so far @Unicornshorn and I love mystery's suggest of an interaction log, although with my DM I'd probably rename it a misery log

It does sound as though your DM may be drinking again and as you've probably realised, you're never going to be able to fix her and you'll probably be dragged by her whilst you try. Have you ever spoken to Al Anon or had any Counselling about your Childhood?

If your DF's cognitive ability is decreasing and he's getting short tempered, is his GP aware?

Is your D

Sorry, I don't know where the last bit came from!

Thank you so much everyone, your responses are very helpful and I appreciate it. I know that I need to speak to my sister but I also find her unpredictable and think I tend to avoid her because of this. I am resentful of both the fact she detached from it for some time, but that she can also do no wrong despite that. My Dad has seen a GP who apparently was not concerned but I honestly have no idea what was discussed, he on one hand worries about his memory but then gets defensive- usually if it's my Mum bringing it up. They really are like toddlers sometimes! I think the act of writing all this has helped me see it more clearly but I may benefit from counselling. I have often thought about it but something has always stopped me, a fear of digging too deep or something. I do like the idea of recording everything and will think carefully about all your advice.

I am resentful of both the fact she detached from it for some time, but that she can also do no wrong despite that.

My DSis moved away and was deemed to be the Golden Child by my "D"m fir years. I found putting some proper boundaries in place really helped me. No matter what I do I will never do enough or do it right for my M, so I do a heck of a lot less than I used to.

I may benefit from counselling. I have often thought about it but something has always stopped me, a fear of digging too deep or something. Not all counselling digs deep. Some focuses on behaviour and thinking patterns, helps you to change your behaviour patterns.