MIL really struggling post-surgery - how to help?

[Gherkingreen]

MIL is 80, lives on her own rurally, we live 6 hours away in one direction, other family members 5 hours in the other direction.
She's recently had major bowel surgery after years of severe diverticulitis and infections & has a stoma.
A carer currently visits once a day to help her get washed & dressed, but she won't ask them to help her wash as she's embarrassed by the stoma. The stoma nurses visit once a week but it's still v early days & she's finding the whole thing very difficult to manage between their visits (emptying it, sore skin, accidents etc), not to mention the psychological impact.
She can't stand for more than about 30 seconds (on list for hip replacement) so struggles to even heat up a meal in the evening.
She has restless legs at night which is preventing her from sleeping, so is feeling dreadful. Her GP prescribed medication but she's afraid of side effects so doesn't want to take it. We've got her some magnesium to take & epsom salts but her reduced mobility means she can't safely fill & carry a bowl with warm water to soak her feet before bed.
We're going to call social services tomorrow to see if they'll reassess the care package in place with a view to getting more support in place. The care provider says she seems to be coping (as MIL won't ask them to help, she says she's got it all under control) but we disagree.
How do we try to help her get the support she needs so she can stay at home as she wishes?

That’s good that you have a contact to ask for reassessment.

she needs to be able to cope on the not so good days as well as the days that she’s feeling well which is why she needs to be honest with the professional that are in touch with her and not put too much of a brave face on it. Easy for us to say though.

Do you have reablement teams in her area, here you are given about six weeks post discharge support by NHS staff to prevent readmission. It's intensive support. Might be worth asking. Good luck

@SarahC50 @Muchtoomuchtodo The good news today is that the community nurse who sees MIL regularly has spoken to social services to reiterate the need for another assessment so hopefully that'll happen soon.
The stoma nurses are due to see her again tomorrow.
We'll make it very clear to MIL that she must engage honestly with everyone so that she gets the right help in place.
We applied for POA recently so are waiting for that to come through.
Thanks all for your helpful replies.

This.
A plan to 'age in good health' is not good enough when you are relying, like many do, on family to pick up the pieces. It's not realistic long term and it's not fair.
Another nurse who watches a steady stream of elderly people in and out of A&E like a revolving door.

I can fully see my parents ending up struggling as healthcare people are predicting, but I'm not sure how OP (or I) can stop our adult parent moving house, or make them move nearer us if they are not in agreement... And once they are at a distance then it's very difficult to help regularly or facilitate a move around work and children. It's a plane or a 12 hour drive to my mum....

You might be able to join the social services assessment via video link. We found it very helpful to give mum's social worker examples when mum said she managed fine. E.g. she said she uses her tablet to manage her finances - she's never done Internet banking in her life and since developing alzheimers has lost the ability to shop online. We just asked mum to give an example of something she managed on line (she said insurance) and then we told the SW that DB sorted out the insurance policies and he gave details. We did this with a couple of things she said she manages fine but doesn't.

@Danascully2 completely agree - hindsight is a wonderful thing; MIL was healthy and independent up to the point where she wasn't. She isn't the type to future proof her life, much as we'd love her to be, and whilst we have encouraged her to think about the what ifs, she'd rather just not think about it. Not helpful, but it's the reality for so many older people.
My parents on the other hand moved into a bungalow on a bus route and totally decluttered a few years ago in preparation for their 80s. But they're in good health and have the financial means and the mental capacity to make those decisions.

@countrygirl99 that's a great suggestion - we'll definitely ask to be involved and looped in on any assessment calls.

I was the DIL, and told mil if she wouldn’t accept help and be honest about it then she would be a danger to herself, not eating or washing etc. we all loved her and didn’t want to loose her early to I’ll health or to fall brought on by lack of food and general care.

so because we loved her she would have to go into a care home. I did it in the guise of a choice for her, and I got away with it much more than her own children would have thought.