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Elderly parents

87 year old mum is fed up

16 replies

tobee · 10/11/2023 16:46

I saw my mum & dad the other day. They are like chalk and cheese on the glass half full spectrum.

My dad is eternally optimistic even though he has early ish stage dementia and physical frailties. He has always been like this.

My mum is eternally pessimistic - expect the worst and you won't be disappointed. Has always been like this.

She has lots of physical issues but largely around mobility. But pretty good on the mental front. Lots of her friends have died who she relied on for good conversation etc. She always wanted to be allowed to euthanise herself if she got dementia (?) but obviously didn't foresee physical limitations so much. She often talks about the things she can no longer do etc. I mentioned doing a trip to a NT property before Christmas that is the sort of thing she used to love to do and thought of ways it could be possible but she didn't seem very enthusiastic. This is one example.

I just thought, on my drive home, my mum could easily last another 10 years and I feel unable to think how she would deal with that mentally.

My sister is much more bossy than me with them, I try to listen and take cues from my mum, I thought my sister and my different approaches work well. But maybe my mum responds better to my sister as something to rail against!?

I think my mum has kind of been expecting death for the last 10 years really. Since she reached the age her mum died. Her dad died in his mid fifties.

My mum and dad luckily have always been very close. Although my dad's usual personality is reduced since dementia. She is his carer. He tends to do the physical stuff for her like make tea and fetch things.

I suppose I'm just venting. But anyone else have similar?

It's crappy getting old.

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Afteropening · 10/11/2023 16:54

I think you need to look in to home care for your dad, and Sharpish

your 87 year old mother can’t possibly become a full on carer as his dementia deteriorates

HappyHamsters · 10/11/2023 16:56

It can be depressing getting older especially when she has health and mobility problems, my mum was the same, she really got fed up with the pain, having to rely on other people, fear of falling or being incontinent if she went out. Does dad get carers, 87 year old is too much to be a sole carer knowing life will only get harder.. Have they had assessments from social services, nurse, therapists to see what help they can get. There's no point being bossy with them, my sister was a bossy boots and it caused no end of upset. Do they have hobbies or enjoy particular things. She may feel depressed, is their gp sympathetic who could help.

tobee · 10/11/2023 17:27

Thanks for the replies.

My dad absolutely does not want to go into a care home and the consensus is it will finish him off. I imagine it might be inevitable soonish.

Keep mentioning about carers and all the possibilities but my mum keeps saying they don't need them after talking it through. I said even if it's just someone to talk to on a regular basis who's not family. To keep a professional eye.

They've had mobility assessors come around for my mum.

I'm running out of ideas to suggest; I just keep mentioning it. I feel I can't force them but maybe I pretty well have to.

The other thing being if my dad went into a care home my mum would find it even worse mentally. The physical needs seems to be more obvious. It's the mental wellbeing stuff that I find so difficult.

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tobee · 10/11/2023 17:33

My mum's hobbies and interests have been gardening, visiting gardens, socialising, talking to friends and politics. They used to go abroad a lot, eat out, condo, art galleries. opera, classical music, local Labour Party, book groups, watching sport on tv.. And they both read a lot.

Now they mostly watch the news, some tv sport and read. Odd bits of other television. Book group participants dying off and best friends too.

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tobee · 10/11/2023 17:34

Where it says "condo" above that should say "cinema"

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Octavia64 · 10/11/2023 17:34

My dad had cancer on and off for about ten years before he died.

He was always whinging about the things he couldn't do because he couldn't walk far.

I use a wheelchair most of the time because I can't walk far following an accident.

He refused to ever use a wheelchair to go to places he wanted to, and when I asked him why (sat in my electric wheelchair) he never did quite dare to say that it was accepting defeat.

Still wouldn't use one, mind.

EmmaEmerald · 10/11/2023 17:37

I have similar with my mum and have to distance myself as she brings me down so much

I don’t want to be her age either so I’m sympathetic but I’d rather she didn’t talk about it. It’s not like I need a warning. I’m having a smoke right now FGS. I’m at far less risk of living too long but she still seems to want me to think about it.

she varies in terms of wanting to go out or not but I no longer take her out as I can’t cope with the stress. The way I see it is she’s unhappy no matter what so I prefer to keep out of her way.

EmmaEmerald · 10/11/2023 17:40

Oh and my mum was having carers but got rid of them this week.

I did insist on having a stairlift fitted as I have a back injury and can’t assist her. Also some carers won’t take people up or downstairs.

bonzaitree · 10/11/2023 17:55

My grandma who is a similar age is very pessimistic too and always has been.

Doesn’t help that people of that age will have received very poor education, awareness and treatment of mental health issues. I think that this poor treatment will have dominated my grandmas life and as such she is very pessimistic.

Is your mum the same.m?

tobee · 10/11/2023 17:55

Thanks for these replies. I appreciate hearing about others experiences.

Need to talk to my sister really (she's not that overbearing!!) but she's got worries about her dc's health this week and works full time and need to discuss this lengthily.

Re their physical care; we seem to have loads of discussions, ideas and suggestions but nothing gets sorted out.

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tobee · 10/11/2023 18:00

A bit @bonzaitree . My mum was a counsellor in many areas in her working life but it's the old thing of not wanting to be seen as vulnerable, others have it worse. I find it frustrating as it's only a few years ago that the things I'm suggesting are just the same as they were suggesting to their elderly relatives iyswim.

Of course it would have to be that my mum's closest friend, who was younger and also a counsellor died first. They used to have fabulous chats about relationships, literature, politics etc.

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tobee · 10/11/2023 18:02

"Of course it would have to be that my mum's closest friend, who was younger and also a counsellor died first"

Died first of all her friends that should say!

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CMOTDibbler · 10/11/2023 18:15

My MIL was a pita in resisting using a wheelchair/scooter when she couldn't walk more than 10m and her life got super tiny. So we arranged for the whole family to meet up at a beautiful arboretum, booked the scooter with them, and then presented it as a done deal so we could put the picnic on it. She had a lovely day, and went home and ordered a scooter of her own

Frostine · 10/11/2023 18:19

Some charities have a befriending service which would allow your mum a couple of hours to go out whilst someone comes to the home to sit and chat with your dad. Perhaps you / a friend could take her to lunch / coffee at a garden centre etc.

MrsKipling16 · 10/11/2023 18:42

I was going to suggest the same as @Frostine - I know from a very positive personal experience that Age UK offer telephone or in-person befriending. They also have lots of information on support for families where somebody has dementia - definitely worth a call to your parents local representative based on my family’s experience x

tobee · 10/11/2023 21:34

CMOTDibbler · 10/11/2023 18:15

My MIL was a pita in resisting using a wheelchair/scooter when she couldn't walk more than 10m and her life got super tiny. So we arranged for the whole family to meet up at a beautiful arboretum, booked the scooter with them, and then presented it as a done deal so we could put the picnic on it. She had a lovely day, and went home and ordered a scooter of her own

That sounds like a good plan.

And the befriending thing sounds good too @Frostine and @MrsKipling16. My highly sensible adult dd is happy to sit with her grandfather but would be useful for when she has work commitments etc.

Thanks everyone.

I think she doubtlessly also finds my dad's diminished personality testing to face. You can still have a reasonable conversation with him about the past - he still has a great memory for people in the cast of old films and other things; but the endless repetition of short term memory is obviously hard. He used to be a pretty dominant presence in a room, even when he wasn't talking, but now he often sits there smiling or dozing. Thank god he hasn't become truculent. I mean he's irritating but in the same way he always was. Grin

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