Dad does nothing - worried!

[Mushroo]

I’m not even sure I’m posting in the right place as he’s only 67, but here goes.

My dad is retired and has been for a couple of years, but he does absolutely nothing outside of walking the dog and attending things my mum plans.

He has no hobbies, no friends that he regularly sees. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t do housework. I’d say a typical day is walking the dog and then listening to music / watching TV. He has no opinions on anything - to the point if we go out to eat he’ll just order what my mum has. (By contrast, my mum does everything household related, works 3 days a week, sees friends a lot etc.)

His mum had dementia and I feel the routine he currently has is just a slippery slope.

Im not sure if I should be stepping in a bit, or just leave him to it? He absolutely would scoff at any suggestions of joining a hobby group or similar I think - very working class background where hobbies were just not really a thing. So not sure what to do!

Is this new or has he always been the same?

Is he happy? Why is this a problem?

Hmm this would worry me too OP. My mum is 69 and just been diagnosed with dementia. It only came to light after my dad died, as he'd been carrying her through daily life without us realising.

When mum had her diagnosis the neurologist said it really is a case of "use it or lose it" - are there any activities you could encourage him to do like jigsaw puzzles, word games, music - all things which are good for keeping the brain active? Maybe be explicit with him about your dementia worries, as it could kick him into action.

He’s not pulling his weight for a start!

But OP says why it’s a problem. Lack of social engagement is one of the things heightening the risk of dementia.

He’s naturally always been like that, but going out to work everyday just meant he was naturally interacting with people and getting out the house.

@olderbutwiser he is perfectly happy but I just think it can’t be good for someone to do nothing / see no one. Socialising seems to be a key part of a healthy retirement and I just want him to be healthy!

In that case, I wouldn’t worry. I love my family, enjoy seeing friends but am also very happy in my own company.

TBH he doesn't sound unusual for a lot of men of his age.

My DF was like this until my DM went apeshit at him and he started some regular volunteering.

My dad was the same for awhile after starting retirement. It was like an adjustment period. If you think about it, some jobs are very structured and after a few years incumbents don’t need to think about their job, they just do it. Then retirement hits and suddenly the structure is lost and the individual doesn’t know how to do day to day stuff the rest of us do.
Could this be your dad?

fwiw, we ended up as a family doing an intervention. After discussion we all, dad included came up with a new structure to his week which helped to ‘retrain’ his brain into actually thinking rather than (as at work) blindly doing whatever his secretary told him to do/doing what was always done without consciously thinking.

Whether he's happy or not, it's not healthy. Your DF could be my neighbour, he retired 20 years ago and once his dog died he hasn't left the house except for medical appointments. His wife does everything, shopping, cooking, cleaning and gardening. When he retired he was healthy, now he has multiple health issues. I feel so sorry for his wife, she's still healthy thankfully but that's because she's busy and has lots of friends. He's definitely am excellent example of 'use it or lose it'

@Acheyknees thats exactly how I feel. He’s fine now, but will he be after 5 years of doing nothing!

I might have a gentle word with my mum and see if we can get him volunteering.

His first grandchild (mine!) is due in December which might help a bit, but given the lack of involvement in child rearing when I was a kid I’m not sure it actually will!

"Socialising seems to be a key part of a healthy retirement"

You say he does things your mother organises, so he presumably is seeing other people to an extent? It sounds like that's enough for him. We're all different.

My grandfather was similar, working class, he worked till he was nearly 70. He had no friends, no hobbies, didn't go to the pub (didn't drink), and his activity was pottering around the house/garden and going out for walks with my gran. He spent a lot of time on crosswords and watching sport on TV. He lived to be 97, no memory problems.

Bloody hell! This could be me and DH...
Ages, dog, days I work .. almost all of it..

But.. I (over the years as he worked 3 nights a week) 'encouraged' my DH to cook and clean, put washing on, out on line/airer...etc..so although he sounds like your Dad, he's busy at home whilst I still work.

I don't know if you can broach it with your Mum about (encouraging) getting him to cook and clean..

I actually laminated an A4 list of things he can do (his request..says it helps his motivation)..

Overall though my DH worked hard in a very physical job since he was 15 yrs old and is absolutely shattered and (would be)happy to potter and watch cowboy films all day...

If he's happy, I'd leave it. You're projecting your own ideals onto him.

Sounds rather like my DH, who is younger than him but also retired. He's quite happy pottering around and we have a school-aged child so running round after them keeps him busy!

He doesn't really see anyone socially unless instigated by me, but he's always been like that and he hates loads of social interaction. He'd hate something like men in sheds or the local retired men's groups!

I also think that, after 40 years of full time work and commuting, he's earned a bit of pottering around. He does do all the housework though so not just sitting around all the time!