All Too Much

[monstermunchcrunch2]

I do just about everything in terms of sorting things out for a parent with Alzheimer's. I find family members really selfish as they won't or can't help.

I had asked one family member not to visit when the carer is there as this distracts them from taking medication but they won't even listen to this.

Has anyone taken a step back or moved away? It's making me really unhappy. I suffer from anxiety and there's always something to sort out for a parent who wasn't particularly caring towards me.

You have my sympathies, it's extremely hard. I think there's a middle ground between doing absolutely everything to your own detriment and giving up entirely/moving away and doing nothing. I do think you need to set some boundaries (mentally as well as physically) and only do as much as you can and then try really hard not to blame yourself for not doing more, it's clearly not possible to control other relatives and make them do what you think they ought to be, so difficult as it is I think you need to try and do the best you can within your own powers, and then let everything else go. It won't help anyone if you burn yourself out with panic and anxiety. You say there are carers involved already, is there any possibility of revisiting the needs assessment and pushing back a bit on how much you can offer, with social services you really to underplay not overplay how much family assistance is available as otherwise everything tends to be left with family - and if you can manage it better to step up the external assistance now in anticipation?

I honestly don't know what to advise as I'm often in a similar situation. My parents don't have any issues like dementia, they're pretty independent but still manage to drag me into their dramas and are a major cause of stress. It's easier said than done to walk away, I know I feel immense guilt when I consider it but I wish I lived so far away they couldn't constantly call upon me to so things for them.

I do think it's a tiny bit easier where there's no dementia (not saying it's easy at all). All I can advise is you set your boundaries and routine at a level appropriate to you and them and try really, really hard to stick to them. E.g. my mum was also in the terrible habit of calling me 'urgently' including late at night for things that really weren't urgent like TV remote needs new batteries. So I said we will speak once a day and I will come over twice a week (or whatever), I will do your shopping for you and make sure you have everything you need, but I won't do 'extra' runs for non essentials, she has her carers daily too plus a pendant alarm for genuine emergencies but I will not be answering random phone calls at 10pm and sometimes she'll just have to wait, it's tough and I can't say I've 100% totally stuck to it and felt no guilt at all (I hate the thought of her being miserable and lonely and feel quite overwhelming shame and anxiety about it, imagining her lying on the floor in pain or something while I ignore my phone, although in fairness it's never been that!) but honestly it has worked (a) I am less burnt out and resentful so I am so much more able to be kind and nice to her when we do spent time together, we're actually able to enjoy one another's company again (b) despite the fact she grumbled a lot initially, with a lot of PA digs about me 'being too busy to have time for her now', 'ungrateful children' (she means me not my brother who's barely ever done anything for her but that's OK cos he's got a job and a family (I also have these things but they presumably don't count in her mind)! ) etc etc, it's forced her to develop more self-resilience and better support networks rather than fully rely on me e.g. she talks to her neighbours more now and they are willing to pick up bits from the shops for her in between my visits, she knows how to use amazon and online shopping (sometimes with remote assistance from me), she voluntarily increased her carer and cleaner's hours which she was adamantly against previously. Other relatives haven't exactly whooped for joy or stepped up to fill the bits I've stepped back on although brother has visited a few more times recently for which he was of course lauded to the skies so hopefully he'll come more often too. But all of this is really only possible because she's compos mentis, if there was dementia in the mix I do think it would be somewhat different...

Regrettably, this type of thing is a bottomless pit of need and if you are someone without iron clad boundaries and/or the capacity to overlook passive aggressive jibs and guilt trips (sometimes self inflicted), then this isn’t a job for you.

Try to see it in that light, rather than trying and failing or giving too much and getting burnt out and stretched too thin. If this was a project to help my parent rebuild a car/garden, I would not get involved. Why? Because I have no knowledge, no interest and would be terrible at it. If it was a legal /admin issue, then sure, I have the skills, technical expertise and background to do this well.

Decide on three steps you can take this week to start to pull back. Implement them and spend the next month enforcing those boundaries and not picking up those jobs again. When you feel ready, add more. Pull back to a level you feel comfortable with - it may be nothing, it may be something. But that’s the level you stay at and refuse to get drawn further.

but that's OK cos he's got a job and a family (I also have these things but they presumably don't count in her mind Annoying, isn’t it? But when that generation was young the narrative was still that the man supported the family and the wife worked for “pin money”. And as you get older, the attitudes of your youth get more prominent.

You can't control the other people, so have to just leave those aspects of it. If they cause a problem leave them to sort it out, it's not your responsibility.

I've had to implement boundaries with mine and also get the whole "but your brother has a job and a family"' rubbish which I now call her out on! There are ways to make it easier - I don't answer the phone when I'm working, for instance, so she's had to learn there's no point ringing then. This has actually worked well as it's forced her to involve friends and neighbours so she has a better support network now.

Decide what your boundaries are and then stick to them. I do not do lifts to hospital, for instance. Or shopping.