I think my Dad's partner has been turning him against us and I don't know what to do

[SmallCountry]

I believe she has been subtly influencing him against us for a long time and I don't know how to handle it or what to do. There were many small instances over a long period of time that made me start to feel concerned that this was happening, but it was hard to pin down - the overall picture was worrying, but very hard to call out any one thing and I kept thinking that maybe I was imagining it.

It culminated two years ago when I was told, very unexpectedly, by text that they wished to have no further contact with us. The text was from my Dad's phone but I have reason to believe it was not written by him (the language and phrasing used, plus her habit of sending messages 'as him' from his phone previously) and I was then blocked on all our contact channels. It happened as they were about to move house. They subsequently moved and I wasn't given the new address.

I know that she and her adult children persuaded my Dad to sell his house and changed his power of attorney to her child. So I think some of this may be money/inheritance motivated. I also think she just doesn't like me very much. I was always friendly and polite to her when I saw her but we were clearly very different in character and so were not particularly close. She would only ever talk about herself and showed no interest in any of us, she was very judgmental and would gossip constantly about people we didn't know and tell us all the feuds she was having with people. I was never rude to her, but I'm sure she was aware that I wasn't warming to this; I didn't give her gossip the oxygen she wanted.

However, that being said, I was glad that my Dad was happy in his relationship with her after a bereavement and a period of being alone. I genuinely wished the best for them. Now, my children miss them both immensely and I feel so sad to have lost him from my life, but am also worried about him and angry that she seems to have manoeuvred things so that it doesn't seem to be possible for me to contact him without her intervening, and impossible for me to regain a relationship with him.

She is a very strong dominant character and my dad is very submissive in relationships. He does have previous form for being heavily influenced by dominant individuals (including one instance which resulted in him cutting other close family members out of his life for years under their influence, which he later retracted on). However, my Dad and I had always had a good relationship and he seemed to adore my children.

I don't know what I can do. They are always together. There doesn't seem to be any way I can get in touch with him without her intercepting or preventing it. I have heard, from other family members who are still in a small degree of contact with them, that she has been saying things about me that are not true, and if he is believing those things it is unlikely he will want to get in touch with me. Does anyone have any advice?

I'm also afraid that, in the current situation, if he is taken ill I won't be told. He could die and I think it might be kept from me.

I don't think I can offer any advice, but didn't want to read and run.

Is your dad elderly? I would contact Age Concern and Social Services for advice.

She sounds like a piranha, and your dad sounds weak.

I wonder if she has told him that YOU don't want to see HIM?

What sort of man would just go along with her without talking to his actual child first, though?

Are there any family friends you can talk to who could talk to your dad on your behalf?

Is there an age gap between your dad and his gf? Age Concern may be able to help.

This sounds really tough @SmallCountry, for you and your kids.

I don't think it's fair to blame your dad for this because he is "weak" as PP said. Although I do think @TheSpikySpinosaurus had some good practical advice. When your dad met his partner you said he'd had a period of being alone after a bereavement which could make him vulnerable to her manipulations.

Imagine this was a couple 20 years younger with the genders swapped. I think people would instantly go to emotional abuse because that's what this is. Have a look at the guidelines for coercive control (as with most domestic abuse the guidance is aimed at women as they are much more likely to be the victim, but that doesn't mean it doesn't apply the other way):

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

It is a criminal offensive with a sentence of up to five years in custody. There are so many behaviours listed in the 'Evidential considerations' section that match what you have described above: isolating people from friends and family, taking control of their daily routine, controlling finances...

As to what you can do to help, that's a bit harder. Are there any other physical/mental health issues that make him more vulnerable, if so perhaps social services. I don't think you can report coercive control of another person, but you could speak to a domestic abuse charity to get a better idea of how you can help. And, as PP said, trying to contact him through mutual acquaintances might be a start to opening up communication again, or at least putting your mind at ease about his health. He's your dad and even if his partner is spreading rumours about you, I'm sure deep down he knows they're not true.

One final thought, how old is your dad? Could you try and appease his partner so at least you and your kids get to spend time with him? It might also give him the space and support needed to make a break.

My DH had this with his own father, he met a very domineering woman and DH didn't have a relationship with him for nearly 25 years. I reached out when our DC were born but soon took that hand back again - she was horrible.

Thankfully she died first, and FIL rang DH that very day. He then got 8 years with his Dad and they became very close before he passed away.

DH valued that time but still held firm in believing that had his Dad wanted to make contact over those years, he would have.

This is so, so common. Frighteningly so. I don't think it's even unusual. So much so that I started a legal process to protect ds if I ever weren't around - I knew that dh would never be able to stand up to a woman like this.

I think in this situation I would ask those family members who are still just about in touch to mention you occasionally- just to say 'x, y and z send love' including you in a group. And I would still send cards, in case one ever slips through. I'd keep it light, 'thinking of you, especially when Man City play!!' that sort of vibe, but I'd always add my phone number. One day, somehow, he may get back in touch.

@youreallyarefantastic - I know, I did wonder about saying that but op said

my dad is very submissive in relationships. He does have previous form for being heavily influenced by dominant individuals (including one instance which resulted in him cutting other close family members out of his life for years under their influence

so I think he is weak/easily led, unless he has been the victim of abusive relationships his whole life.

I agree that his current gf may be emotionally abusive or coercive; it's hard for us to know whether this is so or whether OP's dad is just going along with this.

It's very sad, though.

Did you post about this a few months back OP?

Thanks for your replies. I'll try and answer the questions.

@Mrsphilmiller I haven't posted about this before, no.

He is in his early eighties and she is a few years younger, but it's not a big age gap. He has been in overall better health than her.

Thanks for your suggestion to contact Age Concern @ThereIbledit and @TheSpikySpinosaurus, I've wondered whether to do that or Social Services. I have been feeling like I don't know where to begin with it all.

@youreallyarefantastic thanks for the very useful thoughts. I have wondered whether it would be classed as coercive control. It's hard to tell how much is being done with a "game plan" on her part. Certainly, I would say she has a generally controlling personality type and his personality is someone who would be very vulnerable to landing up in a coercive control situation. He's also quite emotionally immature and very simplistic in his thinking, so I think he could be influenced easily. The idea of contacting a domestic abuse charity is one I'll look into. @TheSpikySpinosaurus may have it right with the "whether OP's dad is just going along with this" comment. Essentially he will go along with anything if it's being presented to him forcefully or if it means he doesn't have to do very much in life. He's always been like that. He is one of life's passengers.

@SkyFullofStars1975 sad to hear about your DH's experience, but I'm glad they got some time back together at the end. I've wondered what will happen if she dies first. I think her children will swoop as they are very closely involved in each other's lives at the moment (they live extremely close and we are at the other end of the country, which doesn't help).

@PermanentTemporary, I've pretty much given up trying to get in touch lately, I felt that it was breaking me so I stopped, but I think you're right that I need to keep sending cards etc anyway. Do you mind if I ask what the legal process you started to protect your dc was?

I think this is completely about the money. Nothing but the money. Is she actually married to your dad?

@determinedtomakethiswork, no they're not married.

My sm ensured df phased me out. They won Big Money and they moved. Haven't seen him for 25 years.

Different for you I know.... Get searching for your df op. And turn up at their door..

I’d say definitely inheritance too. Even if not married she’s probably coerced him to write a Will in her and her family’s favour. Maybe you could challenge things, but then again you live far away and your father sounds very weak, so am not sure what it would achieve permanently?

OTOH it might be worth it if only to have a good stab at unsettling her? I don’t know what evidence you need for coercive control but I guess you would find that information somewhere? Maybe a solicitor might help?

I would imagine the wider family see through her scheming too. Do they say anything?

You could try a couple of things, but there’s no assurance of a positive outcome OP. You may have to ultimately “let go”.

I was purely thinking about protecting ds financially (having read about first families getting cut out) so looked at becoming tenants in common for our house, so that if I died my half would go straight to ds as per my will, rather than to dh and thereby potentially to a changed will of dh's.

It never actually happened as sadly dh died. But that's the basis on which dp and I will cohabit.

I notice a few people have mentioned controlling behaviour - this is a classic dementia trait, and there could be every possibility that his DP has got mental health issues/congnitive decline that is being projected onto him and you... I would certainly phone his local adult SS helpdesk and chat through your concerns. I've worked in elderly care and you'd be amazed how common it is.

I am in a very similar situation to you and just wondered if you had taken any legal advice?

My father has married and moved to America with his new partner (they got ‘engaged’ 8 weeks after my mum passed away). It’s been 3 years now and I can now hear her voice coming from him. He’s too scared to fly by himself and she does everything she can to avoid seeing me as ‘she’s scared of me’. I have done nothing to warrant this.

i don’t believe there is any physical or financial abuse, but definitely emotionally manipulation. There is money involved, but I’m most sad that my dad has completely isolated himself from everyone and everything in his previous life - including grandchildren.

any advice on how you’ve managed your situation?

many thanks!