Respect

[RosinaG]

My parents split up when I was 12. My Dad paid no child maintenance and moved 3 hours away so my brother and I only saw him 1-2 x a year. He was a drinker and could get nasty on the phone. When I was in my early twenties I had enough of him and we had no contact for 15 years. He did write once saying as he was my father I should respect him and have contact which was the wrong tone in my eyes so I left it. Fast forward, and we did reconcile which was a big mistake as he’s not a nice person but this is where we are.

Recently his sister died. His sister left her hubby for another man and left two children. She never had anything to do with her children at all. Anyway, she recently become ill and passed away. Her two children (now adults) did go and see her and apparently words were said by her children to other family members about the fact she left them. In conversation my Dad said that was out of order and they should have respect for their mother as at the end of the day, whatever she’s done, she’s still their mother.

Now I don’t agree with this one bit, but I’m embarrassingly weak when it comes to my Dad. I’m scared of him, scared to challenge, scared to voice differing views because he’s so dominant, so angry and bitter and I guess this goes back to my childhood where domestic violence towards my Mum was present.

But, this will get brought up again and I want to respond. I’d like to say perhaps it wasn’t the time or the place for them to get angry but her kids have every right to feel the way they do when she abandoned them.

He obviously thinks the same in regards to me and my brother, that we owe him something for just being our father when we owe him nothing in my eyes.

What would others say?

Seriously, go back to being NC with him. There is no reason or benefit for him to be in your life, he has shown you who he is. You owe him nothing and no respect. He’s just waiting for you to be a carer for him. Believing you owe him respect just due to age means it will never be a relationship.
I feel for your cousins having to go see their mother who abandoned them, as did your father.

When my dad gets like this I just move on to another subject. If I try and say anything I just get a lecture, and the visit is awful. Really, I’d just avoid it.
‘But I’d also wonder if the mum did abandon her kids, or if she was told to go and never come back. There’s always two sides to a story.

First, why exactly are you still in contact with him? It doesn't sound a happy thing for either of you!

Second: a thoughtful silence, followed by a civil but to-the-point question about what HE would do in their shoes,
"Well, did your Mum leave you when you were little?" (Actually, given what you say about him and his sister, DID she? Their childhood may have made them what they are...) "How would you feel if that had happened? What would you do? How do you think you would feel if you did that?"
If you can be patient and keep your cool, that strategy can sometimes yield interesting results.

My df left my dm when we were young adults to live far away with ow. The ow died and df moved to another part of the country away from us dc to be near a distant female relative and they were a couple of sorts.
Df is v. elderly now and his friend is not well. Df needs more help and is lonely.
He told me that he never thought his dc would leave him living on his own, surely one of us should take him in.
I’m afraid I told him that he didn’t seem very bothered about his dc when he f**d off with ow.
Some men just target any woman to care for them and when they’re finally alone they think their dc should step up. Selfish tw**s.

You don't owe him respect.

You don't owe him a conversation about this (it will never go well for you).

You don't owe him any contact at all, and you would be wise to withdraw from him completely.

You did absolutely the right thing. Let him stew and think how he could have been a better man!

@RosinaG I'd point out that respect is not contingent on biology! I think you should use the example of his sister to point out that just as she was far from mum of the year, similarly he was not exactly dad of the year either.

Why did you reconcile in the end? Do you want to continue that reconciliation? It sounds as though he has learned nothing from his mistakes. If he doesn't add any value to your life, then don't let him detract from it.

If I could turn back time I’d never have reconciled. He is a miserable, bitter man. Trouble is he has absolutely no one which is all down to him but I know I would end up feeling guilty if I stopped contact particularly when he’s ill.

He has said to me before that he didn’t do anything wrong, that CSA would have taken everything which doesn’t explain why he didn’t come to some agreement without their involvement.

I need to stop being so timid in his company. I can’t explain it but I just am intimidated by him. I’m scared of him if I’m honest as he’s so angry. It’s like I become a child again whenever I’m in his company.

Have you ever had any therapy? It might help to get support for this.

There is no 'should' in these situations. You only have a range of 'could' options. You could go no contact, low contact, just ignore any difficult conversations, you could even be the dutiful daughter and do everything for him! The point is you owe him nothing. You have your life and I assume you treat people better than he treated you. He had his life and made the choices he made in the context he was in.

The way you describe being scared is not unusual for someone with that back story. A therapist or some reading about the topic might really help.

You're doing OK and you can keep working at it for yourself.