How to stop (or limit) the worry?

[SoManyBins]

My elderly mother (82) is worrying so much about my elderly father (87 and very unwell - in and out of hospital, barely eating, coughing fits at night) that she herself is becoming unwell.

She is hardly sleeping - worrying that he'll need her overnight or worrying about the next day's appointments.

We live about 8 hours away, with primary age children, so go down at weekends and in school hols when possible, but cannot stay otherwise.

Any ideas as to how to limit the worry for my mum? Anything that might help? I just can't think of how to help. Sending her "stuff" or easy food just gets her upset - she likes her routine - and they eat like birds in any event.

Contact your mum's local authority and ask for a care needs assessment asap. State the urgency currently and state it is under their duty of care under the Care Act 2014

That's tricky @AWomaWithZeroFsTGive They would have to pay in full (capital over the limit) and my mum is very resistant to getting in help.

I have suggested a cleaner etc. But she likes to keep busy and just sees help as unnecessary.

But she is just so tired - and it's all the worry not the physical exertion.

Has she heard of the phrase 'wasted worry' - when we worry ourselves sick about something that doesn't happen.

Could you do some gentle coaching about the futility of worrying; prepare for the things that can be prepared for, and then close the mental door on it to allow some rest.

Sadly, if he's 5 years older than her and in poor health, he's likely to 'go' before her - is this something they've come to terms with as a couple?

There have been little steps @Walkacrossthesand - a willingness to learn how to make a doctor's appointment, order a food shop etc. Some assets moved into cash (she's never done anything to do with money - tried to use an ATM once but her eyesight isn't good and she got flustered so it swallowed the card - she won't touch them now so just uses cash).
But you're right - acceptance comes slowly but can only help. I'll get into that.

Would she speak to her GP about her anxiety? They may be able to refer her for some counselling, or if she’s not sleeping prescribe something.

If she doesn’t want to go to the GP, she may be able to self-refer to local talking therapies service. You can find her local one here https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service

A carer assessment for her might also help her access some help. My Mum had counselling and also a respite budget when she was caring for my Dad. It wasn’t means tested.

In practical terms talk to her about you taking on tasks you can do remotely for her. Taking on a lot of the money management for example. That might be setting up direct debits for bills, keeping an eye on bank statements, placing a regular food shop order online.

Get a Power of Attorney in place for both of them, covering both finance and health and welfare. You can use the finance one immediately to help her with things more easily - such as talking to the bank and utility companies on her behalf. They don’t have to have lost mental capacity for you to use it (with their permission)

^This is very good advice.

I'd also call your DM's GP. Make it clear that you don't want any information from them about your DM but say that you just want to let them know that your DM is struggling mentally and physically and is caring for your DF.